Democalypse 2012 - Pander Express Edition

  • Aired:  06/19/12
  •  | Views: 33,939

Barack Obama must appeal to a diverse, endlessly fractured coalition of competing interests, while Mitt Romney must bring together what appears to be 50 shades of white. (4:25)

COMEDY CENTRAL

>> Jon: WELCOME TO "THE DAILY SHOW".

MY NAME IS JON STEWART.

GOOD NIGHT TONIGHT.

OUR GUEST TONIGHT SUPPOSED TO BE SENATOR MARCO RUBIO FROM FLORIDA.

UNFORTUNATELY HARRY REID SCHEDULED A LOT OF SENATE FLOOR VOTES FOR THIS EVENING.

SENATOR RUBIO UNABLE TO GET AWAY.

WHICH LEADS ME TO SATE -- SAY THE THING I SAY ALMOST EVERY DAY, YOU (bleep)ED ME AGAIN,

HARRY REID.

YOU (bleep)ED ME AGAIN.

[ LAUGHTER ]

THE SENATOR WILL BE HERE NEXT WEEK.

IN HIS POLICE WE GOT VERY LUCKY DENISLEARY.

GRACIOUSLY STEPPED IN HIS LACE.

A YOUNG -- DLENIS LEARY.

BOTH CANDIDATES FACE THE TASK OF SOLIDIFYING THE ENTHUSIASM OF THEIR BASE WHILE REACHING OUT TO

THE UNDECIDED TO COVER ALL OF TONIGHT'S DEMOCALYPSE2012 PANDA EXPRESS EDITION SPONSOR BY PANDA EXPRESS.

WHEN YOU NEED PANDA MEAT AND YOU NEED IT FAST.

[ LAUGHTER ]

THE FIRST RULE --

[ LAUGHTER ]

-- I MIGHT HAVE GOTTEN THEIR SLOGAN WRONG.

[ LAUGHTER ]

THE FIRST RULE OF ELECTION YEAR SEDUCTION IS KNOWING YOUR AUDIENCE.

BOTH GAVE SPEECHES THAT OFFERED DEMOGRAPHIC SNAPSHOTS OF THEIR CAMPAIGNS.

BARACK OBAMA MUST APPEAL TO A DIVERSE ENDLESSLY FRACTURED COALITION OF COMPETING INTEREST

WHILE ROMNEY HAS TO BRING TOGETHER WHAT APPEARS TO BE 50 SHADES OF WHITE.

[ LAUGHTER ]

SO THE DIFFERENT MAKEUP OF THIS STITTENCECIES DETERMINED THE STRATEGY.

THE DEMOCRATS TORQUE WIN, MUST GO LORD OF RINGS STYLE.

BRING TOGETHER ALL THE ARMIES OF MIDDLE EARTH.

[ LAUGHTER ]

TO FIGHT WHAT THEY BELIEVE IS THE EVIL EYE OF MORMON.

[ LAUGHTER ]

THEY'VE GOT TO BRING TOGETHER THE GAYS, THE ENVIRONMENTISTS,.

[ LAUGHTER ]

-- HIRED UNION LABOR --

[ LAUGHTER ]

-- AND OF COURSE, SHORT, OFTEN BEARDED PEOPLE KNOWN FOR HOARDING GOLD, I DON'T KNOW

WHICH GROUP WITHIN THE DEMOCRATIC STITTENCECY THAT THEY WOULD -- CONSTITUENCY THEY WOULD REPRESENT.

[ LAUGHTER ]

MEANWHILE, ROMNEY MUST HELP HIS MORE HOMOGENUOS CONSTITUENCY.

LET'S REPRESENT HIS STRATEGY WITH -- I DON'T KNOW -- THE ALAMO.

A LAST DITCH EFFORT BY WHITE AMERICANS TO KEEP MEXICANS OUT OF THEIR BASEMENTS.

[ LAUGHTER ]

NOT AN EXACT SCIENCE.

[ LAUGHTER ]

SO FAR OBAMA STRATEGY HAS BEEN TO ENTICE EACH GROUP WITH A DIFFERENT SPOISM HE HAS COME OUT

IN SUPPORT OF GAY MARRIAGE.

HE HAS --

[ LAUGHTER ]

-- SPOKEN ABOUT MAKING COLLEGE MORE AFFORDABLE.

[ LAUGHTER ]

AND HE GAVE SHIMON PEREZ THE MEDDLE OF FREEDOM.

[ LAUGHTER ]

GOOD ONE.

IT REALLY ALEVES ONLY ONE GROUP UNSPOKEN FOR.

>> THIS MORNING SECRETARY NAPOLITANO ANNOUNCED NEW ACTS MY ADMINISTRATION WILL TAKE TO MEND

OUR IMMIGRATIONS -- NATION'S IMMIGRATION POLICY.

OVER THE NEXT FEW MONTHS ELIGIBLE INDIVIDUALS WHO NOT PRESENT A RISK TO NATIONAL

SECURITY OR PUBLIC SAFETY WOULD BE ABLE TO REQUEST TEMPORARY RELIEF FROM DEPORTATION

PROCEEDINGS AND APPLY FOR WORK AUTHORIZATION.

>> Jon: THOSE WHO ARE STILL A RISK WILL BE TARGETED BY FLYING ROBOT DRONES WITH HIGH-POWERED LASERS.

YOUR MOVE, DAVY CROCKETT, WHAT ARE YOU GOING TO DO?

>> RICK SCOTT SAID IT'S AIMED AT CLEARING REGULATION ROLLS OF NONCITIZENS.

>> Jon: SO THE TIME HONOR YOD

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