Aliens vs. Senators

  • Aired:  04/16/13
  •  | Views: 49,085

The bipartisan Senate "gang of eight" finally builds a barrier that immigrants won't be able to get past. (3:45)

PRETTY GOOD.

WHY DON'T WE DEAL WITH SOME

NON-AWFUL NEWS?

IT APPEARS WE MAY BE ON THE CUSP

OF A BREAK THROUGH ON

IMMIGRATION REFORM.

>> THE BIPARTISAN SENATE GANG OF

EIGHT IS SOON EXPECTED TO

RELEASE AN IMMIGRATION BLUEPRINT

THAT WILL INCLUDE A PATH TO

CITIZENSHIP.

>> Jon: REALLY?

"GANG?"

REALLY?

FIRST OF ALL.

THAT'S A GANG OF EIGHT.

(LAUGHTER)

THAT LITTLE GROUP THERE.

YOU'RE GOING TO CALL THEM A

GANG?

I THINK YOU MEAN THE CO-OP BOARD

OF EIGHT.

(LAUGHTER)

THAT IS NOT A GANG.

HOW IS THAT A GANG?

"I GET A TEARDROP TATTOO FOR

EACH APARTMENT APPLICATION I

REJECT."

(LAUGHTER)

"THIS TATTOO RIGHT HERE, THE

WOMAN HAD A DOG."

(LAUGHTER)

BUT A PATH TO CITIZENSHIP IS

GOOD NEWS SEEING AS THIS IS THE

CURRENT PATH.

(AUDIENCE REACTS)

SO ANY PATH IS BETTER THAN THIS.

ON SUNDAY GANG OF EIGHT MEMBER

CAPTAIN THIRSTY, A.K.A. NO-SPIT

JOHNSON, A.K.A. THE HUMAN

DESSICANT, A.K.A. THE GEL PACKET

THEY PUT IN CLOTHES SO THEY

DON'T RETAIN MOISTURE, RUBIO

LAID OUT THE PATH.

>> YOU'RE GOING TO HAVE TO PAY A

FINE, AN APPLICATION FEE, YOU

HAVE TO PASS A BACKGROUND CHECK.

>> Jon: (LAUGHS)

BACKGROUND CHECK THAT'S EASY TO

GET AROUND, BACKGROUND CHECK.

ALL YOU'VE GOT TO DO IS TELL

IMMIGRATION YOU'RE A GUN.

(LAUGHTER)

STILL, THAT DOESN'T SOUND SO

BAD.

YOU GET A FEW FEES, A FEW FORMS

THEN YOU'RE A CITIZEN, RIGHT?

>> ASSUMING ALL THAT HAPPENS THE

ONLY THING YOU GET IS A WORK

PERMIT.

>> Jon: OH.

WELL, THAT'S KIND OF A LOT OF

WORK JUST TO BE ALLOWED TO DO

OUR (BLEEP)EST WORK.

BUT YOU KNOW WHAT?

IT'S ALL WORTH IT WHEN YOU GET

TO PARTAKE IN THE AMERICAN

DREAM.

>> YOU DON'T QUALIFY FOR ANY

FEDERAL BENEFITS AND YOU HAVE TO

PROVE THAT YOU CAN SUSTAIN AND

SUPPORT YOURSELF AND YOU HAVE TO

BE IN THE SYSTEM AT LEAST TEN

YEARS BEFORE WE GIVE YOU ACCESS

TO APPLY FOR THE LEGAL

IMMIGRATION SYSTEM.

(LAUGHTER)

>> Jon: OKAY, NOW THAT'S

STARTING TO SOUND LIKE A LOT.

ALTHOUGH THAT IS THE SAME SYSTEM

THEY HAVE A PLACE TO GET "BOOK

OF MORMON" TICKETS.

(APPLAUSE)

GOOD SHOW.

AND I'M FRIENDS WITH THOSE GUYS!

ALL RIGHT, SO THIS NEW PATH TO

CITIZENSHIP IT'S ABOUT STAMINA.

IT'S LONG, IT'S ARDUOUS, BUT

IT'S POSSIBLE.

THERE WOULDN'T BE ANYTHING OUT

OF THESE INDIVIDUALS' CONTROL

THAT WOULD HAVE TO HAPPEN BEFORE

THEY CAN WALK DOWN THIS POSSIBLE

PATH TO CITIZENSHIP?

>> YOU DON'T GAIN ACCESS TO ANY

OF THAT UNTIL THERE'S A

UNIVERSALLY VERIFIED SYSTEM IN

PLACE.

>> THAT WOULD ALLOW EMPLOYERS TO

CHECK THE CITIZENSHIP STATUS OF

WORKERS THEY WANT TO HIRE.

>> Jon: THAT WILL NEVER

HAPPEN.

(LAUGHTER)

WE STILL COME UP WITH A COMPUTER

PROGRAM LIKE THAT FOR VETERANS

MEDICAL RECORDS AND WE LIKE

VETERANS!

(LAUGHTER)

WHAT ELSE HAS TO HAPPEN?

>> ANOTHER IS A TRACKING SYSTEM

TO MAKE SURE THAT IMMIGRANTS WHO

COME INTO THE COUNTRY LEGALLY

DON'T END UP OVERSTAYING THEIR

VISAS.

>> Jon: NO PATH TO CITIZENSHIP

UNTIL "LOGAN'S RUN" IS A

REALITY.

(LAUGHTER)

WOW, I AM OLD.

REALLY?

NO "LOGAN'S RUN" FANS?

REMEMBER "YOU'RE GOING TO

CAROUSEL" AND THEN THE PEOPLE

AND FARRAH FAWCETT WOULD --

(LAUGHTER).

OR NOT!

I'M JUST GONNA GET SOME MILK.

(LAUGHTER)

THEN THERE WAS THE FRANCHISE

CALLED "STAR WARS".

(LAUGHTER)

AND LASTLY --

>> AND LASTLY THERE WOULD BE

WHAT HE CALLED REAL BORDER

SECURITY WHICH WOULD INCLUDE

FENCING.

>> Jon: FENCING?

FOR GOD'S SAKE, YOU REALLY THINK

THESE GUYS ARE GOING TO KEEP

IMMIGRANTS OUT?

(LAUGHTER AND APPL

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