Ricky Gervais

  • Aired:  02/14/12
  •  | Views: 402,372

Ricky Gervais explores the complexities of consensual interspecies sex. (7:40)

(CHEERS AND APPLAUSE).

>> Jon: MY GUEST TONIGHT IS A

RISK COMEDIAN.

HE HAS A NEW SHOW FOR HBO CALLED

"LIFE'S TOO SHORT."

>> I BELIEVE I SAID SOMETHING TO

OFFEND YOU.

>> WHAT DO YOU MEAN LIKE

TRASHING ME IN FRONT OF, LIKE

2,00 MILLION PEOPLE AT THE

GOLDEN GLOBES.

>> THAT WAS A WHILE AGO.

THEY WERE JOKES, JOHNNY.

>> OH, THEY WERE JOKES, YEAH.

YOU LIKE JOKES?

GOOD.

BECAUSE I ACTUALLY GOT TOGETHER

WITH A FEW PALS AFTER THE AWARDS

AND WE WROTE SOME JOKES ABOUT

YOU.

I WANT YOU TO KNOW THIS AND I

WANT YOU TO CARRY THIS WITH YOU

FOR THE REST OF YOUR DAYS.

NO ONE MAKES FUN OF TIM ALLEN ON

MY WATCH.

(LAUGHTER)

>> Jon: WELCOME BACK TO THE

PROGRAM RICKEY GERVAIS.

GEAR.

(CHEERS AND APPLAUSE)

>> THANK YOU.

(CHEERS AND APPLAUSE)

>> Jon: MY LIEGE!

(CHEERS AND APPLAUSE)

HE'S NOT A PIECE OF MEAT.

HE'S A MAN WITH A MIND.

HE'S A PIECE OF MEAT.

FOR SECOND I THOUGHT THERE WAS

SOMETHING STIMULATING ABOUT IT.

>> YOU CALMED THEM DOWN.

>> Jon: HAPPY VALENTINE'S DAY.

THANK YOU FOR SPENDING IT WITH

ME.

>> MY PLEASURE.

MY GIRLFRIEND SAID "WHAT DO YOU

WANT TO DO VALENTINE'S NIGHT?"

I SAID "SPEND IT WITH JON

STEWART."

SHE SAID "WHAT'S IN IT FOR HE?

" I SAID, YOU CAN WATCH IT

TONIGHT.

(LAUGHTER)

"BE PART OF IT," I SAID.

"FEEL INVOLVED."

>> Jon: OBVIOUSLY YOU MEAN THE

INTERVIEW.

>> THERE WILL BE NO HANKY-PANKY.

>> Jon: I DON'T HANK OR PANK.

>> JUST CUDDLE BUDDIES, JUST

FRIEND.

>> Jon: THAT'S ALL IT IS.

>> LIKE PANDAS.

THE THING IS RIGHT, NOW PANDAS

ARE ONE OF THE MOST ENDANGERED

SPECIES ON THE PLANET, RIGHT?

WE'RE ALL RUSHING AROUND GOING

LET'S SAVE THE PANDA BUT THEY'RE

NOT MEETING US HALFWAY.

THEY'RE NOT HAVING SEX SO THAT'S

FUNDAMENTAL TO SURVIVING.

WHEN DID THEY STOP HAVING SEX?

WHY ARE THEY SO LIKE MIDDLE

CLASS BOHEMIAN GOING "WE'RE NOT

GOING TO HAVE CHILDREN."

IT'S RIDICULOUS.

(CHEERS AND APPLAUSE)

THIS IS TRUE, DON'T GET ME

STARTED ON THE CHINESE.

(LAUGHTER)

THEY'RE SO WORRIED ABOUT THE

PANDA THE NATIONAL EMBLEM THAT

THEY STARTED GIVING THEIR PANDAS

IN CAPTIVITY VIAGRA.

THAT'S ABSOLUTELY TRUE.

AND I LOOKED INTO THIS, RIGHT?

THE NORMAL COPULATION OF A PANDA

IS TWO MINUTES.

WHICH IS FINE, I THINK.

(LAUGHTER)

ABOUT RIGHT, ISN'T IT?

>> Jon: NOT BAD.

THAT DOESN'T SOUND ENDANGERED TO

ME.

>> (LAUGHS)

YES!

GET IT DONE, RIGHT?

NOW, BUT ON VIAGRA THEY CAN COP

LATE FOR 30 MINUTES.

>> Jon: OH, FORGOD'S SAKE.

GYP BUT WHAT DIFFERENCE DOES

THAT MAKE?

YOU FINISH OR YOU DON'T.

SO WHAT DIFFERENCE DOES IT MAKE?

UNLESS VIAGRA MAKES YOU

EJACULATE FOR THE FULL 30

MINUTES TO MAKE...

(LAUGHTER).

UNTIL THEY JUST SORT OF SLIP OFF

THE BACK OF THE FEMALE LIKE

SOMETHING YOU STICK YOUR PAJAMAS

IN AND...

(LAUGHTER).

THE FEMALE IS LEFT LIKE A BIG

WOBBLY SPUNK BOMB.

(LAUGHTER)

THAT'S TRUE.

THAT IS TRUE.

>> Jon: CAN I TELL YOU

SOMETHING?

THIS IS ABSOLUTELY TRUE.

"BIG WOBBLY SPUNK BOMB" IS THE

ENGLISH TRANSLATION OF LI, LI.

>> WELL, YOU CAN RAPE TOO MUCH.

>> Jon: UNLESS MEN ARE AROUND.

AND IT'S NATURE.

>> AND THERE'S ANOTHER TRUTH.

SORRY ABOUT THIS.

I'M PLUGGING SOMETHING HERE BUT

YOU CAN GO ON BUT THEY ALSO...

THEY TRY TO SHOW THEM PORN TO

GET THEM...

>> Jon: PANDAS?

>> YES.

>> Jon: PANDA PORN OR

PORN/PORN.

>> I ASSUME IT WAS PANDAS AS

OPPOSED TO TWO HUMANS.

(LAUGHTER)

BUT THAT'S A GOOD POINT.

IF IT'S PANDAS SHAGGING JUST GET

THOSE TO BE THE BREEDING PAIR.

IF THEY'RE ALREADY AT IT,

THEY'RE FINE.

WHY DO THEY WANT SOMEONE ELSE

WATCHING IT.

>> Jon: DO YOU THINK IT'S

C.G.I.?

ONE OF THOSE THINGS THEY DO IN

LIKE LUCASFILM COMES IN AND

THEY'RE LIKE "LET'S HAVE THE

PANDA EJACULATE FIRST."

OR.

>> OR TWO OUT-OF-WORK ACTORS IN

PANDA COSTUMES.

(LAUGHTER).

>> Jon: WHO'S THE GUY WHO

PLAYS GOLLUM SANDY...

>>ER IS KISS.

>> Jon: ANDY SERKIS COULD DO

AN AWARD WINNING PANDA (BLEEP).

>> OH, YEAH!

>> Jon: I JUST MADE THAT NOISE

AS THOUGH THAT'S WHAT PANDAS DO.

>> DO YOU THINK IT SHOULD BE

TASTEFUL OR...

>> Jon: NO, NO.

I THINK TASTEFUL PORN PANDA

WOULD WORK EARLY ON BUT IT'S THE

SAME WAY WITH US.

IN THE OLD DAYS YOU'D FIND A

SEARS CATALOG WITH A PICTURE OF

A BRA AND YOU'D GO "I'M GONNA

(BLEEP) OFF FOR DAYS.

" NOW IT REALLY IS... AT LEAST

FOR ME IT'S NOT PANDAS

(BLEEP)ING IT'S NOTHING FOR ME.

>> YOU GO IN THERE AND GO "YOU

GOT SOMETHING ELSE?"

YOU MIGHT WANT TO LOOK AT THAT.

RACCOONS, EVERYTHING.

(LAUGHTER).

>> Jon: LET ME ASK YOU THIS.

WHAT IS THIS?

BECAUSE I DON'T... AND THIS

IS... I'M NOT GOING TO PUT IT

OUT THERE AND SAY I'M A BIG

AFICIONADO OF THE SEXUAL ARTS

BUT I'VE BEEN MASTURBATING FOR A

LONG TIME...

(LAUGHTER).

I DON'T KNOW WHAT THIS IS.

>> THAT WASN'T ME SAYING I'VE

GOT A HUG GIRTH AND THAT'S HOW I

MASTURBATE.

>> Jon: SO IS THIS YOU HOLDING

A RACK DISMOON.

>> YES!

(LAUGHTER)

>> Jon: OKAY, I'M FINE.

I'M FINE WITH THAT.

(CHEERS AND APPLAUSE).

>> Jon: LET THE RECORD STATE..

>> NO, IT WASN'T ME RAPING A

RACCOON.

I WASN'T RAPING IT!

IT WAS CONSENSUAL SEX WITH THE

RACCOON.

BUT I WAS A PANDA SO IT WASN'T

BESTIALITY, IT WAS JUST

INTERSPECIES CONSENSUAL SEX.

THE PANDA WAS GOING LOOK AT THAT

(BLEEP)ING (BLEEP).

(LAUGHTER).

>> Jon: SO, SEE, HERE'S

WHAT... OKAY... ALL OF A SUDDEN

WHEN IT'S THE PANDA IT'S WITH

ONE HAND BUT WHEN IT'S YOU...

>> (LAUGHS).

>> Jon: THE PANDA DOES IT WITH

ONE HAND BUT RICKY GERVAIS "GIVE

ME THAT RACCOON!

COME ON!"

>> THIS ISN'T GOING OUT ON

TELEVISION.

THIS IS NOT GOING OUT ON

TELEVISION.

NO.

(CHEERS AND APPLAUSE)

>> Jon: AT LEAST NOW WE KNOW

WHY PANDAS AND RACCOONS HAVE

BLACK EYES.

(CHEERS AND APPLAUSE)

>> THAT IS TERRIBLE.

>> Jon: ANYWAY, MY POINT IS

RICKY GERVAIS HAS A NEW SHOW ON

HBO.

(LAUGHTER)

IT'S CALLED...

>> OH, YEAH, "LIFE'S TOO SHORT"

ON HBO THIS SUNDAY AT 10:30.

BEFORE THAT I'M ON "FAMILY GUY"

AND BEFORE THAT ON SATURDAY I'M

DOING THINGS ON THE SCIENCE

CHANNEL.

>> Jon: I THOUGHT YOU WERE

GOING TO SAY THINGS WITH

MARSUPIALS BUT ALL RIGHT.

"LIFE'S TOO SHORT" HBO SUNDAYS,

FEBRUARY 19 AT 10:30 P.M. AND I

THINK IF THAT'S NOT A SCREEN

GRAB FOR SOMEBODY FOR

VALENTINE'S DAY, RICKY GERVAIS

HUMP AGO

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