A Fewer Good Men

  • Aired:  06/23/11
  •  | Views: 98,004

Barack Obama disappoints both sides by announcing the incremental withdrawal of troops from Afghanistan. (6:46)

THE PROMOTION OF THE BASIC

CIVIL RIGHT FOR A LARGE

GROUP OF PEOPLE.

BUT OBVIOUSLY OUR MAIN STORY

IS THE PRESIDENT'S ADDRESS

TO THE NATION LAST NIGHT.

HIS FIRST SINCE THAT NIGHT

TWO MONTHS AGO WHEN HE

INFORMED US THAT HE HAD

PERSONALLY KILLED OSAMA BIN

LADEN WITH HIS BARE HANDS.

AND HE IS WALKING DOWN THE

SAME CARPET AGAIN!

I WONDER IF WE GOT HITLER

THIS TIMEçó!

>> WHEN I ANNOUNCED THE

SURGE AT WEST,rPOINT, WE SET

CLEAR OBJECTIVES TO REFOCUS

ON AL QAEDA, TO REVERSE THE

TALIBAN'S MOMENTUM, AND

TRAIN AFGHAN SECURITY FORCES

TO DEFEND THEIR OWN COUNTRY.

WE ARE MEETING OUR GOALS.

>> Jon: OH MY GOD,

AFGHANISTAN WAR!

IT'S FINALLY OVER, TEN

YEARS.

CAN SOMEONE GET ME A NURSE

TO KISS IN THE STREET?

I CANwTi BELIEVE-- TELL ME

MORE!

>> STARTING NEJt MONTH WE

WILL BE ABLE TO REMOVE

10,000 OF OUR TROOPS FROM

AFGHANISTAN BY THE END OF

THIS YEAR.

AND WE WILL BRING HOME A

TOTAL OF 33,000 TROOPS BY

NEXT SUMMER.

>> Jon: HUH?

THAT'S IT?

CAME OUT TO ANNOUNCE THAT

THE TROOPS, THAT YOU SENT TO

AFGHANISTAN A YEAR AND A

HALF AGO ARE GOING TO BE

INCREMENTALLY REMOVED FROM

THAT COUNTRY OVER THEçó NEXT

YEAR AND A HALF?

PUTTING US AT A TROOP

COMMITMENT LEVEL STILL ABOVE

THE ONE THAT WAS THERE WHEN

YOU TOOK OFFICE.

I MEAN, IT'S NOT NOTHING BUT

DID YOU REALLY HAVE TO WALK

ALL THE WAY DOWN THE [BLEEP]

HALLWAY TO DO THAT?

COULDN'T YOU JUST SHOUT IT

AS YOU WERE WALKING BY?

(LAUGHTER)

>> Jon: HEY, WE'RE GOING TO

TRIM BACK A BIT ON ONE OF

OUR WARS.

(LAUGHTER)

>> Jon: FYI.

JUST DO IT AS A FACEBOOK

STATUS UPDATE.

YOU REALLY-- YOU HAD TO DO

THIS AS A NATIONWIDE

ADDRESS-- ALL RIGHT.

WELL, LET'S SEE HOW IT

PLAYED ON FOX, THE

CONSERVATIVES, THE PORTION

OF THE COUNTRY WHOSE VIEWS

ARE NEVER-- ALL RIGHT, JUST

PLAY IT.

>> WHY DO I SEE POLITICS ALL

OVER THIS.

PRESIDENT OBAMA IS PLAYING

POLITICS.

>> THIS IS 100% POLITICAL.

>> CLEARLY MEANT TO MOLLIFY

THE ANTI-WAR LEFT.

>> HE NEEDS TO APPEASE THE

LEFT WING OF HIS OWN PARTY.

>> I KNOW HE'S GOT TO

APPEASE THOSE MORON LIKE THE

CODE PINK CHICKS.

(LAUGHTER)

>> Jon: TO ME THE DEAD GIVE

AWAY, THE DENTIST DOESN'T

KNOW MUCH ABOUT CODE PINK

ISN'T THAT HE CALLED THEM

CHICK, BUT THAT HE THINKS

THEY CAN BE APPEASED.

(LAUGHTER)

>> Jon: ALL RIGHT.

SO THE SPEECH WAS LIKE RED

METAPHOR THE LEFT OR SHOULD

I SAY TOFURKEY, FOR THE

LEFT.

MAN, FOR THE LEFT.

THAT SPEECH MUST HAVE BEEN

LIKE FINDING OUT THAT A

VOLUME CO-- VOLVO AND SUB RO

MATED AND GIVEN BIRTH TO A

RECUMBENT BICYCLE, RIGHT?

>> I'M DISAPPOINTED.

REMOVING THE 33,000 TROOPS

IN OVER A YEAR IN OUR BUDGET

CRISIS IS NOT NEARLY GOOD

ENOUGH.

>> IT'S A NO-WIN POLICY.

>> IN MY OPINION IT'S NOT

ENOUGH.

>> IT'S GOING AT A SLOWER

PACE THAN I THINK IS

NECESSARY.

>> AFGHANISTAN WAR IS GOING

ON TEN YEARS NOW, IF IT WERE

A KID IT WOULD BE IN THE

FIFTH GRADE.

>> Jon: YES, THIS WAR IS

LIKE A TEN-YEAR-OLD CHILD

AND THAT'S WHY WE MUST END

IT -- WAIT, HOLD ON.

(LAUGHTER)

SIXTH GRADE SAY TOUGH YEAR,

I WILL SAY.

SO IT SEEMS THAT BARACK

OBAMA HAS PULLED OFF AN

INCREDIBLE FEAT.

HE HAS GIVEN A SPEECH NOBODY

LIKED.

SOMEHOW HE HAS FOUND AND

TOUCHED AMERICA ON OUR

ANTI-G-SPOT.

BUT I BELIEVE THIS SPEECH

CONTAINED A STRONG HINT OF

THE PROBLEM THIS PRESIDENT

IS FACING AS HE SEEKS TO

CREATE THE OBAMA DOCTRINE

FOR THE WAR ON TERRORISM.

>> WE MUST CHART A MORE

CENTERED COURSE.

LIKE GENERATIONS BEFORE WE

MUST EMBRACE AMERICA'S

SINGULAR WAR IN THE COURSE

OF HUMAN EVENTS AM BUT WE

MUST BE AS PRAGMATIC AS WE

ARE PASSIONATE, AS STRATEGIC

AS WE ARE RESOLUTE.

WHEN THREATENED, WE MUST

RESPOND WITH FORCE.

BUT WHEN THAT FORCE CAN BE

TARGETED, WE NEED NOT DEPLOY

LARGE ARMIES OVERSEAS.

>> Jon: SEE THERE'S THE

DILEMMA, BECAUSE WE'VE

ALREADY DEPLOYED LARGE AMIES

OVERSEAS.

WE'VE ALREADY DONE IT.

THE OBAMA DOCTRINE APPEARS

TO BE IN THE FUTURE I WILL

TRY NOT TO GET US EMBROILED

IN SO MANY MONEY AND LIFE

SUCKING CLUSTER [BLEEP] LIKE

THE ONES WE APPEAR TO BE

EMBROILED IN AT THE PRESENT

AND CAN'T FIGURE OUT HOW TO

GET OUT OF.

THE BUSH DOCTRINE IS CLEAR.

YOU GOT TERRORISTS, WE'RE

GOING TO GET YOU.

BUT IT TURNED OUT IT WAS A

GAME OF TERRORIST

WHACK-A-MOLE.

AND IT COST $9.7 BILLION A

MONTH TO COVER ONLY TWO

HOLES THAT YOU CAN NEVER

LEAVE.

SOMEWHAT UNSUSTAINABLE.

OBAMA'S MAKING THE CASE THAT

THE FUTURE DOESN'T HAVE TO

BE THIS WAY.

>> WHEN INNOCENTS ARE BEING

SLAUGHTERED AND GLOBAL

SECURITY ENDANG ARED, WE

DON'T HAVE TO CHOOSE BETWEEN

STANDING IDLY BY OR ACTING

ON OUR OWN.

INSTEAD WE MUST RALLY

INTERNATIONAL ACTION WHICH

WE'RE DOING IN LIBYA WHERE

WE DO NOT HAVE A SINGLE

SOLDIER ON THE GROUND.

>> SEE, HE'S SAYING LET'S

NOT PLAY WHACK-A-MOLE, LET'S

PLAY BUCK HUNTER.

(LAUGHTER)

>> JUST STAND BACK AND WAIT

FOR A DICTATOR LIKE MICHAEL

JACKSON TO WALK THROUGH THE

FOREST AND THEN-- BUT AGAIN

WE CAN ONLY PUT A NEW

STRATEGY IN PLACE ONCE WE

HAVE ENDED OUR CURRENT

ENTANGLEMENT.

LADIES AND GENTLEMEN, I'M

HERE TO ANNOUNCE TONIGHT

THAT I BELIEVE WE MAY HAVE

FOUND THE SOLUTION BURIED IN

SOME OF THE POST SPEECH

COMMENTARY.

>> THEY HAVE WHAT ARE CALLED

FIGHTING SEASONS.

>> HAVING ALL THE SURGE

FORCES LEAVE BY NEXT SUMMER

IS GOING TO COMPROMISEçó NEXT

SUMMER'S FIGHTING SEE

SOW-- SEASON.

>> THE FIGHTING SEASON

BEGINS IN THE SPRING WHEN

THEY FINISH HARVESTING THE

OPIUM.

AND IT ENDS IN THE FALL WHEN

THEY NEED TO BE UNHARVESTING

THE MARIJUANA.

>> SEE WE HERE IN AMERICA

HAVE FOUR SEASON, WINTER,

SPRING, SUMMER, FALL.

IN AFGHANISTAN TWO SEASONS,

FIGHTING SEASON BE, AND DRUG

HARVESTING SEASON.

(LAUGHTER)

DOCTRINE IF YOU WILL TO

WINNING THIS WAR, WE MUST AS

A NATION DEVICE A NARCOTIC

THAT RIPEENS DURING THEIR

SUMMER DRUG HARVESTING L

LULL.

PCP-EANUTS, IF YOU WILL.

METH AM AT THE TIMEA MELON,

NO, THAT ROTS TOO EASYY.

LADIES AND GENTLEMEN, I

PRESENT TO YOU THE KEY TO

ENDURING PEACE AND STABILITY

IN OUR COUNTRY FOR YEARS TO

COME, A CROP AS ADDICTIVE AS

HEARTY, BEHOLD, CRACKTUS.

YOU'RE WELCOME.

(APPLAUSE)

(CHEERS AND APPLAUSE)

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