Denis Leary

  • Aired:  12/03/12
  •  | Views: 57,392

Denis Leary discusses his book, "Merry F***in' Christmas," and how it will destroy a child's belief in Santa Claus, their parents, and the holiday itself. (6:22)

>> Jon: WELCOME BACK.

MY GUEST TONIGHT VERY FUNNY ACTOR AND COMEDIAN.

HIS NEW BOOK IS CALLED MERRY

[BLEEP] CHRISTMAS.

PLEASE WELCOME BACK TO THE PROGRAM, DENIS LEARY.

( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE )

>> THANK YOU Jon: YOUNG MAN THANK YOU Jon: WELCOME THANK YOU Jon: WELCOME TO THE SHOW

THANK YOU Jon: TIME SO GLAD YOU'RE HERE TO TALK ABOUT YOUR BOOK.

>> I KNOW.

IT'S SHAPED LIKE A BOOK.

AGAIN IT'S MORE OF A COASTER, JON.

IT'S A CHRISTMAS COASTER.

SO IT'S ONE IN A SERIES.

NEXT YEAR I'LL HAVE HAPPY GOD-DAMNED HANUKKAH

>> Jon: SHOULDN'T A BOOK ABOUT CHRISTMAS HAVE MORE PAGES IN IT THAN SANTA HAS REIN DEER?

>> YOU KNOW, JON, IT'S NOT ABOUT QUANTITY.

IT'S ABOUT QUALITY, FOLKS.

>> Jon: OH, YEAH, ABOUT THAT.

AND ALSO IT'S LIKE I WANTED TO MAKE A FOUR-AND-A-HALF MINUTE READ FOR PEOPLE.

>> Jon: LIKE A SONG.

IT'S NOT A BOOK.

IT'S A SINGLE.

>> THANK YOU.

IN FOUR-AND-A-HALF MINUTES HE CAN DESTROY YOUR CHILDREN'S BELIEF IN YOU SANTA CLAUS AND AN

ENTIRE HOLIDAY.

AND THE PROCEEDS BENEFIT FIREFIGHTERS, JON, BECAUSE SANTA IS NOT REAL BUT FIREFIGHTERS ARE.

( APPLAUSE )

>> Jon: WOW.

DID YOU PULL THAT ONE OUT.

>> I CAN'T TAKE ANY MONEY FROM THIS.

>> Jon: THIS WOULD NOT GET ME THROUGH ONE BOWL MOVEMENT

>> I KNOW.

Jon: AS OLD AS I AM NOW, DO YOU KNOW HOW MANY OF THESE I WOULD NEED?

>> HERE'S THE THING, JON.

THE I-PAD VERSION OF THE BOOK, HE'S TALKING BOWL MOVEMENTS.

HE'S 50.

WE HAVE TO HELP HIM OUT HERE.

THAT HAS ALL THESE EXTRAS.

THINGS EXPLODE.

THERE'S SPECIAL EFFECTS AND EVERYTHING.

YOU COULD BE IN THE BATHROOM FOR A GOOD 45 MINUTES WHICH YOU PROBABLY ARE ANYWAY.

I HAVE TO BE HONEST...

>> Jon: HERE IS MY FAVORITE PART OF THE BOOK.

LET ME GO TO THIS VERY QUICKLY.

CAN YOU GET THAT?

HE HAS THE COAUTHOR.

(LAUGHING) VERY FUNNY.

FIRST OF ALL IT'S VERY FUNNY

>> CAN I EXPLAIN WHY I HAVE A COAUTHOR?

>> Jon: A LOT OF HEAVY LIFTING.

IT'S BAITED ON THE SONG MERRY

[BLEEP] CHRISTMAS WHICH WAS CO--WRITTEN BY CHRIS PHILLIPS.

YOU KNOW WHAT'S REALLY SAD COMEDY CENTRAL HAD THIS IDEA AND CAME TO US.

YOU KNOW WHAT CHRIS AND I DID FOR THIS BOOK?

>> Jon: WAIT.

THIS WASN'T EVEN AN IDEA.

ARE YOU SERIOUS?

>> THEY CAME TO US AND SAID CAN YOU TURN THIS SONG INTO A BOOK?

WE WERE LIKE SURE.

WE WERE LIKE WHAT DO WE HAVE TO DO?

WE WERE LIKE NOTHING.

WE'RE LIKE OKAY.

( APPLAUSE )

>> Jon: THE CRAZIEST THING I'VE EVER HEARD.

IT'S LIKE YOU WERE IN A VEGETATIVE STATE.

AND THEN IS THIS OKAY?

>> (LAUGHING) BUT WE DID ACTUALLY RECORD SOME SPECIAL EFFECTS, LIKE I SAID, FOR THE I-PAD.

>> Jon: WHEN YOU AND PHILLIPS DID THE AUDIO STUFF...

>> IT HELPS FIREFIGHTERS.

LISTEN.

THAT'S WHERE THE MONEY GOES.

LISTEN.

I KNOW IT'S BARELY... IT'S NOT A BOOK.

BUT PLEASE BUY THIS COASTER AND HELP FIREFIGHTERS EVERYWHERE.

>> Jon: YOU WOULD BE BETTER OFF JUST PUTTING A PLACEMAT THAT SAYS, "GIVE MONEY TO

FIREFIGHTERS."

>> THAT'S WHAT I SAID.

THEY SAID, NO, WE NEED TO ACTUALLY HAVE A PRODUCT.

>> Jon: I'M EXCITED WHY ARE YOU EXCITED?

Jon: BECAUSE YOU CAN'T STOP CHRISTMAS.

YOU CAN ONLY HOPE TO CONTAIN IT.

I'M JEWISH.

MY KIDS, ONCE THEY GOT AHOLD OF CHRISTMAS, HANUKKAH TO THEM IS HILARIOUS.

YOU HAVE A POTATO PANCAKE AND LIGHT A CANDLE.

IT'S THE MACABEES

>> IT'S OVER FOR YOU.

THEY'RE GOING TO BE TELLING THEIR FRIENDS SOON THAT THEIR DAD ISN'T JEWISH.

>> Jon: THEY'RE VERY HAPPY TO BE HALF JEWISH AND THEY KNOW IT'S THE DIGESTIVE SIDE.

>> DO THEY STILL BELIEVE IN SANTA CLAUS?

>> Jon: YES, THEY DO DON'T TAKE THIS HOME Jon: YOU REALLY THINK, EVEN IF THEY WERE LIKE 18 I'D BRING

THEM A MERRY [BLEEP] CHRISTMAS BOOK?

>> I DON'T KNOW, JON.

I THOUGHT YOU MIGHT WANT TO HELP THE FIREFIGHTERS.

THAT'S ALL I'M SAYING.

THAT'S ALL I'M SAYING.

( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE )

>> Jon: YOU KNOW WHAT?

FOR AN IRISH GUY YOU'VE PERFECTED THE JEWISH GUILT.

>> I REALLY HAVE Jon: I HAVE TO DO THAT.

YOUR KIDS ARE ALL...

>> MY KIDS ARE GROWN UP.

Jon: YOUR WIFE HAS RAISED THEM SO WELL

>> THEY STILL TALK TO MY WIFE AND TELL HER EVERYTHING.

I'M JUST THIS GUY, YOU KNOW.

>> Jon: HANGS OUT IN THE HOUSE IN HIS UNDERWEAR DOING NOTHING.

I CAN'T WAIT UNTIL THAT

>> I'M JUST EMBARRASSING TO MY KIDS AT THIS POINT.

>> Jon: IS THAT TRUE?

IT DOESN'T MATTER WHO YOU ARE.

YOU'RE NEVER COOL TO YOUR KIDS.

YOU'LL FIND THAT OUT SOON.

WELL, YOU PROBABLY ALREADY KNOW.

YOU TURNED 50 WHEN?

A MONTH AGO?

>> Jon: A COUPLE OF DAYS AGO.

( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE )

>> HONESTLY.

LET ME JUST ASK YOU, HOW DO YOU FEEL?

>> Jon: I DON'T FEEL WELL.

YOU DON'T FEEL WELL?

Jon: I'VE ALWAYS SAID THIS TO PEOPLE.

I WEAR MAKE-UP AND A SUIT.

IT MAKES ME LOOK LIKE I'M NOT OLD.

WHEN PEOPLE SEE ME ON THE STREET, THEY ALWAYS SAY TO ME, ARE YOU JON STEWART?

AND THEY GO, ARE YOU OKAY?

>> I'M OLDER THAN YOU.

I'M 55.

I DON'T FEEL 55 UNTIL I LIKE I COME HERE AND I SEE YOU AND I GO, HOLY [BLEEP].

>> Jon: YOU SHOULD BECAUSE THE INSIDE OF YOUR YOUNG I'M SURPRISED LORETTA LYNN IS IN

THERE SINGING A [BLEEP] SONG BECAUSE I HAVE NEVER A DUDE PUT DOWN MORE COAL AND TAR IN HIS

LUNGS THAN THIS GUY

>> EXCEPT FOR SANTA CLAUS Jon: THERE ARE PEOPLE UNIONIZING IN HIS LUNGS RIGHT NOW.

MERRY [BLEEP] CHRISTMAS IS ON THE BOOK SHELVES NOW.

IT'S TO HELP FIREFIGHTERS

>> IT ACTUALLY IS EVEN THOUGH YOU JEST

>> Jon: DENIS LEARY,

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