Patton Oswalt

  • Aired:  01/06/11
  •  | Views: 91,000

Patton Oswalt's prisoner ghostwriter, Gas Thumb, finished "Zombie Spaceship Wasteland" ahead of deadline in solitary. (5:42)

[CHEERS AND APPLAUSE]

>> Jon: WELCOME BACK.

MY GUEST TONIGHT A VERY, VERY

FUNNY AND TALENTED COMEDIAN.

HIS NEW BOOK IS CALLED ZOMBIE

SPACESHIP WASTELAND.

PLEASE WELCOME TO THE PROGRAM

PATTON OSWALT.

[CHEERS AND APPLAUSE]

MY MAN!

♪ IS NOT♪

[CHEERS AND APPLAUSE]

♪ ♪

[CHEERS AND APPLAUSE]

>> Jon: WELCOME FELLOW

TRIBESMAN.

>> MAY I?

>> Jon: PLEASE.

>> I HAVE WEAK THIGHS.

I HAD TO EITHER DROP.

I COULDN'T DO A WHOLE BIT.

MY KNEES WOULD HAVE EXPLODED.

NOT IN GOOD SHAPE, JON.

>> Jon: ACE BANDAGE THAT.

SUIT UP, BOY.

I WANT TO SHOW THIS BOOK.

I WANT TO SHOW MAYBE MY FAVORITE

AWJER PICTURE IN THE HISTORY OF

AUTHOR PICTURES.

CAN YOU GET IN ON THAT?

>> YEAH.

[LAUGHTER]

BOLDLY FACING THE FUTURE.

[LAUGHTER]

I'M LITERALLY -- THAT'S IN A

CLUB IN NASHVILLE.

I'M LITERALLY HIDING BEHIND THE

SOFT DRINK CONTAINERS IN THE

BACK IN A HALLWAY IN THE BACK

CLUTCHING A NOTEBOOK TO MY

CHEST.

>> Jon: IT'S SO RECOMMEND

NECESSARY -- REMINISCENT.

WE CAME UP WORKING THE COMEDY

CLUBS AND I LOOK AT THAT PICTURE

AND THINK WOW, THEY HAD A NICE

GREENROOM.

NORMALLY IT'S LIKE YOU CAN SIT

HERE DURING THE SHOW BY THE FIRE

EXTINGUISHER.

>> YOU ARE SITTING WHERE THEY

ARE PILING THE EMPTY MOZZARELLA

STICKS BASKETS.

DON'T KNOCK THESE OVER.

DON'T DO THIS WITH YOUR ARMS.

HEAD DUN.

WE'LL LET YOU KNOW WHEN YOU ARE

ON.

>> Jon: AT THE END OF THE

NIGHT THEY ARE LOOK WE DON'T PAY

IN CASH BUT WOULD YOU LIKE SOME

MOZZARELLA STICKS.

>> MOZZARELLA STICKS FOR THE

ROAD, PLEASE.

>> Jon: WHY WRITE -- THIS IS

THE FIRST BOOK FROM PATTON

OSWALT.

I EXPECT MANY MORE.

A FERTILE MIND YOU HAVE I

SOMEHOW SAY AS YODA.

FERTILE MIND YOU HAVE.

>> HMMMM.

YEAH, THIS WAS THE FIRST.

WRITING A BOOK WAS -- I DIDN'T

KNOW IT WAS GOING TO BE THAT

MUCH FUN.

YOU GO TO -- YOU PITCH TO

PUBLISHERS AND I WENT WITH

SCRIPTNER.

GREAT.

>> Jon: YOU CAN'T --

>> THE MUFFIN BASKET ALONE.

THAT'S HOW THEY KEEP STEPHEN

KING.

>> Jon: IT'S PAPER AND WORDS.

WE'RE GOING TO MAKE OURS SMELL

LIKE STRAWBERRIES.

ALL RIGHT, WHATEVER.

>> THEY LOVED THE PITCH.

WE MET AROUND AND WE WENT TO

CORK RAN AND PELICAN BAY WHERE

THEY HAVE THEIR GUYS.

I MET WITH A YOUNG ARSONIST NAME

DBAFTON AND I LIKED HIMEL.

I DECIDED THAT'S THE GUY I WANT

TO DO THIS.

I PITCHED THE OUTLINE TO HIM YOU

KNOW MOST OF THE MAJOR

PUBLISHERS IT'S PRISON LABOR

>> Jon: I DIDN'T KNOW THAT.

>> THEY DO ALL PRISON LABOR.

[LAUGHTER]

HERE IS HOW NAIVE I WAS.

THIS IS EMBARRASSING BUT I WENT

IN GOING LET'S JUST GET TED.

THEY LOOKED AT ME LIKE, THIS GUY

IS SUCH A NEWBIE.

I WAS LIKE TED KACZYNSKI.

EVER SINCE HE WROTE EAT PRAY

LOVE NECESSARY DEMAND NOW.

>> Jon: YOU WANTED TO USE A

PRISONER GHOST WRITER.

>> THEY MAKE YOU.

YOU KNOW THAT EARTH, THE BOOK,

WAS WRITTEN BY A WHITE SUPREMIST

GANG.

THEY DO -- ALL THE WHITE POWER

GANGS DO THE HUMOR BOOKS AND THE

COOK BOOKS.

THAT'S ALL THEY DO.

THEY HAVE THAT MARKET CORNERS.

I WENT WITH DBAFTON AND HIS WAS

THE GREAT THING, TOO.

NORMALLY THE DUE DATE WAS A

YEAR.

HE STABBED A GUARD, WENT INTO

SOLITARY, FINISHED IT IN TWO

MONTHS.

I WAS SO EXCITED, YEAH.

>> Jon: SO INTERESTING.

TO GET A BOOK DONE ON DEADLINE

YOU HAVE TO PRODUCT YOUR CON--

PROD YOUR CONVICT INTO VIOLENCE.

>> ACTUALLY I HEARD THAT JOHN

HODGMAN, WHO HAS BEEN ON THE

SHOW.

>> Jon: HE HAS, A FREQUENT

GUEST, CONTRIBUTOR, A FINE MAN.

>> BOTH HIS BOOKS HE PICKED OUT

GUYS AND STARTED SPRAOEDING

RUMORS ON THE TEAR ABOUT THEM

AND THEY WOULD GO -- HE WOULD

ALSO -- I'VE HEARD -- THIS I

CAN'T CONFIRM THIS -- I HEARD

THAT HODGMAN FOR HIS SECOND BOOK

SMUGGLED A TOOTH BRUSH HANDLED

SHIV IN FOR A TKPWURD TO GIVE TO

A GUY.

THAT'S A LEVEL OF WRITING I'M

NOT AT YET SO --

>> Jon: THERE ARE -- I WAS

WITH YOU FOR A LONG TIME.

THERE RAY FEW PEOPLE IN THIS

WORLD LESS SUITED TO ENGAGE WITH

PRISONERS THAN JOHN HODGMAN.

>> OH, YEAH HE IS -- THAT GUY --

>> Jon: HE'S TRANSLUCENT.

>> IF YOU COULD WRAP

MARSHMALLOWS IN A PILLOW THAT IS

JOHN HODGMAN.

>> IF A HUG COULD WEAR A SUIT

JNCH AND JUST AS SWEET.

>> SWEET AND EASY TO HIDE SHIVS

IN APPARENTLY.

[LAUGHTER]

>> Jon: I SAW THAT ON HIS

RESUME UNDER TALENT.

>> ARCHIE -- ARCHERY, SHIV

HIDING.

>> Jon: THE BOOK IS GREAT.

I ENJOY YOUR STANDUP AND THE

BOOK IS GREAT.

CONTINUED SUCCESS.

COME BACK AND SEE US AND DON'T

BRING

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