Who Wants to Beat a Millionaire

  • Aired:  04/27/10
  •  | Views: 195,921

Even though the Senate is too paralyzed by partisan politics to impact the financial crisis, it can still express good old-fashioned impotent rage. (8:17)

>> Jon: WELCOME TO "THE DAILY SHOW".

MY NAME IS JON STEWART.

THANKS FOR JOINING US.

THANK YOU VERY MUCH.

WE HAVE A GOOD SHOW FOR YOU TONIGHT.

THANK YOU, YOU ARE VERY KIND.

AUTHOR RICHARD WHITTLE IS OUR GUEST.

HE HAS WRITTEN A BOOK WITH THE OS SPRI -- OSPREY HELICOPTER ONE OF BIGGEST BOONDOGGLES IN HISTORY.

BUT LET'S TALK ABOUT PUTTING YOUR MONEY IN A BANK.

IT TURNS OUT WHEN YOU GIVE YOUR MONEY TO A BANK WHAT THEY DO WITH IT IS, AH, ANYTHING THEY WANT.

[ LAUGHTER ]

IF THEY LOSE IT, PERHAPS GAMBLING ON BIGGER, DUMBER BANKS --

[LAUGHTER]

-- THEY REPLENISH THE MONEY YOU ORIGINALLY GAVE THEM WITH MORE OF YOUR MONEY.

[ LAUGHTER ]

YOU KNOW WHY?

BECAUSE CALAGERO WAS RIGHT, THE WORKING MAN IS A SUCKER.

BY THE WAY TICKETS ARE STILL AVAILABLE FOR THE SHOW "JON STEWART PARAPHASES A BRONX TALE

AFTER SEEING IT TWICE 15 YEARS AGO." YOU KNOW THE WORST PART OF THAT

JOKE IN IT'S NOT A PHOTO SHOP PICTURE.

IT'S ME.

[LAUGHTER]

THERE'S ONE UNFORESEE BENEFIT OF THE FINANCIAL COLLAPSE.

IT'S BEEN THE ONLY ISSUE ABLE TO UNITE DEMOCRATS AND REPUBLICANS.

>> WE'RE GOING TO GET BILL ON FINANCIAL REFORM.

>> REPUBLICANS WOULD LIKE TO SEE A BIPARTISAN BILL.

>> IT'S NOT ABOUT POLITICS, THIS IS ABOUT TRYING TO PROTECT PEOPLE'S POCKETBOOKS.

>> WE NEED FINANCIAL REFORM.

>> WE ALL AGREE WE NEED FINANCIAL REFORM.

>> Jon: MY GOD!

IT'S THE APPEARANCE OF THE RARE AND NEARLY EXTINCT ELEFUNKY.

[ LAUGHTER ]

WHAT AN ABERRATION THE ANIMAL IS.

AN ABOMINATION UNDER THE LORD, I SAY.

FINALLY WE CAN MOVE FORWARD WITH AT LEAST THE DEBATE ON FINANCIAL REFORM.

>> SENATE REPUBLICANS VOTED LAST NIGHT AGAINST MOVING FORWARD WITH DEBATE ON THE MASSIVE

FINANCIAL REFORM BILL.

[LAUGHTER]

>> Jon: I FORGOT THE ELEFONKEY IS A MON STRONSITY WHOSE EXISTENCE ISING ANY.

IT MAY LAY FLACCID BUT ITS GRANDSTANDING HEARING ARM STILL WORKS.

I GIVE YOU THE RETURN OF GOLDMAN SACHS, REHARANANING.

GOLDMAN CHAIRMAN AND SIX OF HIS TOP EMPLOYEES INCLUDING THIS (bleep) GUY.

>>

>> HE IS THE ONLY GOLDMAN SACHS EMPLOYEE NAMED IN THE S.E.C.'S LAWSUIT AGAINST THE FIRM.

>> REFERRING TO HIMSELF AS THE FABULOUS FAB.

>> Jon: AH.

I SEE HE HAS ALREADY PICKED OUT HIS PRISON NICKNAME.

[ LAUGHTER ]

FAB IS ACCUSED --

[CHEERS AND APPLAUSE]

FAB IS ACCUSED OF KNOWINGLY PEDALING CRAP PRODUCTS DESIGNED TO FAIL GOLDMAN SACHS CLIENTS

WHILE PROFITING FROM SHORT BETS THAT THE PRODUCTS WOULD FAIL.

IS IT TRUE?

I DON'T KNOW BUT THE E-MAILS HE SENT TO HIS GIRLFRIENDS, PLURAL PLURAL --

[LAUGHTER]

-- DIDN'T HELP.

BRAGGED FAB THAT EVEN THOUGH THE ENTIRE SYSTEM IS ABOUT TO CRUMBLE AT ANY MOMENT IT WAS

STILL SELLING QUOTE WIDOWS AND ORPHANS HE RAN INTO AT THE AIRPORT FINANCIAL PRODUCTS HE

SOLD THAT WERE -- QUOTE -- "PIEWRP INTELLECTUAL MASTERBATION THAT NOBODY KNOWS

HOW TO PRICE. ".

[LAUGHTER]

ARE TIMES SO TOUGH, LAIDIES,

THAT HE REALLY HAS GIRLFRIENDS,

PLURAL?

ALL THE GUYS I MEET ARE EITHER DICKS OR (bleep).

GOLDMAN SACHS C.E.O. LLOYD BLANK FEIN WHAT DOES HE OFFER ABOUT THE EXCUSE.

>> HE'S PREPARED TO SAY THAT HE IS IMMATURE AND SHOWED POOR JUDGMENT.

>> Jon: YEAH,O I DON'T KNOW THAT HARD SELLING WIDOWS PRODUCTS THAT ARE BOUND TO

FINANCIALLY CRUSH THEM IS CONSIDERED IMMATURE.

I THINKS THAT MORE OF LOOKING AT PICTURES OF BIRDS AND LAUGHING BECAUSE YOU SEE THE WORD TITMOUSE.

[ LAUGHTER ]

IN THE E-MAILS GOLDMAN LITERALLY ADMITTED THEY WERE SELLING A QUOTE (bleep) DEAL TO THEIR CLIENTS.

HOW WILL OUR NATION'S MOST DELIBERATIVE BODY, LEGISLATORS,

OUR SENATE RESPOND TO SUCH COARSE MISSIVE?

>> HE WAS TELLING YOU ON JUNE 22 BY THAT TIMBERWOLF IS A (bleep) DEAL.

>> TRYING TO SELL A (bleep) DEAL.

THIS IS THE SAME ONE CALLED (bleep).

>> SHOULD GOLDMAN SACHS BE TRYING TRYING TO SELL A (bleep) CAN YOU ANSWER THAT ONE YES OR NO?

[LAUGHTER]

[CHEERS AND APPLAUSE]

>> Jon: LOOKS LIKE --

[CHEERS AND APPLAUSE]

WOW.

LOOKS LIKE SENATORS McCASSELL AND LEVIN ARE DRIVING THE POTTY BUS TO (bleep) TOWN.

FEELS PRETTY GOOD, DOESN'T IT?

THAT'S THE BEAUTY OF THE FINANCIAL MELTDOWN WEAN A FINANCIAL BODY THAT COULD IMPACT

THE CRISIS PARALYZED BIPARTISAN POLITICS WE CAN GET TOGETHER AND EXPRESS GOOD OLD FASHIONED RAGE.

>> YOU THINK THAT YOUR PEOPLE THINK IT'S A PIECE OF CRAP AND SELL THAT.

>> SUBPRIME LOANS WERE THE BASIS FOR INCOME FOR THE BORROWER OF

WHAT THEY SAY THEIR INCOME SNCH YOU ARE PLAYING IN THE MARKET AND MUCKING IT UP.

>> IF YOU DON'T WANT TO ANSWER MY QUESTIONS YOU DON'T HAVE TO.

>> YOU THINK IT'S SO COMPLICATED AND YOU THINK YOU ARE SO SMART.

>> WE'RE NOT THAT STUPID.

>> Jon: YOU THINK YOU ARE SO SMART?

YOU THINK YOU CAN JET DOWN HERE IN YOUR GOLDEN FLYING CARRIAGES FOR A-A DAY AND SIT FOR A -- FOR

HALF A DAY AND SIT FOR A PER FUNK TREE SCOLDING AND GO BACK TO YOUR FANCY SUPERMODEL

(bleep) JOB FACTORIES WHERE THEY SPEND MOMENTS KISSING THE ASSES WITH ANY CONSTITUENT WITH

$20 AND A WORKING LANDLINE.

I GUESS WHAT I'M SAYING TO YOU,

SIR, IS ARE YOU HIRING?

HERE IS THE THING, CONGRESS -- HERE IS THE THING, CONGRESS YOU HAVE AN INDUSTRY WITH A

PERVASIVE CULTURE OF GREED AND PURPOSEFUL EXPLOITATION OF WHATEVER LEGAL LOOPHOLES THE

BEST LOOPHOLE LOOKING LEGAL MINDS WITH LOCATE THAT LAY IN PROSTRATE IN FRONT OF YOU AND

THE BEST YOU CAN COME UP WITH IS -- GUESS WHAT?

THEY ARE SMARTER THAN YOU.

[ LAUGHTER ]

YOU WANT TO KNOW WHAT A CAN-DO CONGRESS LOOKS LIKE?

THIS IS THE UKRAINIAN CONGRESSIONAL RESPONSE YESTERDAY OVER A VOTE TO EXTEND THE

RUSSIAN NAVAL LEASE.

YEAH, MAN, YEAH!

GREEN EGGS AND FISTFIGHTS MOTHER (bleep).

[CHEERS AND APPLAUSE]

SO I SAY TO YOU, CONGRESS, THIS: UNTIL THE SKOPBD DRELS ARE OUR ECONOMIC COLLAPSE ARE FORCED TO

SIT THROUGH HEARINGS WITH UMBRELLAS �||||

Loading...