Exclusive - Big Ratings in Giant China (Chinese translation)

  • Aired:  04/10/13
  •  | Views: 30,612

China! This segment is translated for your enjoyment! Hold a piece of cheese under your nose to experience it with genuine Westerner smell! (5:21)

>> Jon: WELCOME BACK.

FROM HERE IN THE UNITED STATES,

WE'RE HAVING RESERVATIONS ABOUT

NOT SELLING ARMS TO ROGUE

REGIMES.

AFTER ALL, WHAT IS THE WORST

THAT COULD HAPPEN?

>> THE WORLD WATCHES NORTH KOREA

YET AGAIN.

IT'S BELIEVED THEY ARE PREPARING

FOR THE TEST LAUNCH OF A MISSILE

AFTER WEEKS OF THREATS TOWARDS

THEIR NEIGHBORS.

>> THE MISSILE'S RANGE SUP TO

2400 -- UP TO 2400 MILES SO IT

COULD REACH AS FAR AS GUAM.

>> Jon: NOT GUAM THAT'S WHERE

THIS COUNTRY'S CHEWING GUAM

COMES FROM.

[ LAUGHTER ]

I MIGHT BE THINKING OF A

DIFFERENT PLACE.

[ LAUGHTER ]

BUBBALICIOUS LAND.

[ LAUGHTER ]

NORTH KOREA GENTLEMAN A FAIRLY

SMALL, SPARSELY POPULATED, NOT

OIL HAVING COUNTRY.

MANY STUDENTS OF INTERNATIONAL

RELATIONS MAY ASK THEMSELVES WHY

DO THEY GET AWAY WITH THIS

(bleep).

>> CHINA NORTH KOREA'S CLOSEST

ALLY.

>> THE CHINESE HAVE USED THEIR

VETO IN THE SCOWNS TOLL PROTECT

NORTH KOREA CHINA HAS SWORN TO

PROTECT THEM AGAINST UNPROVOKED

AGGRESSION.

>> Jon: CHINA!

NORTH KOREA HAS A BIG SHOT

FRIEND IN THE NEIGHBORHOOD.

IT'S LIKE THAT MOVIE MY BODY

GUARD.

NORTH KOREA IS THE BRATTY DUDE

GIVING THE FINGER TO THE WORLD

BUT THE HAND SOME AND MASCULINE

WORLD CAN'T DO ANYTHING ABOUT IT

BECAUSE OF NORTH KOREA'S

ENORMOUS PAL WHO, BESIDES BEING

A PHYSICAL SPECIAL MEN HOLDS

$1.2 TRILLION IN OUR DEBT.

THERE'S ONE PROBLEM.

>> THE TOUGH TALK BY THE CHINESE

GOVERNMENT IS ANY INDICATION

THEY ARE GETTING PRETTY MUCH FED

UP.

>> THEY ARE WILLING TO START

PUTTING PRESSURE ON NORTH KOREA.

>> Jon: OH, BOY MATT DILLON IS

GOING TO KICK NORTH KOREA'S ASS

NOW.

APPARENTLY THERE'S BAD BLOOD

BREWING BUT THE CRAZY THING FOR

US IS HOW WE HERE AT THE SHOW

FOUND OUT ABOUT IT.

YOU MAY HAVE SEEN LAST WEEK WE

MAY HAVE HAD A LITTLE GENTLE FUN

OF NORTH KOREA OF AMONG OTHER

THINGS THREATENING TO BOMB

AUSTIN, TEXAS.

LITTLE MISS UN-SHINE.

HE'S GOT LEGS.

THAT WENT BONIERS IN CHINA.

3 MILLION HITS IN THE CHINESE

WEB SITE.

IF YOU LOOK AT THE SUBTITLE THIS

MAN LACKS ENZYMES FOR LACTOSE

DIGESTION.

[ LAUGHTER ]

HASH TAG FOR REAL!

MORE TO THE POINT.

THREE MILLION PEOPLE AND MAINLY

IN THE MOST COVETED DEMOGRAPHIC

THERE, PEASANTS 18-34.

SERIOUSLY MAN, THREE MILLION

CHINESE PEOPLE THAT'S LIKE 80%

OF THEIR COUNTRY.

SORRY ON ONE STREET, REALLY, WOW

N A CITY I'VE NEVER HEARD OF.

OH, I'VE BEEN DOING THIS SHOW IN

THE WRONG COUNTRY.

LET'S REBOOT.

APRIL 10th, IN THE YEAR OF THE

SNAKE THE DALE DWAIL IMPERIALIST

PUPPETS.

WELCOME TO THE SHOW.

I AM CAPITALIST JON STEWART.

HOW ABOUT THIS AIR QUALITY, AM I

RIGHT?

BEIJING, SHANK HIGH, IT'S

TERRIBLE.

I'VE BEEN CONFUCIUS QUOTES THAT

WERE CLEARER.

LET ME INTRODUCE THE BAND LEADER

COMRADE ZHI PENG.

WHAT IS UP BROTHER.

WHO WAS YOUR WEEKEND ZHI?

[SPEAKING CHINESE]

[LAUGHTER]

♪ ♪

>> Jon: HA.

FANTASTIC.

BY THE WAY HAVE YOU SEEN THIS

NEW NORTH KOREAN LEADER KIM

JONG-UN.

HE IS SO SHORT HE IS NOT ALLOWED

TO RIDE OWN HIS OWN FERRIS

WHEEL.

SOAS SHORT HE CALLED PETER THE

HUGE GUY FROM GAME OF THRONES.

WHAT DO YOU CALL 100 TAIWANESE

IN A BATHTUB?

CHINESE BECAUSE TAIWAN DOESN'T

EXIST INDEPENDENTLY.

BOOM!

I DIDN'T KNOW THAT COULD DO

THAT.

NORTH KOREA, COME ON NORTH

KOREA, YOU HAVE TO FEEL BAD FOR

THE MASSES OVER.

THERE YOU KNOW WHAT NORTH NORTH

KOREANS CALL THE FORTUNES IN

FORTUNE COOKIES?

DELICIOUS FILLING.

[LAUGHTER]

THAT'S OUR SHOW.

JOIN US TOMORROW NIGHT OUR GUEST

THE DOLLY -- DOLLY PARTON.

HERE IT IS YOUR MOMENT --

♪ ♪

["DAILY SHOW" THEME SONG

PLAYING]

Loading...