Cliffpocalypsemageddonacaust - Totally Solvable Budget Problem

  • Aired:  11/29/12
  •  | Views: 188,437

To force themselves to work together and compromise, Congress and the White House concocted a catastrophic, economy-crashing penalty for fiscal inaction. (5:56)

BOOM, THAT'S A LITTLE PLAY I DID.

OBAMA IN THE WHITE HOUSE.

ALL RIGHT.

THINGS ARE PRETTY SWEET FOR MR. OBAMA THESE DAYS.

LIVING LARGE, HE'S IN CHARGE.

NOTHING TO WORRY ABOUT.

>> JUST 33 DAYS LEFT UNTIL WE HIT THAT DISASTROUS COMBINATION OF TAX RATE

INCREASES AND SPENDING CUTS NOW KNOWN AS THE FISCAL CLIFF.

>> Jon: OH, YEAH, THAT, THAT WAS-- (LAUGHTER) LADIES AND GENTLEMEN, THE FISCAL-- CLIFF.

>> IT'S THE SUBJECT OF TONIGHT'S CLIFFPOCALYPSEMA GET-- MAGEDDONOCAUST, OUR

NATION'S SOLVABLE BUDGET PROBLEM.

(LAUGHTER) (CHEERS AND APPLAUSE)

>> Jon: I ACTUALLY HURT MY SHOULDER JUST THERE.

IT'S LIKE I'M 50.

SO WE'RE NOW JUST A LITTLE MORE THAN A MONTH AWAY FROM GOING OVER THE FISCAL CLIFF

WHICH IS, OF COURSE, AS WE ALL, WHAT IS THE FISCAL CLIFF AGAIN?

>> A TOXIC COMBINATION OF SPENDING CUTS AND TAX INCREASES THAT KICKS IN AT

THE BEGINNING OF NEXT YEAR.

>> ON JANUARY 1s ITS BUSH TAX CUTS WILL ECK PRIOR WITHIN THE ALTERNATIVE MINIMUM CONTINUATION WOULD

QUICK IN, HIKING TAXES FOR MORE THAN HALF MARRIED COUPLES WITH TWO CHILDREN.

THE PAYROLL TAX CUT WAS ALSO EXPIRE.

>> EMERGENCY UNEMPLOYMENT BENEFITS END, AND 984 BILLION DOLLARS IN THE AUTOMATIC CUTS IN BOTH

DEFENSE AND DOMESTIC BUDGETS ARE TRIGGERED.

>> IT VERY LIKELY THAT WE'RE ALL GOING DIE.

>> Jon: WHY DID THEY PUT THAT LAST PROVISION IN.

SEE, HERE IS WHAT HAPPENED.

TWO SUMMERS AGO CONGRESS REALIZED THAT IF THEY COULDN'T COMPROMISE ON A DEFICIT AND REVENUE PLAN OUR

ECONOMY WOULD KRAFERNLT TURNS OUT THEY COULDN'T COMPROMISE.

SO HERE'S WHAT THEY DID.

IN ORDER TO FORCE THEMSELVES TO WORK TOGETHER AND COMPROMISE THEY CONCOCTED A CATASTROPHIC PENALTY THAT

WOULD ITSELF CRASH OUR ECONOMY.

BRILLIANT!

PUT IT ANOTHER WAY.

IF THERE IS AN ASTEROID HEADED TOWARDS THE EARTH.

WE MADE IT AND FIRED IT AT OURSELVES.

(LAUGHTER) BECAUSE OTHERWISE WE WOULD NEVER HAVE DONE THE HARD WORK REQUIRED TO PROTECT

OURSELVES FROM THE ASTEROID.

SO THE ASTEROID IS COMINGS.

WHERE ARE WE AT.

>> IF WE'RE SERIOUS ABOUT REDUCING THE DEFICIT, WE HAVE TO COMBINE SPENDING

CUTS WITH REVENUE.

>> THAT'S KIND OF AN EASY-- THAT SEEMS VERY SOLVABLE.

DEMS WANT REVENUE THROUGH MARGINAL TAX INCREASES ON THE WEALTHY.

THE REPUBLICANS WANT ENTITLEMENT CUTS.

>> RAISING TAX RATES IS UNACCEPTABLE.

>> Jon: WELL, LET'S JUST CHECK IN WITH THE DEMOCRATS AND SEE WHERE THEY ARE AT ON

ENTITLE AM REFORM.

>> MR. DURBIN, THE NUMBER TWO MAN IN THE SENATE AND OTHER DEMOCRATS ARE SAYING

ENTITLEMENTS FOR THIS FISCAL CLIFF DEAL ARE OFF THE TABLE.

>> Jon: OKAY SO, THE ONLY WAY TO SOLVE THERE SEN TITLEMENT REFORM AND TAX

REVENUE AND THOSE ARE BOTH OFF THE TABLE SO-- I DON'T WANT TO CLOSE MY EYES ♪ ♪ I DON'T WANT TO FALL

ASLEEP ♪ ♪ BECAUSE I MISS YOU GIRL ♪ ♪ DON'T WANT TO MISS A THING ♪ ♪ (LAUGHTER)

>> Jon: REALLY?

PEN MICROPHONE?

I GUESS THIS MEANS THERE'S NO WAY OF AVOIDING THE FISCAL CLIFF, THE SELF-IMPOSED FISCAL-FRIENDLY FIRE.

UNLESS, NO, NO, WAY.

I COULD NEVER -- PERHAPS.

WE CAN SOLVE THIS NUMBERS PROBLEM WITH WORDS.

>> FRANKLY I CALL THE FISCAL ABYSS.

>> MORE LIKE Y2 K.

>> MORE LIKE A BERMUDA TRY AND EGG.

>> MORE LIKE A GRAND CANYON.

>> TAXMAGEDDON.

>> IT'S A HILL.

>> Jon: HILL, HILL, THAT LAST ONE I LIKE THAT LAST ONE.

HILLS ARE MUCH LESS SCARY THAN CLIFFS.

OR CANYONS OR BOMBS, OR MAGEDDONS.

RATHER THAN FIXING THERE, WHY DON'T WE JUST CALL THIS BAD THING SOMETHING LESS BAD.

>> IT'S MORE LIKE A FISCAL SLOPE.

>> I THINK IT'S AN AUSTERITY SLOPING CRISIS OF SOME KIND.

>> Jon: NOW WE'RE COOKING WITH GAS, OR WHATEVER WE'RE RENAMING THE COMPRESSED FUEL

VAPORS IGNITED FOR FOOD PREPARATION BUT HILL IT'S AND SLOPES YOU CAN STILL FALL.

JACK AND JILL WE REMEMBER PAID A TERRIBLE PRICE.

TRAVERSING A HILL, BROKEN CROWN, WATER EVERYWHERE.

REALLY THE ENTIRE PURPOSE OF THEIR WALK UP THE HILL WENT FOR NAUGHT.

>> IT'S MORE LIKE A GAERND.

WHAT DO I MEAN BY GARDEN.

>> Jon: YES, YES, A FISCAL GARDEN.

(LAUGHTER) THAT SOUNDS GOOD.

WHAT DO YOU MEAN BY GARDEN.

BASE THOUGHT WE WERE GOING OVER A CLIFF.

>> THERE'S NO SINGLE GROUP AT THE TOP THAT CAN MANAGE THAT GARDEN.

IN A TOP DOWN FASHION.

IT'S GOING TO BE ORGANIC, IT'S GOING TO BE BOTTOM UP.

AND THERE ARE THINGS THEY CAN DO TO HARM THINGS, LIKE YOU SAID RELEASING A FEDS

WOULDN'T BE GOOD BUT THE REAL PROBLEM IS-- .

>> Jon: YEAH, YEAH, I DON'T KNOW WHAT THE [BLEEP] YOU'RE TALKING ABOUT ANY MORE, BUT

I DON'T CARE BECAUSE I LIKE YOUR POINT.

OUR COUNTRY FACES A FISCAL DISASTER AND WE DON'T HAVE TO COMPROMISE OR FIX IT.

BECAUSE WE CAN JUST SIT BACK IN OUR GARDEN AND ENJOY THE FRUITS AND FLOWERY AROMAS OF

WASHINGTON IN DECEMBER

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