Hagel with a Smear

  • Aired:  02/20/13
  •  | Views: 45,339

Senate thespian Lindsey "Beauregard" Graham foils Chuck Hagel's Secretary of Defense confirmation. (3:28)

>> Jon: WELCOME TO "THE DAILY SHOW."

[CHEERS AND APPLAUSE]

MY NAME IS JON STEWART.

MY GUEST TONIGHT AUTHOR HELAINE OLEN.

SHE'S GOING TO TALK ABOUT HER BOOK "POUND FOOLISH" ABOUT THE FINANCIAL INDUSTRY AND HOW IT'S

SERVING YOU PERFECTLY.

[LAUGHTER]

LET'S BEGIN WITH THE PRESIDENT.

AS YOU MAY KNOW BARACK OBAMA IS A STUDENT OF HISTORY.

HE LEARNED TWO THINGS IN PARTICULAR FROM THE GREATEST PRESIDENT IN HISTORY ABRAHAM LINCOLN.

ONE WHEN PUTTING TOGETHER A CABINET YOU NEED ASSEMBLE A TEAM OF RIVALS AND TWO, YOU CANNOT

KILL A VAMPIRE WITH AN AXE.

YOU NEED A BUILT-IN SHOTGUN IN THAT MOTHER HUMPER.

LINCOLN THE VAMPIRE.

[ LAUGHTER ]

[ LAUGHTER ]

DIDN'T TAKE OFF LIKE WE THOUGHT IT WOULD.

[ LAUGHTER ]

BUT TO THE FIRST POINT WHEN IT CAME TIME TO CHOOSE A SECRETARY OF DEFENSE BARACK OBAMA

DEMONSTRATED LINCOLN-ESQUE TEAM RIVALLING BY CHOOSING FORMER NEBRASKA SENATOR CHUCK HAAAG --

HAGGE -- HAGEL.

[ LAUGHTER ]

HE IS A REPUBLICAN.

A TWO TERM SENATOR, VIETNAM VET.

HE WAS A SIMPLE PROCESS AWAY FROM ACHIEVING THAT RELATIVELY ONLY MINOR AS SECRETARY OF

LINCOLN'S LEGACY BUT STILL IT WAS DOING THIS HAVING HAGEL OR DOING THAT AND YOU KNOW, NOBODY

WANTS TO SEE THAT.

>> THE ONE THING I'M NOT GOING TO DO IS VOTE ON A NEW SECRETARY OF DEFENSE UNTIL THE OLD

SECRETARY OF DEFENSE LEON PANETTA, WHO I LIKE VERY MUCH, TESTIFIES ABOUT WHAT HAPPENED IN BENGHAZI.

>> Jon: SO CLOSE TO GET HIM CONFIRMED FOILED BY SENATE THESPIAN LINDSEY GRAHAM.

REPRIZING HIS ROLE FROM TENNESSEE WILLIAMS GREAT WORK "A STREET CAR NAMED DESIRE" NOT TO

BE PRIMARY IDEA BY THE LOCAL TEA PARTY.

NO VOTE FOR HAGEL UNTIL PANETTA ANSWERS QUESTIONS ABOUT BENGHAZI.

[LAUGHTER]

WHAT HAPPENS WHEN TEN JEWS SIT IN A ROOM AND TRY TO COME UP WITH PUNS REALLY.

STARTS THAT WAY EVERY MORNING, ACTUALLY.

SO TWO WEEKS AGO LINDSEY RHETT GRAHAM HAD HIS RAISIN -- WHATEVER IT'S A PLAY.

>> DID THE PRESIDENT SHOW ANY CURIOSITY ABOUT HOW IS THIS GOING?

WHAT KIND OF ASSETS DO YOU HAVE HELPING THESE PEOPLE?

DID HE EVER MAKE THAT PHONECALL?

>> LOOK, THERE'S NO QUESTION IN MY MIND THE PRESIDENT OF THE UNITED STATES WAS CONCERNED

ABOUT AMERICAN LIVES.

>> WITH ALL DUE RESPECT I DON'T BELIEVE IT'S A CREDIBLE STATEMENT.

>> Jon: OH, WITH ALL DUE RESPECT, THE PRESIDENT DOES NOT CARE FOR HE IS A CAD AND A SCOUNDREL.

[ LAUGHTER ]

IT'S A PLAN AS THE ALABASTER TONE IN MY CREAMY SKIN AND AS SIMPLE AS MY MAID KICKED IN THE

HEAD BY A DONKEY.

THIS PRESIDENT LIES LIKE ALL THE OTHER MEN WHO WOO YOU WITH THEIR LIVES AND LEAVE BEHIND NOTHING

BUT BROKEN DREAMS AND A TORN COTTON NEGLIGEE YOU ORDERED SPECIAL FROM A YANKEE CATALOG.

[CHEERS AND APPLAUSE]

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