Indecision 2010 - Maybe We Can't - Election Results

  • Aired:  11/02/10
  •  | Views: 290,260

Aasif Mandvi reports on the Democrats' optimism, Olivia Munn praises Orange Americans, Jason Jones plays video games with Alvin Greene, and John Oliver becomes Rand Paul. (8:48)

( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ).

>> Jon: GOOD EVENING.

WELCOME TO INDECISION 2010, TEA

PARTY-GANZA.

WELCOME TO OUR LIVE ELECTION

NIGHT COVERAGE.

I'M JON STEWART.

AND WE ARE LIVE.

LY PROVE TO YOU THAT WE ARE

LIVE.

I'M HOLDING UP TODAY'S PAPER,

WHICH IS... THIS IS MONDAY'S

PAPER.

OKAY, WELL THAT PROVES TO YOU

THAT WE ARE LIVE BECAUSE

OBVIOUSLY IF WE WEREN'T, WE

WOULD HAVE EDITED OUT ME LOOKING

STUPID HOLDING UP YESTERDAY'S

PAPER.

( LAUGHTER )

DID WE EDIT THAT OUT?

WE ARE LIVE.

OKAY.

GREAT SHOW TONIGHT.

ESTEEMED HISTORIAN MICHAEL

BESCHLOSS WILL BE HERE, BUT

WE'RE GOING TO GET TO SOME

RESULTS.

THIS SIN CREDIBLE.

MANY RESULTS ARE IN.

THE G.O.P. HAS NOW PROJECTED TO

TAKE 692 SEATS FROM THE

DEMOCRATS OUT OF A POSSIBLE...

WELL, THERE WERE 100 UP FOR

GRABS, BUT SOMEHOW THEY HAVE

MANAGED... NO, ACTUALLY THEY'RE

PROTECTED TO TAKE 60 SEATS.

THE DEMOCRATS ARE PROJECTED TO

KEEP THE SENATE.

WE'LL GET TO SOME RESULTS HERE.

CONNECTICUT, WHICH AS YOU KNOW,

THE STATE THAT YOUR TRAIN GOES

THROUGH WHEN YOU'RE TRYING TO

REACH A REAL CITY...

( LAUGHTER )

DEMOCRAT RICHARD BLUMENTHAL HAS

DEFEATED REPUBLICAN LINDA

McMAHON.

OH, THAT'S JUST UNNECESSARY.

OBVIOUSLY THAT WAS A DIFFICULT

RACE.

SOUTH CAROLINA SENATOR... THIS

IS VERY INTERESTING.

OBVIOUSLY SOUTH CAROLINA THE

FOURTH BEST CAROLINA OUT OF

NORTH CAROLINA AND TWO THAT

DON'T EXIST.

AND THEN SOUTH CAROLINA.

JIM DeMINT HAS DEFEATED ALVIN

GREENE.

JIM DeMINT SO CONFIDENT, HE

DIDN'T EVEN SHOW UP TO HIS OWN

PICTURE ON THE HEAD SHOTMENT

THAT'S HOW CONFIDENT HE WAS IN

DEFEATING.

IN FLORIDA, MANY RESIDENTS, OF

COURSE, IN FLORIDA VOTED EARLY

AND OBVIOUSLY THEN WENT RIGHT TO

EAT DINNER.

( LAUGHTER )

MARCO RUBIO -- OH, THAT'S GOT TO

HURT.

MARCO RUBIO HAS DEFEATED CHARLIE

CRIST AND MEEK, KENDRICK MEEK,

THE DEMOCRAT THERE.

AND IN DELAWARE, OBVIOUSLY

EVERYBODY WAS LOOKING TOWARDS

THE DELAWARE RACE.

CHRIS COON, THE MARXIST AGAINST

CHRISTINE O'DONNELL, WHO IS NOT

A WITCH, BUT UNFORTUNATELY...

OH, SHE'S MELTING.

>> MELTING!

>> Jon: SHE'S NOT A WITCH, AND

YET WATER DID, IN FACT, MELT

HER.

AS ALWAYS, PREELECTION COVERAGE,

A LOT OF PREDICTING.

THIS YEAR'S PROGNOSTICATIONS

DEPENDED GREATLY DEPENDING ON

WHETHER THE PERSON PREDICTING IT

WAS A DEMOCRAT OR ANYBODY ELSE

IN THE WORLD OTHER THAN A

DEMOCRAT.

>> WE'LL MAINTAIN BOTH HOUSES.

>> THIS WILL BE A BLOODBATH FOR

THE DEMOCRATS.

>> ALL SIDES POINTING TO A

MID-TERM BLOODBATH.

>> WE'RE ON PACE TO MAINTAIN THE

MAJORITY.

>> IT'S GOING TO BE A BLOODBATH.

♪ I'M SINGING IN THE RAIN ♪♪

>> Jon: THE STREETS WILL RUN

RED WITH VICTORY.

ALL RIGHT.

SO NOW THE PROGNOSTICATING IS

OVER.

FOR RESULTS ANALYSIS WE GO TO

THE BEST F'ING NEWS TEAM ON THE

PLANET.

FIRST UP, ASSIF MANDVI AT

DEMOCRATIC NATIONAL

HEADQUARTERS.

ASSIF, SO NICE TO SEE YOU.

( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE )

I SEE THE MOVING TRUCK BEHIND

YOU.

DEMOCRATS TALK AN OPTIMISTIC

GAME.

EVEN THEY REALIZE THEY ARE

HEADED TOWARDS THE OVERLOOKED

HOTEL AND THE BLOODBATH.

THE PURGE HAS BEGUN.

>> ARE YOU KIDDING ME, JON,

DEMOCRATS HERE ARE DOUBLING

DOWN.

THEY ARE MOVING EQUIPMENT IN.

GIDDY IN ANTICIPATION OF WHAT

THEY BELIEVE WILL BE A LANDSLIDE

VICTORY.

>> Jon: THEY'RE DELUSIONAL.

THEY'RE BACKING UP THEIR HAPPY

WORDS WITH ACTION?

>> YOU HAVE NO IDEA.

TODAY NANCY PELOSI HAD HER RIGHT

HAND REMOVED AND REPLACED WITH A

GAVEL.

>> Jon: WOW.

>> MAHOGANY, NOT CHEAP.

>> Jon: NO, THANK YOU, ASSIF.

OLIVIA MUNN IS AT REPUBLICAN

NATIONAL HEADQUARTERS.

OBVIOUSLY THE MOOD THERE

JUBILATION.

>> JON, AN HISTORIC NIGHT.

>> Jon: WOW.

>> NOT ONLY THE TEA PARTY

ASCENDED, BUT WITH THIS

REPUBLICAN WAVE BREAKING, IT

LOOKS LIKE OHIO'S JOHN BOEHNER

WILL BE THE NEW SPEAKER OF THE

HOUSE.

IT IS THE HIGHEST ELECTED OFFICE

EVER TO BE REACHED BY AN ORANGE

AMERICAN.

( LAUGHTER )

NO, NO, I'M SORRY, I'M SORRY, AN

AMERICAN OF ORANGE DISSENT.

ONCE RIDICULED, ORANGE AMERICANS

HAVE BEEN RELEGATED TO MENIAL

JOBS SUCH AS COLLEGE MASCOT OR

REALITY TELEVISION SIDE SHOW OR

TYPECAST AS THE GAY MUPPET.

JOHN, TONIGHT IS THEIR NIGHT.

BECAUSE OF JOHN BOEHNER,

SOMEWHERE OUT THERE A LITTLE BOY

OR GIRL WITH A TERRIBLE FAKE TAN

KNOWS THAT HE HAS A FUTURE.

>> Jon: THANK YOU, OLIVEA.

THAT'S VERY MOVING.

I APPRECIATE THAT.

JASON JONES... THAT'S VERY NICE,

OLIVEA.

JASON JONES IS IN SOUTH CAROLINA

WHERE ONE OF THE STRANGEST

SENATE CANDIDATES IN A LONG

TIME, DEMOCRAT ALVIN GREENE,

MADE HIS STAND.

JASON JOINS US NOW.

WHAT'S THE STORY THERE?

>> HERE AT GREENE CAMPAIGN

HEADQUARTERS/HIS DAD'S BASEMENT,

THE STORY IS I AM DESTROYING

ALVIN GREENE IN MADDEN.

AND I WOULD LIKE THE MAKE IT

CLEAR I LET HIM BEAT THE

STEELERS.

>> Jon: HOW IS ALVIN GREENE

TAKING THE LOSS IN THE SENATE

WHERE THEY'RE PROJECTING JIM

DeMINT 61% TO --

>> IF HIS GAME IS ANY

INDICATION, THE MAN IS USED TO

BEING SMOKED.

THAT'S RIGHT.

>> Jon: WHY WOULD HE HIGH-FIVE

YOU FOR BEATING HIM BADLY?

>> JON, BELIEVE IT OR NOT, HE'S

A BIT OF A WEIRD DUDE.

>> Jon: HAS GREENE MADE A

CONCESSION PHONE CALL AT ALL

YET?

>> NEW YORK HE'S OUT OF MINUTES.

( LAUGHTER )

>> Jon: HE'S OUT OF MINUTES?

CAN'T HE JUST USE THE HOUSE

PHONE.

>> HIS DAD'S NOT GOING TO LET

HIM USE THE HOUSE PHONE.

>> Jon: HOW IS ALVIN GREENE

GOING TO CONTACT JIM DeMINT TO

CONCEDE?

>> IS DeMINT ON XBOX LIVE?

>> Jon:, NO I DON'T THINK SO.

>> THEN ALVIN PROBABLY WON'T

CONCEDE.

HEY, G... THAT'S THE SOUND OF

HOT POCKETS.

I GOTTA GO.

>> Jon: ALL RIGHT.

THIS ELECTION MORE THAN ANY IN

RECENT MEMORY HAS A LOT OF

MOVING PARTS.

I'M REFERRING TO THE CABLE

NETWORKS AND THEIR INFATUATION

WITH NEW TECHNOLOGY.

CNN ALWAYS LEADS THE WAY WITH

ITS RAILWAY TIMETABLE OF

ELECTIONS AND ITS TETRIS NEWS,

TAKING ELECTION TO THE POINTLESS

THREE DIMENSIONAL RENDERING.

>> WHAT YOU'LL SEE NANCY PELOSI

DOING, WHEN REPUBLICANS LOOK

LIKE THEY'RE ABOUT TO TAKE

CONTROL, SHE'LL MAKE IT

DISAPPEAR.

I'M TEASINGS.

( LAUGHTER )

>> Jon: FANCY.

UNUSEFUL, BUT FANCY.

I DON'T THINK ANY NETWORK WILL

BE ABLE TO TOP THAT.

>> THE BATTLE FOR THE HOUSE AND

THE SENATE, TAKE A LOOK AT OUR

VIRTUAL CAPITOL HERE.

>> WELL DONE, CNN.

A MUCH LARGER THREE DIMENSIONAL

RENDERING OF THE CAPITOL

BUILDING.

WHAT WILL THEY THINK OF NEXT,

OH, WAIT, I'VE GOT IT, A LARGER

ONE.

OF COURSE, HERE AT "THE DAILY

SHOW," WE HAVE OUR OWN ELECTION

CENTER MANNED BY JOHN OLIVER.

WHAT'S HAPPENING IN OUR ELECTION

CENTER?

>> I'LL SHOW WHAT'S HAPPENING.

HAVE TASTE OF MY HALLOW SUIT

BECAUSE I AM THE CAPITOL DOME,

JOHN.

OH, SURE, THEY'LL GIVE RESULT,

BUT I WILL BE RESULT, JOHN.

WHAT DO YOU WANT TO KNOW?

KENTUCKY SENATE?

NO PROBLEM, INITIATES RESULTS

SEQUENCE.

RAPID PAUL VERSUS JACK CONWAY.

I'M RAND PAUL.

LOOK AT ME.

I'M THE NEW SENATOR FROM

KENTUCKY.

LET'S HAVE A MINT JULEP AND RIDE

SOME HORSES BECAUSE I'M RAND

PAUL, NEW SENATOR FROM KENTUCKY.

PRETTY HAIRY, HUH?

HOW ABOUT THAT.

PRETTY GOOD.

PRETTY GOOD.

( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE )

>> Jon: EXACTLY.

>> VERY GOOD.

>> Jon: HOW MUCH DID WE SPEND

ON THIS?

>> ENOUGH THAT WE ABSOLUTELY HAD

TO UNITES

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