You're Welcome - NASCAR

  • Aired:  01/13/11
  •  | Views: 99,032

NASCAR can become an exciting sport that people want to watch if it loses the boring oval track and gets rid of the cars. (4:59)

>> Jon: WELCOME BACK.

IT SEEMS AT A ONCE PROUD

AMERICAN SPORT IS IN TROUBLE.

>> NASCAR HAS STRUGGLED IN

RECENT YEARS HURT BY THE EFFECTS

OF THE RECESSION.

>> THE SPORT IS IN A FIGHT FOR

SPONSOR DOLLARS.

>> NASCAR'S RATING 10% DOWN.

>> SOME SAY I'VE GOTTEN STALE.

>> HOW COULD PEOPLE GET BORED

WATCHING SOMEONE DRIVE IN A

CIRCLE AGAIN AND AGAIN.

>> Jon: LUCKILY HERE TO LEND

HIS EXPERTISE IS JOHN HODGMAN IN

HIS SEGMENT: YOU'RE WELCOME.

♪ ♪

>> Jon: THANK YOU VERY MUCH

FOR BEING HERE JOHN.

[CHEERS AND APPLAUSE]

ALL RIGHT.

I LIKE THIS.

I LIKE THIS.

IS THAT A MUSTACHE IN HONOR OF

YOUR BUSHY DALE EARNHARDT

STASCHE.

>> I DON'T KNOW WHAT YOU ARE

TALKING ABOUT.

I FORGOT I HAD THIS ON.

IT'S FOR A MOVIE PART.

LET ME GET RID OF IT FOR YOU.

THERE WE GO.

>> Jon: DID YOU GROW A

MUSTACHE?

>> I WAS GOING FOR STANLEY TUCCI

IN THE LOVELY BONES.

YOU KNOW, SOPHISTICATED,

FRIENDLY.

[LAUGHTER]

>> Jon: WAS TUCCI'S CHARACTER

A --

>> I DON'T KNOW I DIDN'T SEE IT.

[LAUGHTER]

>> Jon: LET'S GET TO THE

MATTER AT HAND HERE.

>> SURE, NASCAR.

>> Jon: YES.

>> THE PROBLEM IS THEY HAVE LOST

TOUCH WITH THE HERITAGE.

TODAY'S DRIVERS ARE ALL

MILLIONAIRES.

THE CARS THEY DRIVE IN ARE SPACE

AGE SAFETY÷úÑi CAGES WITH WHEEL AND

THE TRACKS THEY DRIVE ON ARE

GOLD AND SPRAY PAINTED TO LOOK

LIKE ASPHALT.

>> Jon: THAT SOUND AS MAZING.

DO THEY HAVE THAT?

>> YOU WOULD THINK SO BUT IT'S

BORING.

NOT EVEN WORTH THE PRICE OF

ADMISSION.

[LAUGHTER]

COST COSTS $5 MILLION.

THAT'S WHY NASCAR IS ECLIPSED BY

DOWN AND DIRTY SPORTS LIKE CAGE

FIGHTING WHICH BRINGS ME TO THAT

FIRST SOLUTION.

LOSE THE BORING OVAL TRACK AND

REPLACE IT WITH THE SHAPE PEOPLE

LOVE THE OCTOBER GONE.

>> Jon: OBVIOUSLY THE INTEARAL

ANGLE OF AN OCTOBER GONE IS 1358

DEGREES I DON'T KNOW HOW A

DRIVER --

>> WAIT A MINUTE, HOW DO YOU

KNOW WHAT THE EXACT INTERIOR

ANGLE AN OCTOBER GONE IS.

HAND IT OVER, JON.

A PROTRACTOR.

I THOUGHT SO.

[LAUGHTER]

THAT'S MY JOB.

[LAUGHTER]

>> Jon: YOU CAN'T JUST CHANGE

THE SHAPE OF TRACK AND STEAL

BACK VIEWERS FROM ULTIMATE

FIGHTING.

>> OF COURSE NOT THAT'S WHY THEY

MUST ENACT THE SECOND SOLUTION

NO MORE CARS.

>> Jon: A GIANT FOOT RACE?

>> MORE LIKE A FIST RACE.

AS SOON AS THE FLAG GOES DOWN

THE DRIVERS PUNCH EACH OTHER IN

A CAGE.

>> Jon: I KNOW CAGE FIGHTING

IS POPULAR WITHOUT CHANGING IT

TO BE CAGE FIGHTING?

>> WHY?

IT COULD BE BACK TO ITS ROOTS.

STOCK CAR RACING STARTED OUT

WITH BOOT LEGGERS OUTRUNNING THE

POLICE DURING PROHIBITION.

>> Jon: RUGBY STARTED WITH

PEOPLE FIGHTING OVER A HAM.

>> I DON'T KNOW ABOUT THAT.

>> Jon: HOW DOES NASCAR

RECAPTURE THE EXCITEMENT AND

DANGER OF THOSE RUM-RUNNING

DAYS?

>> IT'S SIMPLE: AFTER EACH RACE

THE LOSER IS HANDCUFFED TO HIS

OWN BUMPER AND BEATEN TO DEATH

BY A CORRUPT SOUTHERN SHERIFF.

>> Jon: YOUR SOLUTION IS TO

FORCE THE DRIVERS TO SUFFER

PAIN?

>> THAT'S NASCAR'S SOLUTION,

WATCH.

>> THEY LOOSENED THE RULES THIS

YEAR.

>> OFFICIALS WANT DRIVERS TO MIX

IT UP, SAYING HAVE AT IT, BOYS

THE HISTORY IS BASED ON BANG RIG

FENDER.

THEY ARE GOING TO ALLOW PEOPLE

TO INTENTIONALLY WRECK PEOPLE.

>> ALLOW PEOPLE.

THAT MEANS NOT HITTING PEOPLE IS

AN OPTION.

THAT WILL NEVER WORK.

>> Jon: THERE'S A MIDDLE

GROUND?

>> YOU WANT TO COMPROMISE

BETWEEN MY SOLUTION AS AN

EXCITING SPORT WHICH PEOPLE WANT

TO WATCH WITH NASCAR INSISTING

ON CARS.

ANSWER IS STARING US IN THE

FACE: MAKE THE A DEATH RACE.

IN THE YEAR 2011 WHEN THE

CRASHES ARE MANDATORY AND THE

NAVIGATORS MUST HAVE GLASSES.

I CAN'T BELIEVE IT WAS 11 YEARS

AGO.

>> Jon: IT'S 40 YEARS.

IT WAS DAVID CARRADYNE IN DEATH

RACE 2000.

>> A LOT OF PEOPLE LIKED THAT

MOVIE.

A LOT OF PEOPLE WATCHED IT.

>> Jon: THEY DIDN'T ACTUALLY

HUGE BOMB.

>> AT LEAST ONE PERSON WATCHED

IT.

[LAUGHTER]

A LOT.

[ LAUGHTER ]

>> Jon:

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