Indecision 2012 - Southern Discomfort

  • Aired:  01/17/12
  •  | Views: 100,298

Newt Gingrich manages to both win the South Carolina debate and provide a fitting tribute to the late Martin Luther King Jr. (5:48)

Captioning sponsored by

COMEDY CENTRAL

(CHEERS AND APPLAUSE).

>> Jon: HEY, WELCOME TO "THE

DAILY SHOW"!

MY NAME IS JON STEWART!

WE GOT A GOOD ONE FOR YOU

TONIGHT.

MY GUEST, LIAM NEESON.

OUR GUEST TONIGHT, THE GREAT

LIAM NEESON, HE'S THE STAR OF

THE NEW FILM "THE GREY."

THE GRIPPING STORY ABOUT A COLOR

TRAPPED BETWEEN WHITE AND BLACK.

(LAUGHTER)

ALL RIGHT, AS YOU KNOW,

YESTERDAY WAS THE MARTIN LUTHER

KING, JR. CELEBRATION AND THE

16th REPUBLICAN DEBATE.

TWO EVENTS WITH WHAT I CAN ONLY

IMAGINE HAS A VERY SMALL

CROSSOVER AUDIENCE.

(LAUGHTER)

NOW, FOX NEWS SUMMED UP THE

STRANGE CONFLUENCE PERFECTLY,

CUTTING AWAY TO THE DEBATE TO

BOTH AN ENDURING MONUMENT TO

DR. KING'S GREATNESS AND A

MYRTLE BEACH REPUBLICAN

CANDIDATE SAND SCULPTURE WHOSE

MORTAL ENEMY APPEARS TO BE HIGH

TIDE.

(LAUGHTER)

IT'S LIKE MOUNT RUSHMORE FOR

HERMIT CRABS!

(LAUGHTER)

ALL RIGHT.

NOW I KNOW A LOT OF YOU DIDN'T

HAVE TIME TO WATCH THE WHOLE

DEBATE AND MAY NOT HAVE TIME TO

WATCH OUR NINE MINUTES OF

TALKING ABOUT IT SO FOR VIEWERS

IN A HURRY HERE'S A SYNOPSIS OF

THE DEBATE.

(LAUGHTER)

ALL RIGHT.

THAT IS PRETTY MUCH IN THE A

NUTSHELL.

THEY WERE ALL OVER EACH OTHER.

IN FACT, THE GENERAL THEME OF

THE EVENING WAS "EVERYBODY ON

THIS STAGE TONIGHT IS AN (BLEEP)

HOLE EXCEPT FOR ME."

>> SENATOR SANTORUM, TODAY YOU

SAID GOVERNOR ROMNEY IS GUILTY

OF DISTORTING YOUR RECORD.

>> MITT, WE NEED FOR YOU TO

RELEASE YOUR INCOME TAX.

>> THE ANALOGY THAT CONGRESSMAN

PAUL USED WAS UTTERLY

IRRATIONAL.

>> WHY DIDN'T YOU TRY TO CHANGE

THAT WHEN YOU WERE GOVERNOR OF

MASSACHUSETTS?

>> YOU VOTED AGAINST RIGHT TO

WORK!

>> CONGRESSMAN PAUL VOTED

AGAINST THAT BILL.

>> GOVERNOR HUNTSMAN CALLED YOU

A "PERFECTLY LUBRICATED

WEATHERVANE ON THE IMPORTANT

ISSUES OF THE DAY."

(LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE)

>> Jon: AT LEAST HE WAS

PERFECTLY LUBRICATED.

PERFECTLY LUBRICATED

WEATHERVANE?

EVEN THEIR INSULTS TO EACH OTHER

SMELL OF RICH GUYS.

AND YOU, SANTORUM, YOU'RE LIKE A

GAZEBO MADE OF CEDAR WOOD.

GOOD LUCK ON YOUR THIRD WINTER!

(LAUGHTER)

ALL RIGHT.

ALLOF COURSE, SOUTH CAROLINA IS A

TAD MORE CONSERVATIVE THAN NEW

HAMPSHIRE OR EVEN IOWA AND THE

QUESTION WAS WHO COULD DO THE

BEST JOB OF APPEALING TO THE

SOUTHERN CONSERVATIVE VOTER.

MITT ROMNEY, YOU'RE THE

FRONT-RUNNER.

WOULD YOU TAKE A SHOT AT IT.

>> I WENT MOOSE HUNTING... NOT

MOOSE HUNTING, ELK HUNT WITH

FRIENDS IN MONTANA.

>> Jon: ACTUALLY IT WASN'T AN

ELK, IT WAS A FAWN.

WE WERE...

(LAUGHTER).

WE WERE AT A PETTING ZOO.

(LAUGHTER)

I DIDN'T WANT TO SHOOT THE DAMN

THING, I JUST WANT TO BE

PRESIDENT, THAT'S ALL I WANT.

AND I KNEW I WAS GOING TO NEED

ONE KILL ON MY RECORD BUT THOSE

BIG BROWN EYES.

I KILLED BAMBI IS WHAT I'M

SAYING!

I KILLED BAMBI BECAUSE MY

FRIENDS WERE SHOUTING "NO

PUSSIES IN THE WHITE HOUSE!"

I JUST...

(LAUGHTER).

I YIELD THE REST OF MY TIME.

BUT THE REAL STAR OF THE DEBATE

WAS THE SOUTH CAROLINA AUDIENCE

WHO MADE SOME REVEALING

APPLAUDTORY CHOICES.

>> SOUTH CAROLINA IS AT WAR WITH

THIS FEDERAL GOVERNMENT AND THIS

ADMINISTRATION.

(CHEERS AND APPLAUSE).

>> Jon: WHOO!

WHOO!

WAR AGAINST THE GOVERNMENT LED

BY SOUTH CAROLINA!

(LAUGHTER)

THAT ALWAYS HAS A GOOD ENDING,

RIGHT?

I THINK I REMEMBER US CLAPPING

FOR THIS IN A PREVIOUS

INCARNATION.

(CHEERS AND APPLAUSE)

WOW.

SO A FAINT HINT OF CIVIL WAR.

(LAUGHTER)

HOARY!

WHAT DIDN'T THE AUDIENCE LIKE?

>> MAYBE WE OUGHT TO CONSIDER A

GOLDEN RULE IN FOREIGN POLICY.

DON'T DO TO OTHER NATIONS...

(BOOS)

... WHAT WE DON'T WANT TO HAPPEN

TO US.

(LAUGHTER).

>> Jon: LET THE RECORD SHOW ON

JANUARY 16, 2012, THE GOOD

PEOPLE OF SOUTH CAROLINA BOOED

THE GOLDEN RULE.

(LAUGHTER)

BUT ONE MAN MANAGED TO BOTH WIN

THE DEBATE AND PROVIDE A FITTING

TRIBUTE TO THE LATE MARTIN

LUTHER KING.

>> SPEAKER GINGRICH, YOU

RECENTLY SAID BLACK AMERICANS

SHOULD DEMAND JOBS NOT FOOD

STAMPS.

CAN'T YOU SEE THAT THIS IS

VIEWED AT A MINIMUM AS INSULTING

TO ALL AMERICANS BUT

PARTICULARLY TO BLACK AMERICANS?

(APPLAUSE)

>> NO.

I DON'T SEE THAT.

(CHEERS AND APPLAUSE).

>> Jon: HOORAY!

YES, HOORAY FOR YOUR INABILITY

TO COMPREHEND WHEN YOU'VE

INSULTED BLACK PEOPLE!

WE, TOO, FIND IT DIFFICULT!

ALL RIGHT, YOU'RE ALMOST THERE,

NEWT, ALL YOU NEED IS A BIG

FINISH THAT ENCASES YOUR

CONFLATION OF BLACK PEOPLE AND

POVERTY IN A COVERING OF MELTED

SANCTIMONY.

>> SO HERE'S MY POINT.

I BELIEVE EVERY AMERICAN OF

EVERY BACKGROUND HAS BEEN

ENDOWED BY THEIR CREATOR WITH

THE RIGHT TO PURSUE HAPPINESS

AND IF THAT MAKES LIBERALS

UNHAPPY I'M GOING TO FIND WAYS

TO HELP POOR PEOPLE LEARN HOW TO

GET A JOB, LEARN HOW TO GET A

BETTER JOB AND LEARN SOMEDAY TO

OWN THE JOB.

(CHEERS AND APPLAUSE)

>> WHEN WE COME BACK... THEY

CAN'T HEAR ME BUT I'LL TALK TO

YOU.

>> Jon: AND SO IT WAS THAT ON

MARTIN LUTHER KING DAY NEWT

GINGRICH SHARED HIS VISION OF AN

AMERICA WHERE PEOPLE WILL BE

JUDGED NOT BY THE COLOR OF THEIR

SKIN BUT BY HIM, NEWT GINGRICH.

(LAUGHTER)

AND HE FINDS THEM LAZY.

(LAUGHTER)

AND, BY THE WAY, SINCE WE'RE

ASCRIBING MOTIVATIONS TO PEOPLE

WE DON'T KNOW, I WONDER HOW

STATUE MARTIN LUTHER KING IS

FEELING ABOUT ALL OF... WAIT,

OH, HE'S ANGRY.

OH, THIS IS NOT...

(LAUGHTER)

WOW.

MARTIN LUTHER KING PREACHED

NONVIOLENCE BUT STATUE MARTIN

LUTHER KING KICKS MOTHER

(BLEEP)ING ASS!

WE'LL BE RIGHT BACK.

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