Middle Eastern Promises - Blue Bombs

  • Aired:  09/10/13
  •  | Views: 117,436

Secretary of State John Kerry stumbles onto a potential path to peace in Syria. (5:22)

>> Jon: BUT YOU KNOW, WEGOT INTO THIS PICKLE FROM

AN ILL-THOUGHT OUTHYPOTHETICAL STATEMENT, A

RED LINE, SO PERHAPS THE ONLYWAY OUT IS WITH AN EQUAL AND

OPPOSITE ILL-THOUGHT OUTHYPOTHETICAL STATEMENT,

ACCORDING TO NEWTON'S THEORY OFRELATIVE STUPIDITY.

BUT WHAT KIND OFAMAGOO-ESQUE ACCIDENTAL

GENIUS COULDBUMBLE [BLEEP] THEIR WAY INTO

DIPLOMATIC SUCCESS --HELLO, IT'S JOHN KERRY TO

THE RESCUE.

SECRETARY KERRY.

[APPLAUSE]>> Jon: IN THE MIDDLE.

IN THE MIDDLE OFPRESENTING KERRY'S

SLAM-DUNK CASE AS TO WHYWE ABSOLUTELY MUST ATTACK

SYRIA, HE INADVERTENTLYMAY HAVE FOUND AN

INTERNATIONALLY ACCEPTABLEPEACEFUL RESOLUTION.

>> IS THERE ANYTHING ATTHIS POINTS THAT HIS

GOVERNMENT COULD DO OROFFER THAT WOULD STOP AN

ATTACK?

>> SURE.

HE COULD TURN OVER EVERYSINGLE BIT OF HIS CHEMICAL

WEAPONS TO THEINTERNATIONAL COMMUNITY IN

THE NEXT WEEK.

TURN IT OVER, ALL OF IT.

WITHOUT DELAY.

AND ALLOW A FULL AND TOTALACCOUNTING FOR THAT.

BUT HE ISN'T ABOUT TO DOIT, IT CAN'T BE DONE,

OBVIOUSLY.

>> Jon: CAN'T BE DONE!

CAN'T!

IT'S NEVER GOING TOHAPPEN!

NO WAY.

CAN'T BE DONE!

AND JUST TO DRIVE THEPOINT HOME AS TO HOW

RIDICULOUS THISPOSSIBILITY WAS, THE STATE

DEPARTMENT QUICKLY CALLEDTHAT A RHETORICAL

ARGUMENT, AND NOT A REALPROPOSAL FROM KERRY.

THEY HAD TO MAKE ASEPARATE ANNOUNCEMENT TO

SAY, HEY, BY THE WAY, HEWAS JUST BEING

CONDESCENDING ANDSARCASTIC.

GUESS WHICH MIDDLE EASTERNDESPOT DOESN'T APPEAR

TO UNDERSTAND RHETORICALANSWERS.

>> SYRIA'S FOREIGN MINISTERSAYS THE COUNTRY,

QUOTE,"WELCOMES A PROPOSAL TOPUT ITS CHEMICAL WEAPONS

UNDER INTERNATIONALCONTROL."

>> Jon: MAGOO, YOU'VEDONE IT AGAIN.

>> EXCUSE ME, YOUNG MAN.

>> Jon: OH, (bleep).

SYRIA IS TAKING HIM UP ONHIS DICKISH OFFER.

SYRIA, THROUGH THE AUSPICESOF VLADIMIR PUTIN'S

RUSSIA, WOULD LIKE TO TAKETHE INTERNATIONAL

COMMUNITY'S AND SECRETARYKERRY'S OFFER TO TAKE

THEIR WEAPONS FOR THEM.

NO WAR, NO COST, NO BLOWBACK.

HOW COULD ANY PATRIOT VIEWTHIS BUT ANYTHING BUT A

FANTASTIC DEVELOPMENT.

>> PRESIDENT OBAMA HASJUST LED US INTO A

HUMILIATING DEFEAT.

>> Jon: WHO DO WE LOSETO?

SANITY?

YOU BEAT US THIS TIME,RATIONAL FORETHOUGHT, BUT

WE'LL GET YOU.

WHO CARES HOW WE AVOIDED AWAR AND GOT A DICTATOR TO

GIVE UP HIS CHEMICALWEAPONS, IF WE AVOIDED A

WAR AND GOT A DICTATOR TOGIVE UP HIS CHEMICAL

WEAPONS.

>> THIS STRENGTHENS RUSSIAAND HUMILIATES THE UNITED

STATES. >> VLADIMIR PUTIN HASFILLED THE LEADERSHIP GAP.

>> I THINK LINDSAY GRAHAMIS ON THE TAPE SAYING THAT

THE RUSSIANS HAVE PLAYEDUS LIKE A FIDDLE.

>> THEY'RE THE NEW TOP OF THEWORLD AND WE'RE NOT.

IT IS DESPICABLE.

>> NOW, HAVE WE HANDED THEPOWER BACK OVER TO THE

SHIRTLESS, PUTIN.

>> Jon: TWO THINGS, ONE,WAS THAT GUY IN A COW

SUIT?

[LAUGHTER]>> Jon: I DON'T REALLY

UNDERSTAND FINANCIAL NEWS.

AND NUMBER TWO, OH, PUTINGETS THE CREDIT.

IF WE CAUGHT CHARLIE MANSONWHO GIVES A (bleep)

WHO GETS THE CREDIT. AND I GETTHAT FOX OPPOSES THE SYRIA PEACE

PLAN BECAUSE ITS MODUS OPERANDIIS TO FOMENT DISSENT IN THE FORM

OF A RELENTLESS AND IRRATIONALCONTRARIANISM TO BARACK

OBAMA AND ALL THINGS DEMOCRATICTO ADVANCE ITS ULTIMATE

OBJECTIVE OF CREATINGDELIBERATELY MISINFORMED BODY

POLITIC WHOSE ANGER, FEARMISTRUST AND DISCONTENT

IS THE MANNA ON WHICH ITSUSTAINS ITS PARASITIC

SUCCUBUS-LIKE EXISTENCE.

[LAUGHTER][CHEERING]

[APPLAUSE]>> Jon: I BLACKED OUT

FOR A SECOND.

WAS I SAYING SOMETHING?

BUT FOR SOME REASON, EVENCNN'S CHRIS CUOMO SEEMED

DISAPPOINTED WITH THE TURNOF EVENTS.

>> A RUSSIAN PROPOSAL TOHAVE SYRIA HAND OVER ITS

CHEMICAL WEAPONS COULDCHANGE WHAT THE PRESIDENT SAYS.

IT COULD CHANGE THEENTIRE DEBATE, BUT SHOULD IT?

>> Jon: SHOULD IT? ON ONE HAND,GEOPOLITICAL REALITY JUST

SHIFTED 100%.

BUT ON THE OTHER HAND, WEBUILT THIS GRAPHIC.

♪♪♪[LAUGHTER]

>> Jon: LOOK, ISN'T THATTHE PROBLEM NOW?

NEWS NETWORKS AREN'TINVESTED IN RIGHT OR

WRONG.

THEY'RE INVESTED INMOMENTUM.

YOU CAN TAKE US TO WAR ONFALSE INTELLIGENCE AND

PRETENSE, BUT GOD FORBIDYOU REV US UP FOR WAR AND

YOU DON'T DELIVER. THE ONE THINGIN THIS COUNTRY WE WON'T

TOLERATE IS A LITTLE WARFOREPLAY WITHOUT THE PAYOFF.

YOU CAN MAKE DISASTROUSFOREIGN POLICY DECISIONS,

BUT YOU WILL NOT GIVE THISCOUNTRY A CASE OF BLUE

BOMBS.

WE'LL BE RIGHT BACK.

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