Will Ferrell

  • Aired:  05/10/11
  •  | Views: 106,849

Will Ferrell simulates sex with a baseball bat that he just happened to bring with him. (5:59)

(CHEERS AND APPLAUSE).

>> Jon: WELCOME BACK WITH MY

GUEST TONIGHT, VERY FUNNY GUY,

WE FOUND HIM ON THE INTERNET AND

HE JUST SEEMS TERRIFIC.

HE'S GOT A NEW MOVIE OUT CALLED

"EVERYTHING MUST GO."

>> HAY, BRO, I'LL GIVE YOU TEN

BUCKS FOR THAT RIGHT THERE.

>> AREN'T YOU YOUNG TO BE

DRINKING BEERS.

>> AREN'T YOU A LITTLE OLD TO BE

DRIPPING THAT SLIPPERY THERE,

GRAY BALL?

>> IS THAT WHAT THEY TEACH YOU

IN SCHOOL YOU LITTLE (BLEEP)?

>> WHAT?

(HORN HONKING)

(LAUGHTER).

>> Jon: WELCOME BACK TO THE

SHOW WILL FERRELL.

(CHEERS AND APPLAUSE).

(CHEERS AND APPLAUSE)

>> I PLAYED A LOT OF BALL IN MY

TIME.

(LAUGHTER)

>> Jon: YOU KNOW WHAT THIS

REMINDS ME OF?

THIS STORY MAY BE APOCRYPHAL.

>> RIGHT.

>> Jon: BUT THEY SAY THAT BABE

RUTH ONCE...

>> RIGHT.

>> Jon: CALLED A SHOT.

>> NEVER HEARD OF HIM.

(LAUGHTER).

>> Jon: HE TOOK THE BAT AND HE

SAID "I'M GOING TO (BLEEP) THAT

GUY."

>> THAT'S RIGHT.

(LAUGHTER)

AND HE DID THAT AND POINTED TO

THE STANDS.

>> TO THAT THICK CHILD.

(LAUGHTER)

IN THAT HOSPITAL ROOM.

(LAUGHTER)

IN CHICAGO OR WHEREVER YOU ARE.

>> Jon: (LAUGHS).

>> I'M GOING TO (BLEEP) THAT

GUY.

(LAUGHTER)

YES.

>> Jon: TODAY... TODAY...

TODAY.

>> ...TODAY... TODAY.

>> Jon:

>> I'M THE LUCKIEST MAN.

>> Jon: LUCKIEST MAN.

I'M GOING TO (BLEEP) THAT GUY...

GUY... GUY...

>> I DO NOT BET ON BASEBALL.

>> Jon: NO.

>> BUT...

(LAUGHTER).

>> Jon: THIS IS TRUE.

WILL DID NOT KNOW WE WERE DOING

THAT BIT TONIGHT AND JUST

HAPPENED TO BRING THE BAT.

>> JUST HAPPENED TO BRING THE

BAT.

(LAUGHTER).

>> Jon: BECAUSE YOU NEVER KNOW

WHEN YOU'RE WALKING THROUGH THE

STREETS OF NEW YORK CITY.

WHERE DID YOU GET THAT?

HOW DID YOU GO... N A

THREE-MINUTE SPAN?

>> I ASKED YOUR OUTSTANDING

STAFF GOD IT WOULD BE GREAT IF I

COULD JUST WALK OUT WITH A BAT.

BOOM!

(LAUGHTER)

WHERE'S THE BAT?

WHERE'S THE BAT?

WELL YOU HAVE,...

>> Jon: YOU HAVE SUFFICIENTLY

RUINED THAT FOR OUR INTRAMURAL

SOFTBALL GAME.

(LAUGHTER).

>> ANYONE GOING UP TO THE PLATE

HAS TO GO THROUGH THAT MOTION

NOW.

THAT WOULD BE THE ONLY WAY.

>> Jon: WOULDN'T THAT MAKE

GAMES SO MUCH MORE INTERESTING.

>> AND THAT WILL DRIVE THE OTHER

TEAM CRAZY!

EITHER SEXUALLY OR IT WILL JUST

MESS THEM UP IN SUCH A WAY

THAT...

>> Jon: JUST IN BETWEEN

PITCHES TO JUST STEP OUT AND

STARE AT THE PITCHER AND JUST GO

"OH, YEAH."

(LAUGHTER)

>> NOT GUN THAT HAPPEN TODAY,

GUYS.

CAN YOU THINK OF ANYTHING MORE

INTIMIDATING?

>> Jon: PROBABLY.

BUT... THE ONLY THING I CAN

THINK OF THAT'S MORE

INTIMIDATING IS IF YOU STEP OUT

OF THE BATTER'S BOX.

>> RIGHT.

>> TAKE THE BAT, PUT IN THE YOUR

HANDS AND DO THAT THE WHOLE TIME

TWO CREEPY LITTLE GIRLS JUST

STARING RIGHT THERE

(LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE)

YOU KNOW?

LIKE THE KIDS IN "THE SHINING."

>> Jon: THEY DON'T LOOK

FORWARD.

THEY JUST LOOK AT YOU.

(LAUGHTER)

>> Jon: CHUCK, I DON'T KNOW IF

YOU HAVE THIS LINED UP.

THE BEST PART ABOUT THAT WHOLE

THING...

>> THEY DON'T BLINK.

>> Jon: THEY'VE CLEARLY BEEN

COACHED BUT THE LITTLE GIRL JUST

TO THE... SHE'S ON THE LEFT OF

THE SCREEN.

WHEN GLORIA ALLRED DOES HER, YOU

KNOW, "TOOK THE BAT AND PUT IT

IN HIS... WORDS FOR MAN'S

BOTTOM.

" LOOK AT THIS.

BUT THE LITTLE GIRL GIGGLES.

THE LITTLE GIRL WHEN THEY DO IT

EARLIER ON, THE LITTLE GIRL

COULDN'T HELP AS SHE'S LOOKING

AT IT WHEN GLORIA ALLRED SAYS

"IN THE BUTT" DID ONE OF THESE.

(LAUGHTER)

LIKE, I KNOW I'M SUPPOSED TO BE

HERE TO BE COOL BUT THAT'S

HILARIOUS.

(LAUGHTER)

>> I DIDN'T KNOW SHE WAS GONNA

SAY THAT.

YEAH, YEAH.

>> Jon: IN WHAT WORLD...

>> I DON'T KNOW.

>> Jon: AND IF SHE'S YOUR

LAWYER, IT WAS LIKE SOMETHING

OUT OF A "SIMPSONS."

LIKE LIONEL HUT.

>> THAT'S A FANTASTIC PIECE OF

FOOTAGE.

>> Jon: ISN'T IT NICE?

>> BUT SHE'S THE BEST, ALLRED.

>> Jon: WE NEED TO PUT THAT TO

SOME BASE MUSIC.

LIKE SOME (HUMMING PORN MUSIC)

(LAUGHTER)

SO YOU'RE IN A NEW MOVIE ABOUT A

BASEBALL PLAYER WHO WHO GETS...

(LAUGHTER).

WHO... GOES OFF ON SOME FANS?

>> ON SOME FANS.

>> Jon: WE DON'T HAVE MUCH

TIME, "PIRATES OF THE CARIBBEAN

THREE..."

>> MEETS THOR IN A BACK ALLEY

AND THINGS GET HARD.

(LAUGHTER)

THEY GET IT ON!

IT GOES OFF!

>> Jon: IT GOES OFF.

"EVERYTHING MUST GO" IS WHAT

IT'S CALLED.

>> IT'S A REAL MOVIE, BY THE

WAY.

>> Jon: I APOLOGIZE.

IT IS A REAL MOVIE AND HE'S

GREAT IN IT AND IT'S REALLY

CLEVER AND SMART AND GREAT AND

THE WHOLE BAT (BLEEP) THING

DOESN'T DO IT JUSTICE.

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