Postbusters

  • Aired:  09/07/11
  •  | Views: 99,077

A hot new trend called bankruptcy has taken America by storm, and it's now as close as the corner mailbox. (6:48)

SHOW.

AS YOU KNOW, THERE IS A HOT NEW

TREND THAT HAS FAKEN AMERICA BY

STORM.

IT'S CALLED BANKRUPTCY.

AND IT'S NOW AS CLOSE AS YOUR

CORNER MAILBOX.

>> SOME POTENTIALLY BAD NEWS

TODAY FOR EVERY AMERICAN WHO

RELEASE UPON THE POSTAL SERVICE.

>> WITHOUT MAJOR AND FAST

CONGRESSIONAL ACTION, SOME

SUGGEST THE POSTAL SERVICE COULD

SHUT DOWN ALTOGETHER BY WINTER.

>> Jon: ALL IT TAKES IS MAJOR

AND FAST CONGRESSIONAL ACTION?

WELL, LET'S JUST SHUT THAT

[BLEEPED] DOWN NOW AND NOT MAKE

THIS A LAST-MINUTE THING.

HOW ABOUT THAT?

THE POST OFFICE IS ON THE VERGE

OF BANKRUPTCY.

YESTERDAY THE POSTMASTER GENERAL

WENT BEFORE CONGRESS TO ASK FOR

THEIR HELP.

I'M BEING TOLD THAT IS NOT THE

POST MASTER GENERAL.

DO WE HAVE A PICTURE OF THE REAL

GUY?

REALLY?

THAT GUY?

THAT GUY'S A GENERAL?

HE LOOKS LIKE HE MANAGES A

STAPLE.

I'M BEING TOLD HE BASICALLY RANS

A VERY POORLY RUN STAPLES.

ANYWAY, HE WENT BEFORE CONGRESS

YESTERDAY, AND I THINK WE ALL

KNOW WHAT'S COMING.

HE'S GOING TO ASK FOR A BIG OLD

GOVERNMENT BAILOUT, A

SHORT-TERM, STOPGAP MEASURE.

>> SHORT-TERM, STOPGAP MEASURES

WILL NOT HELP.

THE POSTAL SERVICE HAS MADE A

NUMBER OF POLICY PROPOSALS

ALLOWING THE POSTAL SERVICE TO

RESTRUCTURE ITS HEALTH CARE

SYSTEM AND MAKE IT INDEPENDENT

OF FEDERAL PROGRAMS.

WE NEED TO ACCELERATE WORKFORCE

REDUCTION BY AS MANY AS 220,000

EMPLOYEES.

>> Jon: OH, THAT'S HOW, YOU'RE

JUST GOING TO LAY OFF 220,000

POSTAL WORKERS.

WHAT WOULD GO WRONG WITH THAT?

[LAUGHTER]

AFTER ALL, THE PHRASE "GOING

POSTAL" IS VIRTUALLY SYNONYMOUS

WITH REACTING WELL TO BAD NEWS.

[LAUGHTER]

IT IS NO SURPRISE THAT THE POST

OFFICE IS STRUGGLING, IT'S AN

INSANE BUSINESS MODEL.

SOMEONE COMES TO YOUR HOUSE,

TAKES SOMETHING YOU'VE WRITTEN,

AND BRINGS IT TO A PERSON THAT

YOU WANT THEM TO GIVE IT TO

ANYWHERE IN THE WORLD FOR LIKE

50 CENTS.

OH, BUT IT'S GOING TO TAKE A

COUPLE OF DAYS.

ITES AMAZING.

I'M SURPRISED THE POST OFFICE

HAS LASTED THIS LONG.

THERE WAS A COMPANY IN NEW YORK

CALLED URBAN FETCH.COM, A

DOOR-TO-DOOR DELIVERY SERVICE

FOR YOUR WHIMS, LIKE AMAZON

MEETS DOMINO, A SERVICE PEOPLE

TOO HIGH TO GO OUT AND GET

THINGS BUT NOT TOO HIGH TO WANT

THINGS.

SO YOU WOULD GO ONLINE AND YOU

WOULD ORDER IT.

THIS IS TRUE.

YOU WOULD GO ONLINE AND ORDER, I

DON'T KNOW, "SCARFACE" AND TWO

PINTSES OF COOKIE DOUGH ICE

CREAM.

AND SOME SCHMUCK ON A BIKE WOULD

BRING IT TO YOUR HOUSE WITHIN

LIKE 30 MINUTES AND NO

[BLEEPED], COMPLIMENTARY FREE

COOKIE, A T-SHIRT AND YOU WERE

NOT ALLOWED TO TIP THIS PERSON.

MEANWHILE, UNBEKNOWNST TO YOU,

YOUR EQUALLY HIGH ROOMMATE HAD

NOT TEN MINUTES EARLIER PLACED

AN ORDER FOR "GOOD FELLAS" AND

TWO PINTS OF CHERRY GARCIA AND A

DILDO THAT GLOWS IN THE DARK.

SO WHILE ONE WAS HEADING BACK TO

THE DVD ICE CREAM WAREHOUSE,

ANOTHER WAS BEING DISPATCHED TO

COME TO THE SAME ADDRESS FROM

THE DVD ICE CREAM DILDO HOUSE.

MY POINT IS THIS: I MISS THESE

[BLEEPED] GUYS.

[CHEERING AND APPLAUSE]

BUT... WE ALL KNEW THIS THING

WAS NOT GOING TO LAST.

THE POST OFFICE IS ONLY

INCREMENTALLY LESS CRAZY THAN

THAT.

SO I DON'T SEE HOW THEY SAVE IT.

ALTHOUGH THE POSTMASTER GENERAL

IS SPEAKING BEFORE CONGRESS.

PERHAPS ONE OF OUR FINE ELECTED

OFFICIALS HAS A PLAN TO SAVE THE

DAY, SENATOR CLAIRE McCASKILL.

>> I KNOW THIS MAY SOUND CORNY

AND NAIVE AND POLLYANNAISH AND

ALL OF, THAT BUT I HAD THE

OPPORTUNITY NOT TOO LONG AGO TO

GO THROUGH A BOX OF LETTERS THAT

MY MOTHER HAD FROM MY

GRANDMOTHER'S HOUSE THAT WERE MY

LETTERS I SENT TO HER IN

COLLEGE.

>> Jon: GO ON.

>> MY KIDS ARE IN COLLEGE NOW.

I DON'T HAVE A BECOMES LIKE

THAT.

IN FACT, I HAD TO IMPOSE A RULE,

YOU CANNOT GET MONEY BY TEXT

MESSAGE.

I WAS GETTING LIKE THIS

JIBBERISH SPELLING, "NEED MONEY,

NUMBER 2, D-A-Y."

IT'S RIDICULOUS.

>> Jon: THAT, THAT IS... THE

MOST MASTERFUL JEDI NIGHT MOTHER

GUILTING I HAVE EVER... CLAIRE

MS CASKILL JUST ENTERED THE FACT

THAT HER CHILDREN DON'T WRITE

HER ENOUGH INTO THE

CONGRESSIONAL RECORD.

RIGHT NOW MILLIONS OF JEWISH

MOTHERS ACROSS THIS NATION ARE

GIVING HER A STANDING OVATION.

TOUCHE.

WELL DONE, IRISH MOTHER.

ANYWAY, WHAT'S YOUR POINT?

>> I'M NOT SURE THAT THERE HAS

BEEN MARKETING CAMPAIGN ABOUT

THE VALUE OF A WRITTEN LETTER.

I REALLY BELIEVE THAT IF

SOMEBODY WOULD BEGIN TO MARKET

THE VALUE OF SENDING A WRITTEN

LETTER TO SOMEONE YOU LOVE, YOU

MIGHT BE SURPRISED ON HOW YOU

COULD STABILIZE SOME FIRST-CLASS

MAIL.

[LAUGHTER]

>> Jon: SO OVER THE PAST 30

YEARS, THE COUNTRY, NAY, THE

WORLD, IS MOVING INEXORABLELY

TOWARDS ELECTRONIC

COMMUNICATION.

THE POST OFFICE IS TO SPEND

PUBLIC MONEY URGING US TO

REVERSE THE TIDE.

I HAVE A BETTER IDEA.

WHY DON'T WE JUST USE STAMPS AS

ADHESIVE TAPE.

HOW ABOUT THAT?

THERE.

LOOK AT THIS.

HEY, HOW ABOUT THIS?

I JUST FIXED THIS RIP, AND IT

ONLY COST ME $5.

MARKETING CAMPAIGN ABOUT LETTER

WRITING?

YOU KNOW WHAT, THAT'S GOOD.

I KNOW JUST THE CELEBRITY TO

GIVE US THE TIP CACHET IT NEEDS

TO APPEAL TO TEXT-HAPPY GENYs.

>> I WOULD HAVE A MAIL MAN OR

WOMAN DELIVER MAIL TO ME THAN

GET AN E-MAIL.

>> THE KIDS LOVE THAT GUY,

MOSTLY BECAUSE THEY THINK HE'S

THE DRAGON FROM "THE NEVER

ENDING STORY."

BUT STILL, CLAIRE McCASKILL,

WE HERE...

[CHEERING AND APPLAUSE]

I... I MAY HAVE SOLIDIFIED A

FIRST-CLASS TICKET TO

Loading...