Bezos and Masthead - John Hodgman

  • Aired:  08/14/13
  •  | Views: 23,543

Deranged millionaire John Hodgman announces the acquisition of his own D.C. newspaper, The Washington Postier Coupon Clipper Penny Saver. (5:26)

NEWSPAPERS THAN PEOPLE BUYING

NEWSPAPERS.

FOR MORE ON THIS WE TURN TO OUR

DERANGED MILLIONAIRE JOHN

HODGEMAN.

JOHN?

[ CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ]

JOHN, I HAVE A QUESTION.

WHY WOULD, JOHN, WHY WOULD JEFF

BEZOS WANT A NATIONAL NEWSPAPER?

IS HE BORED?

IS HE TRYING TO BUILD A LEGACY?

>> A LEGACY?

WHAT GREATER LEGACY COULD THERE

BE THAN CONVINCING AMERICANS TO

SUBSCRIBE TO TOILET PAPER?

NO, I'LL TELL YOU . JEFF BEZOS

BOUGHT THE "WASHINGTON POST."

IT'S BECAUSE HE'S A POOPY-HEAD.

WITH POOP IN HIS HEAD.

>> John: THAT SOUNDS PERSONAL

AND EXTREMELY JUVENILE.

>> I KNOW, JOHN, BUT JEFF BEZOS

HAS BEEN ONE-UPPING ME MY ENTIRE

CAREER.

I WAS JUST ABOUT TO ANNOUNCE THE

ACQUISITION OF MY OWN D.C.

NEWSPAPER.

>> John: WHICH ONE?

IT'S A MAJOR NEWSPAPER.

WHY?

>> John: THE WASHINGTON TIMES?

IT'S THE WASHINGTON COUPON

CLIPPER PENNY SAVER.

BUT SOON TO RELAUNCH AS THE

"WASHINGTON POSTIER" COUPON

SUPER PENNY SAVER.

I CAN'T LOSE THOSE COUPON

CLIPPERS.

THEY'RE THE ONLY ONES WHO BUY

PRINT NUCHS ANYMORE SNON HOW

MUCH DID YOU PAY FOR THAT?

>> $900 MILLION.

John: WHAT?

IT WAS GOING TO BE MORE BUT I

HAD A COUPON.

>> John: IS IS THIS A GOOD IDEA,

JOHN?

NEWSPAPERS HAVE NOTORIOUSLY

BECOME MONEY-LOSING BUSINESSES.

>> I'M GOING TO DISRUPT THE

PARADIGM.

THAT'S BILLIONAIRE SPEAK FOR

[BLEEP] [BLEEP].

YOU SEE, NEWSPAPERS THOUGHT THAT

PEOPLE WANT TO PAY MONEY FOR

INFORMATION.

BUT WE NOW KNOW FROM THE

INTERNET THAT WHAT THEY REALLY

WANT IS IS THEIR OWN OPINIONS

FED BACK TO TO THEM FOR FREE.

MY NEWSPAPERS WILL BE PRINTED IN

THREE EDITIONS TO CATER TO THE

LIBERAL, CONSERVATIVE AND CAD

VIDEO ENTHUSIASTS.

>> John: THAT IS A POWERFUL

GROUP.

>> 40% OF OUR ECONOMY, JOHN.

NOW, LOOK AT JEFF BEZOS' RAG

FROM THIS MORNING.

OBAMA PUSHES INTERNET PROPOSAL.

(SNORING) FACTUAL, BORING.

BUT MY READERS WITH THE SAME

STORY WILL HAVE THEIR CHOICE OF

THREE PERSONALIZED HEADLINES.

FIRST, OBAMA EMPOWERS PROCEED

LEE TEAR YAT WITH WI-FI.

OR BLACK HITLER WASTES TAX PAYER

MONEY... AGAIN.

OR OBAMA CAN HAVE INTERNET?

>> John: I HAVE TO JUMP IN HERE,

I DON'T KNOW.

LOOK, I AM NO EXPERT IN

BUSINESS.

>> AS YOUR SHABBY SCREAMS TO MY

TERRIFIED EYES.

>> John: BUT WON'T PRINTING'S

THREE EDITIONS OF PAPER TRIPLE

YOUR COSTS.

>> YES, JOHN, BUT I'LL MAKE UP

FOR IT BY DOUBLE-TRIPLING MY

ADVERTISING.

>> John: HOW IS THAT POSSIBLE,

HODGMAN?

NEWSPAPER ADVERTISING HAS FALLEN

50% IN THE LAST DECADE.

>> MY NEWSPAPER IS GOING TO TAKE

A CUE FROM CUTTING EDGE

TECHNOLOGY SUCH AS RADIO AND

REALITY TELEVISION BY USING

PRODUCT PLACEMENT.

NOW LET'S SEE HOW SCOOP BEZOS

REPORTS THE INTERNATIONAL NEWS.

RUSSIAN PRESIDENT PUTIN TODAY

AFFIRMED HIS SUPPORT FOR THE

SYRIAN GOVERNMENT.

NICE WORD BEZOS.

YOU JUST MISSED A HUGE REVENUE

STREAM.

RUSSIAN PRESIDENT PUTIN TODAY

AFFIRMED HIS SUPPORT FOR SYRIA'S

GOVERNMENT WHILE ENJOYING A ICE

COLD MOXIE SODA.

WHICH IT TURNS OUT IS NOT

DISGUSTING.

THAT TASTE.

>> John: NO SERIOUS NEWS OUTLET

WOULD EVER ENGAGE IN THAT KIND

OF SHAMELESS BEVERAGE.

>> HAVE YOU NEVER SEEN THE

OPENING SEQUENCE OF MORNING JOE

BREWED BY STARBUCKS.

>> John: I DO THINK MY POINT

ABOUT SERIOUS NEWS OUTLETS

STANDS.

THIS IS ALL WINDOW DRESSING,

HODGEMAN.

ARE YOU GOING TO OFFER THE

READERS ANYTHING SUBSTANTIVELY

NEW IN TERMS OF ACTUAL CONTENT?

>> OF COURSE.

EXCLUSIVE PREMIUM CONTENT.

FOR THOSE SELECTIVE READERS

WILLING TO PAY AN EXTRA FEE I

WILL ALSO SEND AN ACTUAL HUMAN

BEING THE A PLACE WHERE NEWS IS

HAPPENING.

AND THAT PERSON WILL LOOK AROUND

AND ASK QUESTIONS AND WRITE DOWN

WHAT'S GOING ON.

>> John: THAT'S JUST CALLED

BASIC REPORTING.

>> OH, REALLY?

I CALL IT HODGE'S ON PRIME.

I SAID IT, BEZOS.

COME AT ME, POOPY HEAD.

WHY DON'T YOU SUE ME IF YOU'VE

GOT THE...

>> John: OKAY.

WE'VE HIT THE NAIL ON THE HEAD

HERE.

THIS IS WHAT CONCERNS ME.

THE PRESS IS A VITAL PART OF ANY

DEMOCRACY.

IT SEEMS TROUBLING THAT

NEWSPAPERS SHOULD BECOME THE

IDLE PLAY THINGS OF A FEW

WEALTHY INDIVIDUALS.

>> THE GREAT ROMANTIC MYTH OF

THE IMPORTANCE OF THE AMERICAN

PRESS.

THAT WHISKEY-FLAVORED BOMB ON

THE LIVER OF THE INEVITABLY

DIVORCED NEWSPAPERMAN.

THE TRUTH IS, JOHN, THE NEWS

GAME HAS ALWAYS BEEN THE HOBBY

OF A FEW RICH MEN.

TED TURNER, RUPERT MURDOCH.

ALL THE WAY BACK TO WILLIAM

RANDOLPH HURST.

>> WILLIAM RANDOLPH HURST

STARTED THE SPANISH-AMERICAN WAR

JUST TO SELL PAPERS.

DO YOU REALLY WANT TO GO BACK TO

THAT ERA?

>> YES.

I'M A DERANGED MILLIONAIRE.

OF COURSE I DO.

LET ME SHOW YOU THE FIRST COPY

OF TOMORROW'S NEWSPAPER.

HOT OFF THE PRESSES.

>> John: YOU ARE NOT SERIOUSLY

GOING TO RUN WITH THAT HEADLINE,

ARE YOU?

>> NOT THE CAT LOVERS' EDITION,

OF COURSE.

>> John: THANK YOU, JOHN.

JOHN HODGEMAN, EVERYONE.

WE WILL BE RIGHT BACK.

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