Big Deady

  • Aired:  05/02/11
  •  | Views: 686,290

New Yorkers couldn't be more satisfied that a United States special ops raid killed Osama bin Laden in Abbottabad. (6:07)

>> Jon: WELCOME, WELCOME.

MY NAME IS JON STEWART.

WE HAVE A GOOD ONE FOR YOU

TONIGHT.

I APPLAUD YOU.

WE HAVE A GOOD SHOW FOR YOU

TONIGHT.

WE HAVE A REALLY GOOD SHOW FOR

YOU TONIGHT.

OUR GUEST TONIGHT PHILIP

K.HOWARD IS FILLING IN FOR

OUR... WE HAD AN ORIGINALLY

SCHEDULED GUEST OSAMA BIN

LADEN WHO IS...

( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE )

AT THE TIME WE THOUGHT IT WAS

A PRETTY SPECIAL BOOKING.

I KNEW HE WOULD PUSS OUT.

LET ME TELL YOU HOW I HEARD

THE NEWS OF OSAMA BIN LADEN'S

DEMISE.

I'M WATCHING CELEBRITY

APPRENTICE.

NOW I'M WATCHING IT.

I'M WATCHING IT TO SEE IF

OBAMA AND SETH MYERS' ABSOLUTE

SHELLACKING OF DONALD TRUMP AT

THE WHITE HOUSE

CORRESPONDENTS' DINNER ON

SATURDAY HAD LEFT A VISIBLE

MARK.

I'M WATCHING THIS APPRENTICE

EPISODE, EVEN THOUGH THE

EPISODE HAD BEEN TAPED PRIOR

TO THE CORRESPONDENTS' DINNER,

THE DEMOLITION OF TRUMP AT THE

CORRESPONDENTS' DINNER WAS SO

THOROUGH I THOUGHT IT MIGHT

ACTUALLY SUPERSEDE THE RULES

OF DIMENSIONAL TIME AND SPACE

AND LEAVE A MARK ON FUTURE

EPISODES OF THE APPRENTICE.

( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE )

WELL, ALL RIGHT.

SO ON THE APPRENTICE JUST WHEN

IT LOOKED LIKE THE SAD, DARK-

HAIRED LADY WAS ABOUT TO BE

RITUALLY SACRIFICED BY THE

LADY WHO USED TO RUIN THE VIEW

>> THIS IS AN NBC NEWS SPECIAL

REPORT.

>> GOOD EVENING FROM

WASHINGTON.

WE WILL HEAR FROM THE

PRESIDENT OF THE UNITED

STATES.

HE WILL ADDRESS THE COUNTRY.

>> Jon: BOOM!

THEY BREAK INTO CELEBRITY

APPRENTICE?

THIS IS LIKE 10:30 AT NIGHT.

OUT OF NOWHERE.

>> THE PRESIDENT HAS AN

ANNOUNCEMENT.

>> Jon: SO IMMEDIATELY YOU

START THINKING THERE'S ONLY

TWO THINGS THIS COULD PROBABLY

BE.

A, THE PRESIDENT IS

INTERRUPTING CELEBRITY

APPRENTICE TO DELIVER MORE

JOKES, THE ONES THAT HE HAD

NOT QUITE FINISHED, ABOUT

DONALD TRUMP.

HE JUST POPPED UP ON SUNDAY

AND WENT LIKE, "OH, (BEEP),

THAT WAS A GREAT ONE."

HE WAS GOING TO INTERRUPT THE

SHOW TO GET HIM SOME MORE.

OR, B, THE MORE LIKELY

SCENARIO, AS HOLLYWOOD HAS

TAUGHT US, WHEN A BLACK

PRESIDENT INTERRUPTS YOUR SHOW

A METEOR IS HEADED TOWARDS THE

EARTH.

SO I START FLIPPING AROUND.

I'M FLIPPING AROUND, RIGHT?

I'M FLIPPING AROUND.

IT'S CLEAR ALL THE NEWS PEOPLE

KNOW WHAT THIS IS BUT THEY

CAN'T SAY IT YET.

AND THIS GOES ON FOR LIKE A

HALF AN HOUR.

>> IT'S GOING TO BE THE

PRESIDENT ADDRESSING THE

NATION FROM THE EAST ROOM AT

THE WHITE HOUSE.

WE CAN ONLY SPECULATE ON WHAT

THAT MIGHT BE.

>> WHAT I'VE LEARNED FROM

GOVERNMENT OFFICIALS, THIS IS

THE RESULT OF AN INCIDENT THAT

THE UNITED STATES INITIATED.

>> WE THINK, WE THINK WHAT?

WHAT DO WE THINK?

>> A C.I.A. OPERATION... CAN I

SAY OVERSEAS?

>> YES, YES, YES.

>> I CAN SAY IT HAD SOMETHING

TO DO WITH SOMETHING OVERSEAS.

YES.

A BRAVE, SERIOUS C.I.A.

OPERATION OVERSEAS.

>> Jon: CAN I SAY THAT IT

INVOLVES A BEARDED DIALYSIS

PATIENT?

CAN I SAY IT'S MORE EXTREMIST

THAN A BREAD BOX?

NO?

FOR GOD'S SAKE, SEACREST

DOESN'T DRAW OUT AN

ELIMINATION THIS LONG.

I KNOW THE PRESIDENT WANTED TO

BREAK THE NEWS HIMSELF.

BUT AT LEAST COULDN'T THE NEWS

LET US KNOW THAT WE COULD ALL

RELAX.

ALL WE KNEW WAS THE PRESIDENT

WAS GOING TO TELL US SOMETHING

ABOUT NATIONAL SECURITY.

IT'S LIKE WHEN YOUR MOM LEAVES

YOU THAT SUPER EARLY MORNING

VOICE MAIL CONSISTING OF,

"IT'S YOUR MOTHER.

CALL ME."

AND THAT'S IT.

YOU DON'T KNOW, IS IT

MALIGNANT OR DID THE

NEIGHBOR'S KID GET INTO BROWN?

YOU DON'T HAVE TO SAY EXACTLY

WHAT IT IS.

BUT JUST GO AND, "BY THE WAY,

DON'T WORRY."

BUT THEN FINALLY AT 11:35 P.M.

EASTERN JUSTICE TIME, THE

PRESIDENT OF THE UNITED STATES

>> TONIGHT, I CAN REPORT TO

THE AMERICAN PEOPLE AND TO THE

WORLD THAT THE UNITED STATES

HAS CONDUCTED AN OPERATION

THAT KILLED OSAMA BIN LADEN.

( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE )

>> Jon: YOU KNOW WHAT?

GIVE HIM A LITTLE MUSICAL

THEATER THERE.

YEAH, THAT'S NICE.

I COULD DO THAT.

A LOT OF FANS HERE OF MY LESS

THAN IMPRESSIVE MOVIE CAREER.

WHY DON'T WE?

( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE )

THERE YOU GO.

ALL RIGHT.

HERE WE GO.

AS AN AMERICAN, AS A NEW

YORKER, YOU FELT LIKE THE NEWS

COULDN'T GET ANY BETTER AND

THEN IT DID.

>> TODAY AT MY DIRECTION, THE

UNITED STATES LAUNCHED A

TARGETED OPERATION AGAINST

THAT COMPOUND IN ABBOTTABAD

PAKISTAN.

>> Jon: WHAT?

NOT ONLY DO WE KILL BIN LADEN,

WE KILL HIM IN ABBOTTABAD.

IT SOUNDS LIKE THE NAME MOST

NEW YORKERS WOULD HAVE

INVENTED FOR THE FICTIONAL

PLACE THEY WOULD HAVE LOVED TO

KILL BIN LADEN.

ABBOTTABAD.

THERE'S NO QUESTION IN MY

MIND.

"HEY, I'LL TELL YOU WHAT I

WOULD DO.

YOU GIVE ME A GUN, YOU DROP ME

INTO (BEEP) ABBOTTABAD OR

WHATEVER THEY CALL THEIR

(BEEP) CITIES OVER THERE.

I'LL GIVE HIM A SHOT.

I'LL GO OVER THERE.

I'LL GO TO (BEEP) AABBOTTABAD

AND SHOOT HIM IN HIS

ABBOTTABAD."

I HAVE TO TELL YOU A UNITED

STATES RAID TO GET BIN LADEN

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