Denis Leary

  • Aired:  01/10/11
  •  | Views: 116,569

Jon tried to read Denis Leary's book, "Suck on This Year," in the bathroom, but it was over before he got his underwear down. (5:46)

MY GUEST TONIGHT OUR GOOD

FRIEND, A VERY FUNNY COMEDIAN.

HIS NEW BOOK IS CALLED "SUCK ON

THIS YEAR."

HIS UPCOMING STAND UP SPECIAL IS

CALLED" DENIS LEARY PRESENTS

DOUCHE BAGS AND DOUGHNUTS."

>> YOU SEE THE DOUCHE BAG

WEARING A (bleep) CAP YOU KNOW

WHY?

HE SAW BRAD PITT OR COLIN

FARRELL WEARING IT AND HE THINKS

IT'S COOL.

IT LOOKS (bleep).

REALLY?

YOU ARE SWEGT HARDER THAN

LINDSAY LOHAN IN A LIQUOR STORE.

(bleep).

TAKE THE (bleep) HAT OFF.

IT'S JULY.

>> Jon: PLEASE WELCOME BACK TO

THE PROGRAM DENIS LEARY.

[CHEERS AND APPLAUSE]

SIT DOWN.

WE DON'T HAVE MUCH TIME.

[CHEERS AND APPLAUSE]

DENIS LEARY IS HERE.

[CHEERS AND APPLAUSE]

DENIS --

[CHEERS AND APPLAUSE]

>> HI.

>> Jon: YOU HAVE A SPECIAL.

>> YOU KNOW, I DON'T KNOW --

FOUR GUYS STOOD UP.

[LAUGHTER]

ACTUALLY FIVE.

FIVE GUYS STOOD UP AND THE REST

OF YOU SAT THERE -- NO, THAT'S

OKAY.

[LAUGHTER]

HI, JON.

>> Jon: I WAS EXPECTING, TWO.

WHEN I SAW FOUR I WAS LIKE

LEARY'S ON A ROLE.

>> I WAS EXCITED.

I COULDN'T BELIEVE IT.

I CHECKED TO SEE IF THEY WERE

COUSINS OF MINE.

>> Jon: THIS BOOK IS YOUR

TWEETS, I GUESS IT IS?

>> YES.

>>.

>> Jon: THIS IS THE SHORTEST

PIECE OF (bleep) BOOK I'VE

EVER SEEN IN MY LIFE.

>> CAN I JUST SAY --

>> Jon: I WAS GOING TO READ

THIS IN THE BATHROOM.

BY THE TIME I HAD MY UNDERWEAR

DOWN IT WAS OVER.

[LAUGHTER]

>> CAN I SAY SOMETHING.

I SAID THIS PUBLICLY BEFORE

ABOUT THIS BOOK.

THIS BOOK WAS BUILT FOR THE

BATHROOM.

>> I USED YOUR GIANT BOOK,

EARTH, I BOUGHT IT IN NOVEMBER.

IT'S A LONG BOOK.

>> Jon: YOU ARE KREUT SAOEUGZ

THE VALUE OF OUR BOOK?

>> THE VALUE AND THE DEPTH.

AND THE KNOWLEDGE.

THERE'S TOO MUCH KNOWLEDGE IN

THE BOOK.

THIS WILL BOOK HAS NO KNOWLEDGE.

IT JUST MAKES YOU LAUGH.

GET THIS, JON, IF YOU LISTENED

TO MY OTHER APPEARANCE, YOU

WOULD HAVE KNOWN THIS, THESE

PAGES CAN BE USED AS TOILET

PAPER.

THIS BOOK ONLY COSTS $18, JON.

YOUR BOOK COSTS $175.

>> Jon: THE PER PAGE COST ON

YOUR BOOK.

>> WAIT, LOOK AT THIS.

JON'S BOOK IS LIKE CARRYING

AROUND A SMALL CHILD.

[LAUGHTER]

NO, THIS IS -- TO --

>> Jon: TO REFER TO THIS AS A

BOOK.

>> I'M GOING TO DO ANOTHER ONE

BECAUSE IT HIT NUMBER SEVEN ON

THE BEST SELLER LIST.

THAT'S RIGHT.

>> Jon: WHAT?

[CHEERS AND APPLAUSE]

>> I --

>> Jon: HERE IS HOW.

PEOPLE WALK UP TO THE COUNTER.

LET'S GET THESE.

WHAT ABOUT YOUR UNCLE THAT DRUNK

FAT (bleep).

WHAT SHOULD WE GET HIM?

WE'LL TAKE THIS ONE, TOO.

[LAUGHTER]

>> IT'S NOT EVEN BIG ENOUGH TO

BE CALLED A BOOK.

YOU'RE|ç RIGHT.

I MADE THIS BOOK --

>> Jon: DON'T EVEN SAY MADE.

THAT BOOK FELL OUT OF YOUR DAN

DANDRUFF.

>> I DID.

>> Jon: TO MAKE IS A VERB OF

ACTION.

ACTION.

>> THERE'S ACTION.

ALL YEAR LONG I THINK OF FUNNY

WISEASS THINGS TO SAY IN THE

MORNING AND I TWEET THEM.

IN SEPTEMBER I WAS LIKE HEY, I

COULD MAKE A BOOK OUT OF THIS

WITH BIG PICTURES AND BIG PRINT

AND PEOPLE WHO DON'T LIKE TO

READ EXCEPT IN THE TOILET WILL

BUY IT.

IT WENT TO NUMBER SEVEN.

I THINK I'M PROVING SOMETHING

HERE.

>> Jon: YOU ARE NOT.

HERE IS WHAT THIS IS LIKE.

THIS IS LIKE A BIG DESIGNER

ISAAC÷SO MUCH LINT IN MY BELLY BUTTON

I SHOULD MAKE A SUIT.

>> YOU WENT TO NUMBER ONE WITH

THE BOOK.

I CONGRATULATIONS YOU.

I MADE WISE ASS REMARKS AND WENT

TO NUMBER SEVEN.

YOU KNOW WHAT I MEAN?

[CHEERS AND APPLAUSE]

>> Jon: YOU ARE THE GUY IN THE

OLYMPICS WHO NEVER TRAINED CAME

IN LAST AND SAID --

>> STEWART HIT NUMBER ONE.

I STARTED TODAY AND FINISHED ON

THE SEVENTH.

I WANT TO MENTION A BIG PORTION

OF THE PROCEEDS GOES TO HELP THE

LEARY FOUNDATION.

>> Jon: A TREMENDOUS

FOUNDATION.

GOOD FOUNDATION.

>> WITH MY WIFE.

THIS BAG OF DOUGHNUTS THE

SPECIAL ON COMEDY CENTRAL -- IT

WON'T BE A TELETHON.

THERE'S A MINUTE IN THE MIDDLE

OF THE SPECIAL WHERE WE TELL YOU

WHERE TO DONATE MONEY AND THE

DVD, A HUGE PORTION GO TO THE

FOUNDATION.

WE HELP FIREFIGHTERS ALL OVER

THE COUNTRY.

WE GET MONEY AND WE SPEND MONEY

IMMEDIATELY WHENEVER THE FIRE

DEPARTMENTS NEED IT.

>> Jon: IT'S A VERY NICE

CHARITY.

>> I WANT TO SAY ONE THING THAT

IS NOT AN INSULT.

I THOUGHT YOU DID A FANTASTIC

JOB AT THE OPENING OF THIS JOB.

IT WAS REALLY --

[CHEERS AND APPLAUSE]

AND YOU GUYS -- CAN YOU GUYS CUT

THAT OUT OF THE FINAL PRINT OF

THE SHOW BECAUSE I DON'T WANT TO

BE ON AIR ACTUALLY

COMPLIMENTING.

>> Jon: THANK YOU VERY MUCH.

THIS BOOK IS STILL A REAL PIECE

OF (bleep).

PEOPLE SHOULD BUY IT BECAUSE IT

DOES BENEFIT A TREMENDOUS

CHARITY.

>> IT FITS IN JON'S

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