Stock & Awe

  • Aired:  10/27/11
  •  | Views: 68,734

Europe's financial crisis threatens to decimate the global economy, so Jon exercises his contractual doomsday clause with help from The Best F#@king News Team Ever. (4:23)

(CHEERS AND APPLAUSE)

>> Jon: WELCOME BACK.

I'M IN A GREAT MOOD.

THE LEAVES ARE CHANGING

COLORS.

I'M EXCITED THIS TIME OF

YEAR IS MY FAVORITE TIME.

I GOT ALL THE PIECES FROM MY

STEAMPUNK SPONGEBOB COSTUME.

HELLO.

BUT THESE'S DAY THOSE ONE IS

THINKING ABOUT HALLOWEEN.

THEY ARE THINKING ABOUT THE

ECONOMY.

THE FINANCIAL CRISIS IN

EUROPE THREATENING TO BRING

DOWN THE GLOBAL BANKING

SYSTEM.

>> THE DEAL HAS FINALLY BEEN

REACHED TO TACKLE THE EU'S

FINANCIAL CRISIS.

>> THE HARD WON EUROPEAN

AGREEMENT TRANSLATED INTO A

HUGE DAY FOR U.S. STOCKS.

>> THE DOW UP 300-- 340

POINTS WOULD HUAI IT'S OVER,

CHAMPAGNE AND CALFIER FOR

EVERYBODY.

WHOOO, WHOOO, WHOOO.

PEOPLE PAY BIG MONEY TO HAVE

THE FISH [BLEEP] ON THEIR

TONGUE?

(LAUGHTER)

-- OWES ME AN APOLOGY.

SO A GREAT DAY ON WALL

STREET ON NEWS OF EUROPE,

WE'RE UP LIKE 340 POINTS.

SO MUCH BETTER THAN 48 HOURS

AGO.

ALSO ON NEWS ON EUROPE.

>> STOCKS FELL 207 POINTS

OVER FEARS THE EUROPEAN DEBT

AND BANK CRISIS SOLUTION IS

NOWHERE IN SIGHT.

>> Jon: YEAH THAT WAS A BAD

DAY.

I REMEMBER THAT DAY WAS ALL

OVER FOR ME.

I WAS OUT BLOWING DOGS ON

THE STREET FOR SPARE CHANGE.

(LAUGHTER)

ONLY TO DISCOVER THAT DOG

CURRENCY IS NOT LEGAL

TENDER.

(LAUGHTER)

THE FISH [BLEEP] SALT S THAT

WHAT THEY DO?

(LAUGHTER)

SO THAT WAS THE OPPOSITE OF

WALL STREET'S FRIDAY, WHICH

WAS ALSO BASED ON NEWS OF

EUROPE.

>> THE MARKET RIGHT NOW

JUMPING TODAY ON NEWS FRANCE

AND GERMANY HAVE AGREED TO

BOOST ITS BAILOUT FUND.

THE DOW ENDED UP 180 POINTS.

>> Jon: WHOO-HOO.

WE PARTIED SO HARD THAT

NIGHT.

I WAS DOING COKE WITH A

20-YEAR-OLD MODEL.

SO MUCH BETTER THAN THE

PREVIOUS TUESDAY'S NEWS FROM

EUROPE.

>> THERE'S A LITTLE BIT OF

WORRY ABOUT WHETHER SLOVAKIA.

>> WILL AGREE TO PONY UP ITS

SHARE OF THE EUROPEAN

BAILOUT MONEY.

>> DOWN 47 POINTS.

>> Jon: I STILL PARTIED HARD

THAT NIGHT TOO, JUST CRACK

WITH A 62-YEAR-OLD FORMER

MODEL.

(LAUGHTER)

FORTUNATELY HE ACCEPTED DOG

MONEY.

(LAUGHTER)

BUT EVEN THAT WAS A MUCH

BETTER NIGHT THAN WALL

STREET HAD LAST MONDAY, YOU

KNOW, WHEN THEY GOT THAT

NEWS FROM EUROPE.

>> THE DOW DROPPED NEARLY

250 POINTS AFTER THE GERMAN

GOVERNOR PLAYED DOWN HOPES

THAT A SOLUTION TO EUROPE'S

DEBT CRISIS WAS IMMINENT.

>> Jon: THE END TIMES ARE

UPON US!

I HEARBY EXERCISE THE CLAUSE

IN MY COMEDY CENTRAL

CONTRACT THAT ALLOWS ME TO

EAT ONE CORRESPONDENT.

BRING ME MY FINAL MEAL.

BRIDGE IT TO ME!

>> NO, NO, NO, NO,.

NO, NO, NO.

NO, DON'T.

>> Jon: LET ME DO IT.

>> JON, NO, NO, DON'T DO IT

THERE'S NO NEED FOR THIS.

NO, GET DOWN.

BACK OFF, THERE'S NO NEED

FOR TO YOU DO THIS.

REMEMBER, THEY REACHED A

BAILOUT DEAL LAST NIGHT.

>> Jon: SO WHY IS THE MARKET

BEEN SO VOLATILE?

EVERYONE KNEW THIS BAILOUT

MEETING WAS TAKING PLACE

TODAY.

THEY KNEW THAT IS WHEN THEY

WOULD GET A FINAL ANSWER.

WHY DOES WALL STREET REACT

SO STRONGLY TO ALL THE

RUMORS FROM EUROPE AND

EVENTS FROM EUROPE.

>> IT IS OKAY, IT IS OKAY.

I CAN EXPLAIN ALL OF THAT.

THE MARKET IS RANDOM AND

UNPREDICTABLE.

ANYONE THAT CAN TELL YOU

THEY CAN PREDICT WHERE THE

MARKET IS GOING IN THE NEXT

10 DAYS OR 20 DAYS OR EVEN A

MONTH, THEY'RE LYING.

>> AS YOU CAN SEE, JON,

THESE ROYAL SWINGS ARE

COMPLETELY NORMAL.

THEY IS NOT ONLY-- [BLEEP].

>> Jon: WHAT?

>> WHAT ARE YOU DOING!

>> Jon: I'M SORRY.

(LAUGHTER)

I'M SORRY, I JUST-- THERE

MUST BE SOME BENEFIT TO THE

VOLATILITY ON WALL STREET,

YOU KNOW, FOR THEM.

>> THERE IS THIS.

>> ONE ARE THEY SAYING.

>> OH, THEY LOVE THE

VOLATILITY.

DON'T GET THAT WRONG.

OBVIOUSLY FOR THE AVERAGE

INVESTOR AS HOME, WE SWEAT

ALL THOSE BIG SWINGS BUT THE

TRADERS THEY COME EVERY DAY

TRYING TO MAKE MONEY AND

THEY MAKE MACHINE THE MORE

VOLATILITY THERE IS.

>> Jon: OH SO, UP OR DOWN

WIN OR LOSE, THEY STILL WIN.

THOSE PEOPLE ARE ANIMALS!

>> YOU ARE-- OVERREACTING TO

THIS SITUATION.

>> Jon: HMMMM.

(LAUGHTER)

>> I TOLD YOU-- .

>> Jon: WE'LL BE RIGHT BACK.

WE'LL SEE YOU IN A LITTLE

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