Democalypse 2012 - Every Which Way But Lucid

  • Aired:  09/25/12
  •  | Views: 350,087

Barack Obama is the luckiest dude on the planet because the guy he's running against appears to be getting dumber the closer it gets to the election. (7:40)

(AUDIENCE REACTS)

>> Jon: MOMENTS LIKE THESE IN AN ELECTION SEASON THAT YOU WOULD THINK WOULD BE CRUSHING OBAMA'S REELECTION CHANCES.

AND YET THEY ARE NOT.

WHY, YOU ASK?

(LAUGHTER) IT'S THE SUBJECT OF TONIGHT'S NEWS SEGMENT "BARACK OBAMA'S THE LUCKIEST DUDE ON THE PLANET."

(LAUGHTER) IN AN ORDINARY ELECTION INVOLVING A STAGNANT ECONOMY, GLOBAL UNREST, AND THE TYPICAL INCUMBENT PRESIDENT WOULD BE AT

AN ENORMOUS DISADVANTAGE.

UNLESS--

>> DOES THE GOVERNMENT HAVE A RESPONSIBILITY TO PROVIDE HEALTH CARE TO THE 50 MILLION AMERICANS

WHO DON'T HAVE IT TODAY?

>> WELL, WE DO PROVIDE CARE FOR PEOPLE WHO DON'T HAVE INSURANCE.

WE PICK THEM UP IN AN AMBULANCE AND TAKE THEM TO THE HOSPITAL AND GIVE THEM CARE AND DIFFERENT STATES HAVE DIFFERENT WAYS OF

PROVIDING FOR THAT CARE.

(LAUGHTER)

>> Jon: UNLESS-- NORMALLY HE WOULD BE IN TROUBLE UNLESS THAT INCUMBENT PRESIDENT IS RUNNING AGAINST THE GUY WHO JUST

APPEARED TO SUGGEST THAT WE DON'T NEED TO DO A HEALTH CARE PLAN FOR UNINSURED AMERICANS BECAUSE WE HAVE EMERGENCY ROOMS!

(LAUGHTER) AND, LIKE, THEY'RE OPEN ALL NIGHT.

(LAUGHTER) THEY'RE, LIKE, 7-ELEVENS BUT-- (CHEERS AND APPLAUSE) NOW THAT-- WHAT HE JUST SAID IS AN AMAZING AND UNAPPEALING TO

-LSY STATEMENT WHICH ON ITS OWN WOULD PERHAPS LEVEL THE FIELD FOR THE INCUMBENT PRESIDENT BUT APPARENTLY LEVELING THE FIELD

ISN'T GOOD ENOUGH FOR MASSACHUSETTS MITT "UP UNTIL I WAS RUNNING FOR PRESIDENT IN THE REPUBLICAN PRIMARY I BELIEVED

FERVENTLY IN THE EXACT OPPOSITE OF WHAT I TOLD CBS' SKOEPT" ROMNEY, WHICH IS ALSO A TERRIBLE NICKNAME.

>> LOOK, IT DOESN'T MAKE SENSE FOR US TO HAVE MILLIONS AND MILLIONS OF PEOPLE HAVE NO HEALTH INSURANCE AND YET WHO CAN

GO TO THE EMERGENCY ROOM AND GET ENTIRELY FREE CARE FOR WHICH THEY HAVE NO RESPONSIBILITY.

WHEN THEY SHOW UP AT THE HOSPITAL, THEY GET CARE, THEY GET FREE CARE PAID FOR BY YOU AND ME.

IF THAT'S NOT A FORM OF SOCIALISM, I DON'T KNOW WHAT IS.

(LAUGHTER)

>> Jon: THE UNINSURED BEING CARED FOR IN EMERGENCY ROOMS IS IRRESPONSIBLE AND SOCIALIST AND I AM TOTALLY COOL THAT.

(LAUGHTER) THAT'S HOW YOUR STATE WANTS TO DEAL WITH IT.

YOU SEE, WHATEVER HIS MISSTEPS ARE AS A CANDIDATE BARACK OBAMA IS SURGING IN THE POLLS BECAUSE THE CLOSER WE GET TO THE

ELECTION IT IS DUMBER MITT ROMNEY APPEARS TO BE GETTING.

(CHEERS AND APPLAUSE) HERE HE IS TOUTING HIS ECONOMIC PLAN-- SETTLE DOWN.

REALLY?

IS THAT HOW YOU WANT TO WIN THIS THING?

(LAUGHTER) THE OTHER GUY JUST TEARS HIS A.C.L., IS THAT HOW YOU WANT TO WIN?

(LAUGHTER) HERE'S ROMNEY TOUTING HIS ECONOMIC PLAN AT THE START OF THIS CAMPAIGN LAST YEAR.

>> MY ECONOMIC PLAN LAYS OUT HOW I WILL ULTIMATELY GET GOVERNMENT TO SHRINK, GROW OUR ECONOMY,

BALANCE OUR BUDGET SO THAT INVESTORS IN NEW JOBS AND ENTERPRISES WILL HAVE CONFIDENCE IN AMERICA.

IT'S ABOUT 150 PAGES WITH 59 DIFFERENT POLICY IDEAS.

>> Jon: 59 POLICY IDEAS!

150 PAGES!

11 HERBS AND SPICES!

99 BOTTLES OF BEER ON THE WALL!

NOW HERE HE IS TOUTING HIS ECONOMIC PLAN JUST EIGHT MONTHS LATER.

>> IF WE WIN ON NOVEMBER 6, IT WILL BE A GREAT DEAL OF OPTIMISM ABOUT THE FUTURE OF THIS COUNTRY.

WE'LL SEE CAPITAL COME BACK AND WE'LL SEE-- WITHOUT ACTUALLY DOING ANYTHING, WE'LL ACTUALLY GET A BOOST TO THE ECONOMY.

(AUDIENCE REACTS) THIS IS THE BUSINESSMAN CANDIDATE!

HE'S GONE FROM HAVING A 59 POINT ECONOMIC PLAN TO MAGIC.

(LAUGHTER) DON'T WORRY, ALL THIS COUNTRY NEEDS IS A LITTLE SHOT OF VITAMIN MITT.

(APPLAUSE) IT'S LIKE HE READ "THE SECRET." (LAUGHTER) I DON'T NEED A PLAN, LET'S JUST PUT POSITIVE VIBES DOWN THE UNIVERSE.

(LAUGHTER) I SWEAR TO GOD, WHAT IS HAPPENING TO ROMNEY?

IT'S LIKE HE'S CHARLIE FROM "FLOWERS FOR ALGERNON." (LAUGHTER) AND THE SERUM IS WEARING OFF.

YES, READ A (BLEEP)ING BOOK!

(LAUGHTER) (APPLAUSE) REALLY.

YOU ALMOST-- YOU ALMOST HEARD THE DISAPPOINTMENT IN THE AUDIENCE THERE.

THEY JUST GO "OH, I'M GOING TO HAVE TO LOOK THAT UP.

OH!" (LAUGHTER) HERE'S ROMNEY MAKING A DEFENSE OF HIS LOW PERSONAL TAX RATE TWO MONTHS AGO.

>> MY VIEW IS I HAVE PAID ALL THE TAXES REQUIRED BY LAW.

I DON'T PAY MORE THAN ARE LEGALLY DUE.

AND, FRANKLY, IF I HAD PAID MORE THAN ARE LEGALLY DUE I DON'T THINK I'D BE QUALIFIED TO BECOME PRESIDENT.

>> Jon: I MEAN, HECK, IF I OVERPAID MY TAXES WHO KNOWS WHAT ELSE I'D OVERDO.

INSTEAD OF PARDONING ONE TURKEY, I MAY PARDON ALL THE TURKEYS.

(LAUGHTER) SO ANYHOW, PAYING MORE THAN THE LEGALLY REQUIRED AMOUNT OF TAXES WOULD DISQUALIFY ONE FROM THE PRESIDENCY.

THAT WAS TWO MONTHS AGO.

FLASH TO THIS WEEKEND.

>> ACCORDING TO THAT 2011 RETURN, ROMNEY DONATED $4 MILLION TO CHARITY BUT ONLY CLAIMED A DEDUCTION OF $2.25 MILLION.

HE REDUCED HIS DEDUCTION AND IN ESSENCE PAID MORE IN TAXES, THE CAMPAIGN SAID, TO CONFORM TO HIS EARLIER ESTIMATE THAT HE PAID A

13% RATE IN 2011.

>> Jon: OH, CHARLIE-- (LAUGHTER).

OH, CHARLIE.

OH, CHARLIE, YOU'RE FADING ON US, CHARLIE!

FIRST WE LOST ALGERNON AND NOW YOU, CHARLIE?

(LAUGHTER) THE ELECTION'S AROUND THE CORNER AND YOU CAN NO LONGER COMPLETE A MAZE THAT JUST MONTHS EARLIER

YOU DESIGNED YOURSELF.

(LAUGHTER) AND WHATEVER'S HAPPENING TO MITT ROMNEY, IT IS HAPPENING FAST!

>> I KNOW THAT THERE ARE SOME PEOPLE WHO BELIEVE THAT IF YOU SIMPLY TAKE FROM SOME AND GIVE TO OTHERS WE'LL BE BETTER OFF.

IT'S KNOWN AS REDISTRIBUTION.

IT'S NEVER BEEN THE CHARACTERISTIC OF AMERICA.

A TAPE CAME OUT A COUPLE DAYS AGO WITH THE PRESIDENT SAYING YES, HE BELIEVES IN REDISTRIBUTION.

I DON'T!

>> Jon: OH, COME ON, CHARLIE.

(LAUGHTER) YOU CAN DO THIS, CHARLIE!

REMEMBER?

REDISTRIBUTION IS SOCIALISM, CHARLIE!

YOU'VE GOT TO REMEMBER!

IT'S ONLY BEEN FOUR DAYS, CHARLIE!

>> SO WHAT I DO IN MY MEDICARE PLAN FOR YOUNGER PEOPLE COMING ALONG IS SAY THIS "WE'RE GOING TO HAVE HIGHER BENEFITS FOR

LOW-INCOME PEOPLE AND LOWER BENEFITS FOR HIGH-INCOME PEOPLE."

>> Jon: THAT'S (BLEEP)ING REDISTRIBUTION!

(CHEERS AND APPLAUSE) THAT'S WHAT YOU JUST SAID!

IT'S WHAT YOU JUST-- DON'T YOU UNDERSTAND THAT?

(CHEERS AND APPLAUSE) DON'T YOU GET THAT?

OH, RIGHT, YOU DON'T GET THAT.

(LAUGHTER) NOT ANYMORE.

(LAUGHTER) WE AIN'T TEACHING MITT ROMNEY, MITT ROMNEY'S TEACHING US.

(LAUGHTER) SO THAT'S WHY PRESIDENT OBAMA IS THE LUCKIEST DUDE ON THE PLANET.

ALTHOUGH YOU HAVE TO WONDER WATCHING ROMNEY HOW THE HELL DID THIS GUY EVEN GET THE NOMINATION?

>> IT'S THREE AGENCIES OF GOVERNMENT WHEN I GET THERE THAT ARE GONE.

>> WE WILL HAVE THE FIRST PERMANENT BASE ON THE MOON.

>> COMMERCE, EDUCATION, AND THE-- UM, WHAT'S THE THIRD ONE THERE?

>> HER LITTLE DAUGHTER TOOK THAT-- TOOK THAT VACCINE, THAT INJECTION, AND SHE SUFFERED FROM MENTAL RETARDATION.

>> COMMERCE, EDUCATION AND-- UM-- THE UM-- UM--

>> OKAY, LIBYA.

PRESIDENT OBAMA SUPPORTED-- THE UPRISING, CORRECT?

>> PRESIDENT OBAMA WANTS TO-- ONCE SAID HE WANTS EVERYBODY IN AMERICA TO GO TO COLLEGE.

WHAT A SNOB!

>> OOPS.

>> Jon: OH, RIGHT.

THAT CONCLUDES OUR SEGMENT "MITT ROMNEY IS THE S.E.C.-LUCKIEST DUDE ON THE PLANET."

Loading...