Osama bin Laden Conspiracy Theory

  • Aired:  05/19/11
  •  | Views: 74,957

John Hodgman wants to fix America's relationship with Pakistan by admitting that Bin Laden isn't dead. (4:49)

>> Jon: THANK GOD THEY

WORKED IN THAT STORY.

OBVIOUSLY REPAIRING OUR

RELATIONSHIP WITH PAKISTAN

WILL TAKE MORE THAN A FAILED

PRESIDENTIAL CANDIDATE.

THAT'S WHY WE'RE JOINED BY

OUR RESIDENT EXPERT JOHN

HODGMAN.

JOHN, THANK YOU SO MUCH FOR

JOINING US.

(CHEERS AND APPLAUSE)

>> Jon: HOW DO WE FIX--

(APPLAUSE)

>> Jon: HOW DO WE FIX THIS

RELATIONSHIP?

>> WELL, JON, A GOOD START

WOULD BE ADMITTING THAT BIN

LADEN ISN'T DEAD.

(LAUGHTER)

>> Jon: I'M SORRY, I THOUGHT

YOU JUST SAID A GOOD START

WOULD BE ADMITTING BIN LADEN

IS NOT DEAD.

>> OPEN YOUR EYES, JON, AN

THEN FOCUS THEM.

NOT ON THE MUSTACHE, HIGHER,

THANK YOU.

>> Jon: MY EYES ARE OPEN.

EVEN CONSPIRACY THEY ARISTS

HAVEN'T MADE ANY HEADWAY ON

THE BIN LADEN STALE LIFE

TRAIN.

>> JON, JON, JON, WE NEED

HIM TO STILL BE ALIVE.

IF BIN LADEN IS DEAD OUR

ADVENTURES IN PAKISTAN AND

IRAQ AND THESE OTHER

COUNTRIES COULD ALL BE

DRAWING TO A CLOSE.

>> Jon: RIGHT, WHICH IS

WONDERFUL.

>> NO, BUT THE WAR SPENDING

IS THE ONLY SECTOR OF OUR

ECONOMIES THAT'S BOOMING.

4R56 LAUGH

(LAUGHTER)

>> DOW WANT TO RISK POPPING

THE TERROR BUBBLE?

(LAUGHTER)

IT'S OUR LAST BUBBLE.

(LAUGHTER)

>> Jon: JOHN, I'M ALSO

PROTECT OUR BUBBLE ECONOMIES

BUT OSAMA BIN LADEN IS DEAD

AND NOTHING CAN KANG THAT.

>> JON, JON, JON V A LITTLE

FAITH IN AMERICA.

WE CAN GO ANYTHING WE PUT

OUR MINDS TO.

WE'RE THE COUNTRY THAT PUT A

MAN ON THE MOON.

AND WE'RE ALSO THE COUNTRY

THAT CREATED THE RUMOR THAT

WE DID NOT PUT A MAN ON THE

MONEY.

(LAUGHTER)

>> Jon: YOU'RE SAYING, JOHN,

TO SAVE OUR ECONOMY, WE NEED

TO CREATE SOME SORT OF NEW

CONSPIRACY THEORY ABOUT

OSAMA BIN LADEN FROM

SCRATCH.

>> YES, THAT'S WHAT WE DO

BEST.

>> Jon: HOW WOULD YOU EVEN

GET A BIN LADEN CONSPIRACY

THEORY GOING NOW.

>> RIGHT, WELL JON, THE KEY

IS TO MAKE PEOPLE FEEL LIKE

TEXAS.

YOU CAN'T BE TOO OBVIOUS.

FOR EXAMPLE SHOWING BIN

LADEN THAT TUESDAY'S

MET-MARLIN GAME ISN'T GOING

TO WORK.

(LAUGHTER)

>> Jon: OBVIOUSLY THAT'S

FAKE.

>> EVEN I KNOW THERE IS NO

WAY CITY FIELD WOULD BE

ALMOST HALF FULL.

YOU HAVE TO BE-- YOU HAVE TO

BE MORE SUBTLE.

NOW WE'VE ALL SEEN THIS

VIDEO OF BIN LADEN WATCHING

TELEVISION IN THIS COMPOUND.

NOW FREEZE THERE, AND

ENHANCE.

SEE, JON.

THAT'S COUNTRIES HEMSWORTH,

THE STAR OF THOR, BIN LADEN

WATCHING AN EPISODE OF

ENTERTAINMENT TONIGHT

COVERING A MOVIE THAT CAME

OUT 11 DAYS AFTER HE WAS

SUPPOSEDLY KILLED.

(LAUGHTER)

>> Jon: THAT PROVES NOTHING.

THEY CAN BE COVERING ANY RED

CARPET EVENT WITH CHRIS

CHEMS WORTH.

>> JON, COMPUTER, PULL BACK

ON THAT IMAGE, PLEASE.

IT SEEMS TO ME-- HE WAS HERE

AT THE PARTY CELEBRATING THE

ONE WEEK ANNIVERSARY

CELEBRATING THE RELEASE OF

THOR.

>> Jon: IF OSAMA IS STILL

ALIVE YOU STILL HAVE TO

ANSWER TOO MANY QUESTIONS.

WHY WOULD OBAMA WANT US TO

THINK HE IS DEAD.

>> PERFECT.

BECAUSE IT IS NOT A

CONSPIRACY THEORY UNTIL IT

INVOLVES OBAMA.

(LAUGHTER)

>> Jon: SO WHY?

>> WELL, BECAUSE BIN LADEN

AND OBAMA WERE SCHOOL CHUMS

TOGETHER IN INDONESIA.

(LAUGHTER)

NOT PICTURED IN THAT PHOTO,

THEIR MADRASSA CLASSMATE

BILL AYERS IN COMMON.

>> Jon: FIRST OF ALL THAT

PICTURE, TWO QUICK THINGS.

THOSE KIDS DON'T LOOK

ANYTHING LIKE (OBAMA AND

OSAMA BIN LADEN NUMBER ONE.

AND JIN BADEN IS LIKE FIVE

YEARS OLDER THAN OBAMA,

THOSE WERE THE SAME AGE.

>> IS HE, FIVE YEARS OLDER.

>> Jon: YES, WE ACTUALLY

HAVE OBAMA'S BIRTH

CERTIFICATE SO WE KNOW.

>> CORRECTION, JON, I HAVE

IT.

AND THIS AMERICAN LONG FORM

CERTIFICATE OF LIVE BIRTH

THAT PROVES NOTHING.

ALL THIS DOCUMENT TELLS SUS

THAT ON AUGUST 4th, 1961

OBAMA EMERGED FROM A WOMAN'S

VAGINA.

IT SAYS NOTHING ABOUT HIS

AGE AT THE TIME.

(LAUGHTER)

>> Jon: YOU'RE SAYING BRAHM

BAM AND OSAMA BIN LADEN

COULD BE THE SAME AGE

BECAUSE OBAMA WAS SMUGGLED

AS A FIVE-YEAR-OLD INTO THIS

COUNTRY IN A WOMAN'S VAGINA?

>> I HAVE HEARD PEOPLE

SAYING THAT, JON.

I--

(LAUGHTER)

>> I JUST HEARD YOU SAY IT,

ACTUALLY.

>> Jon: YOU KNOW, HOW WOULD

THAT YOU BE, SO WHEN OBAMA

WAS FIVE YEARS OLD HE WAS

THE SIZE OF A NEWBORN BABY.

>> JON, WAKE UP, HOW ELSE

COULD HE FIT INTO A WOMAN'S

VAGINA.

>> Jon: WE DON'T HAVE TIME

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