TIME Magazine's U.S. Edition

  • Aired:  02/14/12
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TIME Magazine's American issues feature soft cover stories, while their international issues offer hard-hitting world news. (3:31)

(CHEERS AND APPLAUSE)

WELCOME BACK.

NOW, IN RECENT YEARS WE

AMERICANS HAVE BEEN SURPRISED A

LOT BY THINGS HAPPENING TO US.

(LAUGHTER)

THE BANKING CRISIS NO ONE SAW

COMING DESPITE TWO 24-HOUR

BUSINESS NEWS NETWORKS.

TERROR ATTACKS THAT NO ONE COULD

HAVE PREDICTED EXCEPT FROM THE

THREATS.

THE DISCOVERY THAT WHILE IRAQ

HAD NO CONNECTION WITH THOSE

ATTACKS, IT DID HAVE NOT ONE BUT

TWO TYPES OF MUSLIMS.

(LAUGHTER)

THE TRADITIONAL AND ZESTY.

(LAUGHTER)

THAT'S WHY WE COUNT ON OUR NEWS

WEEKLY MAGAZINES TO PROVIDE

CONTEXT TO THE DAY-TO-DAY NEWS

CYCLE.

THAT'S DIFFICULT.

IT'S TOO FAST.

TAKE THIS WEEK'S "TIME"

MAGAZINE.

IT'S GOTTEN A IN-DEPTH PIECE ON

ITALY'S NEW PRIME MINISTER MARIO

MONTY AND HIS WORK TO FIX

EUROPE'S ECONOMY.

IT'S A VERY IMPORTANT STORY.

ALL WHILE MAINTAINING HIS

CUNNING DISGUISE AS A MAN IN A

STOCK PHOTO FOR A HEART DISEASE

AD.

(LAUGHTER)

IT'S ACTUALLY COVER STORY IN

THYME'S EUROPEAN EDITION AND

THEIR ASIAN EDITION AND THEIR

SOUTH PACIFIC EDITION AND, OF

COURSE, RIGHT HERE IN AMERICA

IT'S... YOU KNOW WHAT, I DON'T

RECALL THAT BEING THE COVER.

WHAT WAS THIS WEEK'S U.S.

EDITION AGAIN?

I CAN'T REMEMBER.

(AUDIENCE REACTS)

YOU'RE RIGHT, I'M SORRY.

WHO'S A TERRIBLE COVER STORY?

YOU ARE!

YOU'RE A TERRIBLE COVER STORY!

YES, YOU TIER WORST!

YOU'RE THE WORST COVER STORY.

I'M NOT SAYING "TIME" HAS A LOW

OPINION OF IT AMERICAN READERS

BUT WHEN THE "HIGHLIGHTS" FOR

CHILDREN GOT PITCHED THE SAME

THEY SAID "ITIS A LITTLE SOFT,

ISN'T IT?

OUR READERS ARE KIDS BUT, YOU

KNOW THEY'VE GOT HEADS."

"TIME'S" BEEN ON A ROLL WITH

THIS (BLEEP).

TWO MONTHS AGO, DECEMBER, 2011,

INTERNATIONAL EDITIONS DO THE

ARAB SPRING.

DRAMATIC, HISTORIC.

THE U.S. ISSUE: WHY ANXIETY IS

GOOD FOR YOU.

APPARENTLY, ANXIETY ISN'T GOOD

ENOUGH FOR YOU THAT YOU'D WANT

TO READ ABOUT ANGRY ARABS.

(LAUGHTER)

OR AUGUST, 2011, THE

INTERNATIONAL EDITIONS GO WITH

TRAVELS THROUGH ISLAM.

A CHANCE TO EXPAND OUR KNOWLEDGE

OF WORLD CULTURE.

SAME WEEK IN THE UNITED STATES,

"CHORE WARS."

BECAUSE MY GRASP OF ISLAM CAN

WAIT UNTIL I KNOW WHY EMPTYING

THE DIAPER PAIL IS SUDDENLY MY

(BLEEP)ING JOB.

(LAUGHTER)

TOUGH TIME TIMES.

REMEMBER THIS, "TIME" MAGAZINE?

WE WERE YOUR PEOPLE OF THE YEAR!

WE THOUGHT THAT YOU THOUGHT WE

HAD SOMETHING SPECIAL!

YOU MADE US YOUR... I KNOW WHY

YOU DID IT.

YOU THOUGHT YOU COULD SELL MORE

COPIES IF YOU PUT SOMETHING

SHINY ON THE COVER.

(LAUGHTER)

(LAUGHS)

OH, I HAVE A PUNCHING BAG IF MY

MOUTH.

WELL, THANK GOD OTHER

PUBLICATIONS ARE PICKING UP THE

HARD NEWS SLACK, LIKE THE REPORT

ON THE GREEK AUSTERITY RISE AND

THE CURRENT CAT FANCY AND, OF

COURSE, THE FIRST EVER "SPORTS

ILLUSTRATED" SWIMSUIT ISSUE TO

BE SHOT IN WAR-TORN SYRIA.

IS IT THEIR BIGGEST SELLER OF

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