Indecision 2012 - Fear and Pandering in Las Vegas

  • Aired:  10/19/11
  •  | Views: 157,433

At the eighth Republican debate, Michele Bachmann pledges border security, Ron Paul causes uncomfortable silences, and Mitt Romney messes with Texas. (9:56)

CAPTIONING SPONSORED BY

COMEDY CENTRAL

>> Jon: WELCOME TO THE DAIL

SHOW.

MY NAME IS JON STEWART.

WE HAVE GREAT SHOW FOR YOU

TONIGHT.

REVEREND AL SHARPTON WILL BE

JOINING US LATER, BUT FIRST,

LAST NIGHT WAS THE EIGHTH AND IN

NO WAY FINAL REPUBLICAN

PRESIDENTIAL DEBATE, SPONSORED

BY THE WESTERN REPUBLICAN

LEADERSHIP CONFERENCE AND CNN.

>> THE WEST, THE MOUNTAIN

MAJESTY OF THE ROCKIES TO THE

DESERT SANDS OF THE MOJAVE, NOW

WITH NOTHING LESS THAN AMERICA'S

FUTURE AT STAKE, THE

PRESIDENTIAL CAMPAIGN GOES WEST.

>> Jon: YES, NOTHING SAYS

AMERICAN WEST LIKE THE VENETIAN

HOTEL'S GONDOLIERS, PADDLING

PREDEBATE DOWN THE VEGAS STRIP'S

FAMED RIVER OF TEARS AND

UNSIGHTLY DISCHARGE.

[LAUGHTER]

WELCOME, TOURISTS, TO THE

VENETIAN HERPES CREEK.

BUT ON TO THE DEBATE.

THE WHOLE GANG WAS THERE EXCEPT

JON HUNTSMAN, SO WHO CARES.

CONGRESSWOMAN MICHELE BACHMANN,

WHO HAVING APPARENTLY UNTANGLED

THE ARMS OF HER STRAITJACKET SET

OUT TO SHOW THAT EVEN IN A TIGHT

FIELD NO ONE PUTS CRAZY IN A

CORNER.

>> I WAS THE VERY FIRST

CANDIDATE THAT SIGNED A PLEDGE

THAT SAID THAT BY A DATE CERTAIN

I WILL BUILD A DOUBLE-WALLED

FENCE WITH AN AREA OF SECURITY

NEUTRALITY IN BETWEEN.

>> Jon: DOUBLE WALL!

SINGLE WALL CAN'T GET THE JOB

DONE, BUT THE DOUBLE WALL.

MICHELE BACHMANN FORMS HER

IMMIGRATION POLICY THE WAY

GILLETTE COMES UP WITH NEW

RAZORS.

THE FIRST WALL STRETCHES THE

IMMIGRANT OUT.

THE SECOND WALL CUTS THEM OFF AT

THE ROOTS.

I'M NOT SURE WHAT THE

LUBRICATING STRIP DOES.

RON PAUL WAS THERE TO REMIND

PEOPLE WHAT UNCOMFORTABLE

SILENCE FEELS LIKE.

>> I WANT TO ASK A QUESTION: ARE

YOU ALL WILLING TO CUT DOWN

RONALD REAGAN FOR EXCHANGING

WEAPONS FOR HOSTAGES OUT OF

IRAN.

WE ALL KNOW THAT WAS DONE.

>> Jon: ANYONE?

ANYONE IN?

RONALD REAGAN NEGOTIATED WITH

TERRORISTS?

ANYONE?

ALL RIGHT, [BLEEPED] IT, HOW

ABOUT WE FILL THE RIO GRANDE

WITH LAVA.

HOW ABOUT THAT?

BUT ENOUGH OF THE NICETIES.

LET'S GET READY TO ROMNEY.

>> WHY DON'T YOU LET ME SPEAK.

>> YOU'RE ALLOWED TO CHANGE --

>> RICK, YOU HAD YOUR CHANCE.

WHY DON'T YOU LET ME SPEAK.

YOU GOT IT FROM THE HERITAGE

FOUNDATION.

>> YOU JUST SAID IT'S NOT TRUE.

IF IT'S IN YOUR BOOK...

>> YOU TOOK IT OUT OF YOUR BOOK.

LET'S BE HONEST.

[LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE]

>> Jon: YOU SEE THAT WOMAN'S

LOOK OF SHOCK.

DO YOU SEE THE LOOK OF SHOCK?

DO YOU KNOW HOW HARD IT IS TO

GET A LOOK OF SHOCK FROM SOMEONE

IN LAS VEGAS.

[LAUGHTER]

IT'S LAS VEGAS.

YOU KNOW WHAT THEY CALL A SHOW

GIRL [BLEEPED] A PENGUIN IN LAS

VEGAS?

TUESDAY.

BUT THE EVENING WAS MOSTLY ABOUT

CANDIDATES ANSWERING FOR THEIR

PAST STATEMENTS.

FOR HERMAN CAIN IT WAS HIS 999

TAX REFORM PLAN WHICH CAME UNDER

HEAVY ATTACKMENT

>> REPORTS ARE OUT THAT 84% OF

AMERICANS WOULD PAY MORE TAXES

UNDER HIS PLAN.

>> HERMAN, I LOVE YOU, BROTHER,

BUT LET ME TELL YOU SOMETHING:

YOU DON'T HAVE TO HAVE A BIG

ANALYSIS TO FIGURE THIS THING

OUT.

WE'LL BUMP PLANS AND WE'LL SEE

WHO HAS THE BEST IDEA ABOUT HOW

YOU GET THIS COUNTRY WORKING

AGAIN.

>> Jon: I DON'T THINK YOU

SHOULD DO THE "BROTHER" THING.

[CHEERING AND APPLAUSE]

[WHISPERING]

I DON'T THINK YOU WANT TO BE ALL

HEY, BROTHER, WITH HERMAN.

I DON'T KNOW IF YOU REMEMBER,

BUT A COUPLE WEEKS AGO THERE WAS

THIS DISCLOSURE THAT YOU LEASED

A RANCH CALLED... CALLED...

HERMAN, HERMAN...

>> THE NAME OF THE PLACE WAS

CALLED NIGGERHEAD.

>> Jon: [WHISPERING] RIGHT.

SO I'D GO EASY ON THAT "BROTHER"

[BLEEPED].

BUT TO PERRY'S POINT THAT CAIN'S

9% FEDERAL SALES TAX WOULD

IMPOSE AN ADDITIONAL COST ON TOP

OF STATE SALES TAX, WELL, CAIN

HAD A SIMPLE RESPONSE.

>> THIS IS AN EXAMPLE OF MIXING

APPLES AND ORANGES.

THE STATE TAX IS AN APPLE.

WE ARE REPLACING THE CURRENT TAX

CODE WITH ORANGES.

>> HERMAN, ARE YOU SAYING THAT

STATE SALES TAX WILL ALSO GO

AWAY.

>> NO, THAT'S AN APPLE.

>> OH, OKAY.

WE'RE REPLACING A BUNCH OF

ORANGES.

>> WILL THE PEOPLE IN NEVADA NOT

HAVE TO PAY NEVADA SALES TAX AND

IN ADDITION PAY THE 9% TAX.

>> YOU'RE STILL GOING TO PAY

THAT.

THAT'S APPLES AND ORANGES.

>> AND I'M GOING TO GET A

BUSHELL BASKET WITH APPLES AND

ORANGES.

AND PEOPLE IN NEVADA DON'T WANT

TO PAY BOTH TAXES.

>> Jon: HEY, HERMAN CAIN, YOU

LIKE APPLES?

DAWES YOU JUST GOT WICKED

SCHOOLED BY THE FORMER GOVERNOR

OF MASSACHUSETTS.

HOW DO YOU LIKE THEM [BLEEPED]

APPLES.

AHHHH!

THANK YOU.

THAT WAS MY ONE-MAN SHOW IDEA

GOOD WILL HUNTING" THE APPLE

SCENE.

BUT OF COURSE ROMNEY IS THE

FRONT-RUNNER.

HERE HE IS DEFENDING ROMNEY

CARE, WHICH, AS YOU KNOW, IS

IDENTICAL TO IT BUT IN NO WAY

HAS ANYTHING TO DO WITH OBAMA

CARE.

>> ACTUALLY, NEWTON, WE GOT THE

IDEA OF AN INDIVIDUAL MANDATE

FROM YOU.

SORRY, RICK, THAT YOU FIND SO

MUCH TO DISLIKE IN MY PLAN, BUT

THE PEOPLE OF MASSACHUSETTS LIKE

IT BY ABOUT A 3-1 MARGIN.

WAS IT SOMETHING I'D IMPOSE ON

THE NATION?

THE ANSWER IS ABSOLUTELY NOT.

[LAUGHTER]

>> Jon: SO TO SUMMARIZE ROMNEY

CARE: IT'S A GREAT REPUBLICAN

IDEA THAT WORKS GREAT.

THE PEOPLE OF MASSACHUSETTS LOVE

IT.

I WOULD NEVER DO IT AGAIN.

IT'S SOCIALISM.

BUT THE REAL FIREWORKS CAME

WHEN...

[CHEERING AND APPLAUSE]

THE REAL FIREWORKS CAME WHEN THE

TWO SILVERBACKS, ROMNEY AND

PERRY, WENT MANO A MANO ON THE

SUBJECT OF PEOPLE WHOSE NATIVE

TONGUE GAVE US THE PHRASE "MANO

A MANO."

>> MITT, YOU LOSE ALL OF YOUR

STANDING FROM MY PERSPECTIVE

BECAUSE YOU HIRED ILLEGALS IN

YOUR HOME AND YOU KNEW ABOUT IT

FOR A YEAR.

>> I DON'T THINK THAT I'VE EVER

HIRED AN ILLEGAL IN MY LIFE, SO

I'M AFRAID... I'M LOOKING

FORWARD TO FINDING YOUR FACTS ON

THAT BECAUSE THAT...

>> RICK, AGAIN, I'M SPEAKING.

I'M SPEAKING.

>> YOU'RE NOT ALLOWED TO USE

YOUR HANDS.

I WOULD HATE TO BE ABLE TO ZOOM

IN RIGHT NOW AND SEE WHAT IS

GOING ON INSIDE RICK PERRY'S

HEAD.

[APPLAUSE]

TO BE FAIR... TO BE FAIR, FROM

WHAT I UNDERSTAND THAT IS THE

CLIP THAT IS ALWAYS PLAYING

INSIDE RICK PERRY'S HEAD.

[LAUGHTER]

BUT MITT ROMNEY WASN'T DONE

MESSING WITH TEXAS.

>> WE HIRED A LAWN COMPANY TO

MOW OUR LAWN.

AND THEY HAD ILLEGAL IMMIGRANTS

THAT WERE WORKING THERE, AND

WHEN THAT WAS POINTED OUT TO US,

WE LET THEM GO.

WE WENT TO THEM AND SAID...

>> ARE YOU LICENSED?

>> YOU HAVE A PROBLEM WITH

ALLOWING SOMEONE TO FINISH

SPEAKING.

AND I SUGGEST IF YOU WANT TO

BECOME PRESIDENT OF THE UNITED

STATES, YOU HAVE TO LET BOTH

PEOPLE SPEAK, SO LET ME SPEAK.

>> Jon: YEAH.

RICK PERRY, I THINK MITT ROMNEY

HAD SOMETHING FOR YOU RIGHT

HERE.

LET ME GET IT FOR YOU.

IT'S COMING RIGHT NOW.

BOOM.

THAT'S WHAT THEY CALL THE MORMON

BIRD.

IT'S NOT... SOMETIMES... OH, NO,

HE COULD HAVE DOUBLED DOWN.

SOMETIMES THEY'LL BE ALL LIKE,

OH, WHAT'S THAT?

UH-UH, NO OKAY, NOT OKAY.

IT'S OKAY WITH A FLASH-THROUGH.

YOU CAN'T [BLEEPED] WITH MORMON

HAND SIGNALS.

BUT IT WAS HERE, LADIES AND

GENTLEMEN, AROUND MINUTE 58 OF

THE EIGHTH REPUBLICAN

PRESIDENTIAL DEBATE, THAT MITT

ROMNEY WAS EXPLAINING WHY IT WAS

THAT HE NO LONGER ALLOWED

ILLEGAL IMMIGRANTS THE PRIVILEGE

OF MOWING HIS LAWN THAT HE GAVE

AWAY WHAT WE IN THE BUSINESS

CALL "THE GAME."

>> WE WENT TO THE COMPANY AND WE

SAID, "LOOK, YOU CAN'T HAVE ANY

ILLEGALS WORKING ON OUR

PROPERTY.

I'M RUNNING FOR OFFICE FOR

PETE'S SAKE."

>> Jon: BELIEVE ME, IF I

WASN'T RUNNING FOR OFFICE, I

WOULDN'T GIVE A FLYING... PAY

'EM $2.

IT'S NOT PRINCIPLE.

I GOT PEOPLE WATCHING ME.

MITT, IF I MAY...

[CHEERING AND APPLAUSE]

IF I MAY GIVE YOU A PIECE OF

CAMPAIGN ADVICE, THERE IS NO

STORY THAT MAKES YOU LOOK GOOD

THAT INVOLVES YOU SAYING, "I'M

RUNNING FOR OFFICE, FOR PETE'S

SAKE."

THAT'S WHEN I STOOD UP STRAYING

AND I SAID, GET THIS BALLOON

FULL OF COCAINE OUT OF MY ASS.

I'M RUNNING FOR OFFICE FOR

PETE'S SAKE.

GET THIS DOG OFF MY PENIS.

I'M RUNNING FOR OFFICE FOR

GOODNESS SAKE.

[LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE]

YOU KNOW WHAT I LIKE BEST ABOUT

THAT JOKE, MITT ROMNEY'S

SURPRISE ON HAVING THE DOG ON

HIS PENIS.

WELL, YOU SLATHER A LITTLE BIT

OF PEANUT BUTTER DOWN THERE AND

GOD KNOWS WHAT THE HELL HAPPENS.

SERIOUSLY.

THAT "FOR PETE'S SAKE I'M

RUNNING FOR OFFICE" MAY BE THE

MOST HONEST THING MITT ROMNEY

HAS EVER SAID, BECAUSE I'M

ABSOLUTELY SURE THAT'S WHAT HE

WAS THINKING AT THAT TIME.

FOR JUST A MOMENT IT FELT LIKE

THE GUARD DROPPED AND WE ALL GOT

TO SEE THE TINY HUMAN BEING THAT

RESIDES INSIDE THE SKULL OF THE

GIANT ROBOT BODY.

WE'LL BE RIG

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