Endless Suffrage 2012 - The End of the Beginning's Middle

  • Aired:  04/25/12
  •  | Views: 54,647

Newt Gingrich plans to drop out, Mitt Romney reboots his campaign for the general election, and President Obama slow-jams the news on "Late Night With Jimmy Fallon." (4:40)

(CHEERS AND APPLAUSE)

>> Jon: WELCOME BACK TO THE SHOW.

I DON'T KNOW IF YOU NOTICED THIS, BY THE WAY, NEIL DEGRASSE TYSON WAS HOLDING A RUBIK'S CUBE.

I SWEAR TO YOU THAT THING WAS NOT SOLVED WHEN WE GAVE IT TO HIM MAYBE 25 SECONDS BEFORE HE

WALKED OUT HERE.

(LAUGHTER) HE'S E.T . I BELIEVE HE IS E.T .

I THINK HE DID ONE OF THESE.

"SOLVE IT." (LAUGHTER) LISTEN, HAVING SPENT THE FIRST ACT OF TONIGHT'S SHOW ON

ASTEROID MINING-- WHICH I DID-- WE TURN NOW RELUCTANTLY TO THE 2012 PRESIDENTIAL CAMPAIGN.

TODAY STUNNING NEW DEVELOPMENT.

>> THIS JUST INTO CNN.

WE HAVE CONFIRMED THAT NEWT GINGRICH WILL, INDEED, DROP OUT OF THE PRESIDENTIAL RACE NEXT WEEK.

(CHEERS AND APPLAUSE)

>> Jon: NO, NOT YAY.

NOT YAY.

(LAUGHTER) ANYWAY, HE ANNOUNCED HE WAS DROPPING OUT NEXT WEEK.

(LAUGHTER) THAT IS SO GINGRICH.

(LAUGHTER) "TODAY I AM CALLING OFF THIS GROTESQUE AND HOPELESS CHARADE

OF A CAMPAIGN SEVEN DAYS FROM NOW.

GINGRICH 2016!" GINGRICH'S NEWS CAME ON THE HEELS OF WILLINGTON MILLINGTON

ROM-NILLINGTON THE 23rd BIG NEWS SWEEPING PRIMARIES IN NEW YORK, DELAWARE, PENNSYLVANIA,

RHODE ISLAND AND CONNECTICUT,

IRONICALLY SEWING UP THE REPUBLICAN NOMINATION FOR PRESIDENT IF FIVE NON-REAL AMERICA STATES.

(LAUGHTER) NOW IN THE PRIMARY, ROMNEY RAN AS A SEVERE CONSERVATIVE.

THE GENERAL ELECTION LOOMING,

HOW WILL ROMNEY MAKE THE PIVOT TO MORE MODERATE VOTERS?

I DON'T KNOW HOW.

OH, MY GOD, HE'S GOING FOR THE FULL REBOOT!

(LAUGHTER) (APPLAUSE)

>> TONIGHT IS THE START OF A NEW CAMPAIGN.

>> Jon: YOU KNOW, THE OTHER WAY TO REBOOT ROMNEY IS YOU STICK AN UNBENT PAPER CLIP IN

HIS URETHRA.

(AUDIENCE REACTS) THAT IS AN APPROPRIATE REACTION,

BY THE WAY.

SIMULTANEOUSLY AS ONE THEY JUST WENT "OH!" (LAUGHTER)

"THAT WOULD HURT YOUR PEE PEE." WHAT WOULD MARK GENERAL ELECTION

ROMNEY'S APPEARANCE?

EASING OF HIS IMMIGRATION RHETT STPHREUBG SOFTENING ON TAXES?

>> TODAY THE HILL BEFORE US IS A LITTLE STEEP.

BUT WE'VE ALWAYS BEEN A NATION OF BIG STEPPERS.

IN THE AMERICA I SEE, CHARACTER AND CHOICES MATTER.

I SEE AN AMERICA WITH A GROWING MIDDLE-CLASS.

I SEE CHILDREN EVEN MORE SUCCESSFUL THAN THEIR PARENTS.

WE BELIEVE IN AMERICA.

WE BELIEVE IN OURSELVES.

OUR GREATEST DAYS ARE AHEAD.

WE ARE, AFTER ALL, AMERICANS!

>> Jon: OOH, A LITTLE LIGHT PRO-AMERICA FOREPLAY.

AMERICA'S GOOD AND A ROMNEY ADMINISTRATION WILL LIKE IT!

GETTING THERE.

MORE LIKE THE VERSION YOU'D HEAR OF REAGAN IN AN ELEVATOR, YOU KNOW WHAT I MEAN?

IF YOU'D HAVE GONE UP 11 FLOORS BEFORE YOU'RE LIKE "IS THAT

REAGAN IN THE BACKGROUND?" SO IF ROMNEY IS THIS ELECTION'S REAGAN, WHAT IS HIS OPPONENT

GOING FOR?

>> NOW IS NOT THE TIME TO MAKE SCHOOL MORE EXPENSIVE FOR OUR YOUNG PEOPLE.

(CHEERS AND APPLAUSE)

>> OH, YEAH.

(LAUGHTER) YOU SHOULD LISTEN TO THE PRESIDENT.

OR, AS I LIKE TO CALL HIM, THE PREEZY OF THE UNITED STEEZY.

>> Jon: WHAT THE... THE PRESIDENT SLOW JAMMING THE NEWS ON LATE NIGHT!

SO ROMNEY IS THIS YEAR'S REAGAN,

OBAMA IS THIS YEAR'S CLINTON.

(LAUGHTER) WAIT A MINUTE.

NORMALLY BRIAN WILLIAMS SLOW JAMS... ROMNEY'S RUNNING TO REPLACE OBAMA, OBAMA'S RUNNING

TO REPLACE BRIAN WILLIAMS!

AND BRIAN WILLIAMS WANTS MY JOB!

THIS HAS TO END!

SOMEBODY'S GOT TO BE AN ADULT AROUND HERE!

MR. PRESIDENT, YOU'RE THE PRESIDENT!

YOU DON'T HAVE TO DO THIS (BLEEP) ANYMORE!

(LAUGHTER) ALTHOUGH WE'D OBVIOUSLY LOVE TO HAVE YOU BACK.

(LAUGHTER) SO I GUESS THIS IS THE TWO CAMPAIGNS WE'RE LEFT WITH.

OBAMA/ROMNEY.

THERE WE GO.

IT'S GOING TO BE SLIM PICKS MATERIAL WISE.

>> RON PAUL HAS PROMISED TO KEEP GOING, AS I MENTIONED, UNTIL THE CONVENTION.

HE'S STILL RAISING THAT MONEY,

ADDING DEBT GATTS.

>> Jon: HELP US, RON PAUL.

YOU'RE OUR ONLY HOPE.

Loading...