International House of Handshakes

  • Aired:  09/23/10
  •  | Views: 164,747

Israel doesn't show up for a speech about the Middle East peace process, and Mahmoud Ahmadinejad is mad at America for not saying hello. (5:30)

>> Jon: HELLO, EVERYBODY,

WELCOME TO "THE DAILY SHOW".

MY NAME IS JON STEWART.

I WAS JUST MAKING SOME FINAL

NOTES.

[LAUGHTER]

WHEN A SPECIAL SHOW WE HAVE FOR

YOU TONIGHT HIS MAJESTY KING

ABDULLAH II OF JORDAN WILL BE

JOINING US.

[CHEERS AND APPLAUSE]

WE'RE VERY EXCITED ABOUT THAT.

TRULY AN HONOR.

HIS MAJESTY KING ABDULLAH II OR

AS I CALLED HIM -- AND I'M NOT

TRYING TO BRAG -- HIS MAJESTY

KING ABDULLAH II.

[LAUGHTER]

HE'S IN TOWN FOR THE 56th

GENERAL ASSEMBLY KICKING OFF

TODAY BY THE SECRET KENYAN

ADVISOR OF THESE UNITED STATES

WHO SPOKE PASSIONATELY ABOUT THE

MIDDLE EAST PEACE PROCESS.

>> PEACE MUST BE MADE ABOUT IT

ISRAELIS AND PALESTINIANS BUT WE

HAVE OUR RESPONSIBILITY TO DO

OUR PART AS WELL.

THOSE OF US WHO ARE FRIENDS OF

ISRAEL MUST UNDERSTAND THAT TRUE

SECURITY FOR THE JEWISH STATE

REQUIRE AS AN INDEPENDENT

PALESTINE.

[LAUGHTER]

>> Jon: I KNOW WE ARE NOT

NECESSARILY A TALL PEOPLE BUT --

[LAUGHTER]

IS THAT -- THAT CAN'T BE RIGHT?

THEY ARE NOT EVEN THERE!

ISRAEL IS NOT EVEN THERE.

UNLESS OH, MY GOD THEY SENT

ELIJAH.

NO?

THEY SENT ELIJAH AND HIS FRIEND

THE INVISIBLE MENCH.

THE MOST IMPORTANT SPEECH ABOUT

THE MIDDLE EAST IN YEARS AND

ISRAEL DOESN'T SHOW.

THEY WERE NOT THERE IN OBVIOUS

OBVIOUS -- OBSERVANCE OF THE

JEWISH HOLIDAY OF SUKOT WITH THE

HUT AND YOU SHAKE THE LEMON AND

YOU LICK -- I'M JEWISH I DIDN'T

KNOW -- I THOUGHT IT WAS JEWISH

ARBOR DAY.

[LAUGHTER]

I'M ACTUALLY TOLD JEWISH ARBOR

DAY IS CALLED TUBASHOT.

WE HAVE A LOT OF HOLIDAYS.

[LAUGHTER]

I GUESS THAT'S THE THING ABOUT

BEING A 6,000 YEAR OLD RELIGION,

A CONSUME LATE THE HOLIDAYS.

IT'S ALWAYS SOMETHING.

[LAUGHTER]

ISRAEL DOESN'T SHOW UP TO A

SPEECH THAT WAS BASICALLY FOR

THEIR BENEFIT WHILE OTHER

COUNTRIES TURNED UP EVEN THOUGH

THEY KNEW THEY WERE GOING TO GET

ROASTED.

>> TYRANNY IS STILL WITH US

WHETHER IT MANIFESTS ITSELF IN A

NORTH KOREAN REGIME THAT

ENSLAVES ITS OWN PEOPLE OR AN

ARMED GROUP IN CONGO THAT USE

RAPE AS A WANE OF WAR.

>> Jon: HELLO.

WE'RE SITTING RIGHT HERE.

HELLO, WE HEAR YOU.

[LAUGHTER]

THOSE GUYS FROM THE CONGO LOOK

BAD ASS.

BY THE WAY, HOW DO YOU LIKE TO

BE COSTA RICA.

EVERY U.N. ASSEMBLY

ALPHABETICALLY IS SITTING NEXT

TO THE CONGO.

EVERY TIME YOU SHOW UP AT THE

U.N. YOU GO HEY.

WHAT IS UP, YOU USE RAPE AS

WEAPONS.

WE'RE MORE OF AN ECOTOURIST KIND

OF THING.

[LAUGHTER]

BUT OBAMA WAS NOT ONLY THE BIG

NAME SPEAKER.

THERE WAS ALSO IRANIC PRESIDENT

MAHMOUD AHMEDINEJAD.

HE WARMED UP FOR HIS SPEECH AT

THE U.N. BY GOING ON CHARLIE

ROSE AND EXPLAINING WHY THE ILL

FEELINGS BETWEEN THE COUNTRIES

IS NOT HIS FAULT.

>> WHEN MR. OWE BALM KWRAFS

VOLED INTO OFFICE I SENT HIM A

MESSAGE.

I CONGRATULATED HIM.

OKAY?

WHAT SHOULD HE HAVE DONE

LOGICALLY?

HE SHOULD HAVE AT LEAST

RESPONDED.

I COME INTO THE ROOM AND I SAY

HELLO TO YOU.

YOU CAN TURN AROUND AND SAY

HELLO TO THE OTHER PERSON NEXT

TO ME.

>> POINT WELL TAKEN.

>> Jon: POINT WELL TAKEN?

YOU ARE MAD AT US BECAUSE WE

DIDN'T SAY HELLO?

THAT'S YOUR GRUDGE?

I DON'T KNOW WHY YOU HATE JEWS.

IT SOUNDS LIKE YOU ARE ONE OF

US.

[LAUGHTER]

I USED TO GET THE SAME THING

FROM MY RELATIVES.

THAT'S HOW MY RELATIVES ACT.

LOOK AT YOU MR. DEATH TO SMOOCIE

CAN'T COME TO HIS UNCLE'S 71ST

BIRTHDAY PARTY.

I'M NOT IMPORTANT TO YOU?

MAYBE I'M NOT DANNY DE VITO BUT

DID I RIDICULE YOU AT YOUR BAR

MITZVAH.

I CAN'T EVEN -- I CAN'T BELIEVE

THIS GUY.

I MEAN IT'S -- WHAT REASON WOULD

PRESIDENT OBAMA OR ANY OTHER

AMERICAN PRESIDENT HAVE TO BE

ANYTHING LESS THAN BEST FRIENDS

WITH AHMEDINEJAD?

>> I WARNED AMERICA AND ENGLAND

THAT THE FLAMES OF NATION'S

WRATH IS RISING.

THE ZIONIST REGIME AND ITS

CRIMES AND THE RAGE OF THE

REGIONS NATIONS IS ERUPTING.

WE'LL BREAK YOUR STICKS DOWN.

YOU HAVE TO KNOW THAT THIS

NATION WILL STAND UP AND WILL

SLAP THE MALEVOLENT ON THE

MOUTH.

>> Jon: I DENY THE HOLOCAUST.

I SAY THAT YOU, AMERICA,

ORCHESTRATED 9/11, BUT I WOULD

NEVER NOT SAY HELLO.

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