Jon Stewart Press Conference - John Oliver Takes Over

  • Aired:  06/07/11
  •  | Views: 217,206

John Oliver promises to mock Anthony Weiner until his shame is a visible bulge straining against the fabric of his being. (2:49)

NO, NO!

I WILL TURN THE PROGRAM OVER NOW

TO SOMEONE WHOSE ACCENT MAKES

YOU BELIEVE YOU CAN TRUST HIM,

JOHN OLIVER.

JOHN?

(CHEERS AND APPLAUSE)

>> THANK YOU.

THANK YOU, JON.

(CHEERS AND APPLAUSE)

THANK YOU, JON, AND PLEASE,

PLEASE, BEFORE I CONTINUE, LET

ME ASSURE MY VIEWERS THAT FROM

NOW ON THERE WILL BE NO

PUSSSYING OUT.

NO OFFENSE.

I SOLEMNLY PROMISE TO RIP

ANTHONY WEINER A NEW ASS (BLEEP)

(BLEEP).

AN (BLEEP) THAT EVEN HE WOULD

NOT TEXT A PICTURE OF.

WHY?

BECAUSE IT WOULD BE SO BIG IT

WON'T FIT WITHIN TWITTER'S

140-CHARACTER LIMIT.

THAT SLEAZY McJEWFRO WILL GET

NO QUARTER FROM ME.

(LAUGHTER)

>> WE'RE... WE'RE TALKING ABOUT

THE CONGRESSMAN, RIGHT?

>> OH, YES, YES.

OKAY, NO PROBLEM, YEAH.

JON, I WILL HOUND HIM, I WILL

MOCK HIM UNTIL HIS SHAME IS

VISIBLE.

A BULGE STRAINING AGAINST A

FABRIC OF HIS BEING, BEGGING TO

BE RELEASED.

BUT THIS TIME, WEINER, THERE

WILL BE NO HAPPY ENDING.

(LAUGHTER)

AND AS FOR YOU, STEWART, AND

YOUR VIVIDLY, VIVIDLY INJURED

HAND, THAT'S A GENUINE PROBLEM,

THAT'S A GENUINE PROBLEM.

THAT'S...

(APPLAUSE).

(BLEEP).

>> Jon: YUP.

WE BETTER HURRY UP AND (BLEEP)

BECAUSE I AM BLEEDING OUT MOTHER

(BLEEP).

(LAUGHTER).

>> JON, TALK TO THIS, HE CAN

SWAB HIMSELF DOWN.

YOU'RE FINE, YOU'RE FINE.

(LAUGHTER)

DON'T BE SO JEWISH ABOUT IT,

YOU'RE FINE.

(LAUGHTER)

YOU'RE FINE.

YOU'RE FINE.

YOU'RE ABSOLUTELY FINE.

IT'S A NICK.

(APPLAUSE)

>> Jon: I SHOULD BE CATHOLIC.

I SHOULD TURN IT INTO A DRINK?

(LAUGHTER)

>> IT WAS A LONG TIME AGO.

THE POINT IS, JOHN, I WOULD

RECOMMEND YOU TO GROW A PAIR,

TAKE A PICTURE OF THAT PAIR, AND

TEXT IT TO YOURSELF TO REMIND

YOURSELF WHAT BALLS LOOK LIKE.

(LAUGHTER)

BECAUSE YOU HAD A CHANCE TO DRY

YOUR EYES, TURN OFF YOUR SOUL,

AND GIVE THIS AUDIENCE THE

PREPUBESCENT (BLEEP) JOKES THEY

WAITED OUTSIDE IN 90-DEGREE

TEMPERATURES FOR AND YOU FAILED,

JON!

(CHEERS AND APPLAUSE)

WELL, NO MORE!

NO MORE, JON!

NO LONGER!

SCRUB YOURSELF DOWN!

CLEAR EYES, DEAD

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