Human Extinction Watch - You Take It From Here, Apes

  • Aired:  05/20/14
  •  | Views: 170,556

A number of contenders emerge as likely causes for humanity's apocalyptic societal collapse. (7:17)

>> Jon: MILLIONS OF YEARSAGO...

(LAUGHTER)-- THE DINOSAURS BECAME EXTINCT.

I MEAN, 6,000 YEARS AGO.

LUCKILY, WE HUMANS ARE SMARTER.

NOT SMART ENOUGH TO STOP IT,BUT SMART ENOUGH TO KNOW ABOUT

IT IN ADVANCE.

IT'S THE SUBJECT OF OUR NEWSEGMENT.

HUMAN EXTINCTION WATCH: YOUTAKE IT FROM HERE APES.

(LAUGHTER)SO WHAT WILL ERASE US FROM THE

PLANET?

OUR FIRST CANDIDATE, PESTILENCE.

>> THE DEADLY MERS VIRUS THATCAUSES RESPIRATORY AND KIDNEY

PROBLEMS IS SPREADING WORLDWIDE.

>> MERS OR MIDDLE EASTERNRESPIRATORY SYNDROME IS A NEW,

IMPORTED DISEASE THAT STARTEDWITH CAMELS OVERSEAS!

(LAUGHTER)>> CAMELS! FIRST YOU CONVINCE

OUR CHILDREN THAT CIGARETTES ARECOOL, AND NOW THIS?

(LAUGHTER)SO ON A SCALE OF ZERO TO "WE'RE

ALL GONNA DIE", HOWCONTAGIOUS IS THIS MERS THING?

>> WE'VE BEEN TALKING WITHINVESTIGATORS HERE AT THE CDC

WHO ARE TRACKING THIS,AND THEY UNDERLINE THAT THIS HAS

SPREAD THROUGH EXTENDED CONTACT.

>> Jon: IT'S EXTENDED CONTACT.

OKAY, OKAY.

>> THE CDC SAY AN ILLLINOIS MANGOT THE VIRUS FROM AN INDIANA

HEALTHCARE WORKER WHO BROUGHT ITFROM THE MIDDLE EAST.

THEIR ONLY PHYSICAL CONTACT, AHANDSHAKE.

>> Jon: WAIT, WHAT?

SINCE WHEN DOES A HANDSHAKECOUNT AS "EXTENDED CONTACT"?

YOU BETTER TELL ME THEY WERESHAKING HANDS IN THANKS FOR THE

BLOWJOBS THEY JUST GAVE EACHOTHER.

I MUST SAY, MR. PETERSON,THAT WENT EXCEEDINGLY WELL.

YES, MR. JOHNSON, WONDERFULFELLATING. SAY HELLO TO THEWIFE!

YES, SAY HELLO TO THE -- ALLRIGHT.

LISTEN --(LAUGHTER)

HOW DO YOU KNOW THEY WEREN'TGIVING EACH OTHER ICE CREAM?

SO I GUESS THIS IS IT.

WE'RE TAKING THE MERS TRAININGTO EXTINCTION TOWN,

POPULATION US -->> OFFICIALS SAY THE

ORLANDO PATIENT IS CURRENTLYIN GOOD CONDITION.

>> THEY HAVE CONTACTED ALL OFTHE PEOPLE WHO WERE ON THE

FLIGHT WITH THAT PATIENT,AND THEY ARE ALL FINE.

>> IT MIGHT BE MORE TREATABLETHAN WE HAVE THOUGHT BEFORE..

>> SHOULD AMERICANS BE WORRIEDAT ALL?

>> YOU KNOW, NO.

>> Jon: OH, SO THIS MERSTHING IS LESS THE PANDEMIC

FROM CONTAGION AND MORE YOU'VEGOT MAIL HEAD COLD SITUATION.

I GUESS IF EARTH IS GOING TOWIPE US OUT,

SHE WILL HAVE TOFIND ANOTHER WAY.

>> SCIENTISTS WARN A LARGE PARTOF ANTARCTICA IS MELTING AND

CANNOT BE STOPPED.

>> Jon: THAT SOUNDSINTERESTING.

HOW DO WE REALLY KNOW IT'S NOTAPOCALYPTIC?

>> WE'RE PAST THE POINT OF NORETURN.

THE SCIENCE IS REAL, IT IS RUE.

>> Jon: OH MY GOD, WE'RE ALLGONNA DIE!

YOU KNOW IT'S SERIOUS IF SOMEONEON FOX NEWS JUST SAID "CLIMATE

CHANGE IS REAL"!

I BELIEVE THAT IS A SIGN OF THEAPOCALYPSE!

(APPLAUSE)I BELIEVE THAT MAY BE A QUOTE

FROM REVELATIONS!

AND LO, A PALE ANCHORFROM FOX, WOULD SPEAKETH THE

CLIMATE TRUTH.

AND THEN THE SEAS WOULD PART,SWALLOWING UP THE PEOPLE...

(LAUGHTER)THE BIBLE GETS HIGH-PITCHED WHEN

IT GETS LIKE THAT.

HOW FLOODY WILL THESE RISING SEALEVELS GONNA GET?

>> A 10-FOOT RISE IN SEA LEVELWOULD SUBMERGE TUNNELS AND

SUBWAYS HERE IN MANHATTAN ANDPARTS OF QUEENS AND BROOKLYN

>> Jon: NEW YORK DOESN'T NEEDSUBWAYS, NOT WITH THE NEW

CITI BOAT PROGRAM.

THAT LOOKS FUN.

I'M ALREADY LOOKING FORWARD TOTHIS SEA LEVEL EXTINCTION.

>> THIS ISN'T GOING TO HAPPENIMMEDIATELY. WE'RE TALKING

PROBABLY 200 TO 500 YEARS BEFORETHE WHOLE THING GOES.

>> Jon: OH.

WELL, I'M NOT GOING TO KNOW ANYOF THOSE PEOPLE.

(LAUGHTER)GOT ANY GLOBAL CATASTROPHES THAT

COULD AFFECT ME?

>> FIGHTING WORDS FROM THEMANAGER OF THE PHILADELPHIA

PHILLIES. RYNE SANDBERG SAYS HECAME DOWN WITH FOOD POISONING

AND LOST 6 POUNDS IN TWO DAYS,THIS AFTER EATING ONE OF THE

SHAKE SHACK BURGERS OVER THEWEEKEND IN QUEENS.

>> HOLE [BLEEP]. EATINGSHAKE SHACK BURGERS WHILE

WATCHING METS GAMES?THAT'S ALL I DO.

>> IF THAT'S THE CASE IT DIDNOT COME

FROM THE CITI FIELD LOCATIONS.

SO SHAKE SHACK OBVIOUSLY TRYINGTO FIGURE OUT WHATS HAPPENING

HERE.

>> I'LL TELL YOU WHAT'SHAPPENING HERE.

A GREAT NEW YORK RESTAURANT ISBEING SLANDERED BY SOME JACKOFF

FROM PHILADELPHIA.

APPARENTLY AFTER YEARS OFCHOKING DOWN WASTE BEEF

TRIMMINGS COATED IN LIQUIDCHEESE THE FLORA IN SANDBERG'S

TUM TUM COULDN'T HANDLE"ACTUAL" FOOD.

WHAT'S A MATTER, HALLOF FAME SECOND BASEMAN

RYNE SANDBERG WHOSEATHLETIC CAREER AND INTEGRITY

HAVE NEVER BEEN QUESTIONED?YOU'D RATHER HAVE ONE OF THESE?

HUH?

IS THAT WHAT YOU WOULD RATHERHAVE?

YEAH!

WHAT KIND OF CITY TAKES THEPARTS OF THE COW NORMAL PEOPLE

THROW AWAY, FRIES IT UP ON AHUNK OF BREAD AND BEFORE THEY

CAN CALL IT THEIRSIGNATURE DISH ASKS

DO YOU WANT ME TO PUT WHIZ ON

THAT?

I'LL TELL YOU, A CITY SO (BLEEP)DUMB, IT USES ITS ART MUSEUM AS

EXERCISE EQUIPMENT!YEAH, YOU HEARD ME!

A CITY SO, HOLD ON, ACITY SO FAMOUSLY [BLEEP]

NO ANIMAL, NO ANIMAL WOULD DEIGNTO ROOT

FOR ITS BASEBALL TEAM, FORCINGYOU TO GO WITH THIS (BLEEP) UP

JIM HENSON REJECT-LOOKING PIECEOF (BLEEP).

AND TELL ME THIS, YOULIBERTY-BELL WORSHIPPING

(BLEEP):HOLD ON A SECOND -- WHAT CITY IS

SO INSECURE IT HAS TO PUT ITSNAME ON CREAM CHEESE?

CREAM CHEESE!

A DISH THAT MAKES ITSELF IF YOULEAVE MILK OUT!

YOU DAIRY AISLE DONALD TRUMP(BLEEP)!

OKAY, YOU MADE A TOPPING FOR ABAGEL.

WHAT DO YOU WANT, A NOBEL PRIZE?

SERIOUSLY, THOUGH, THANKS FORSELLING THESE IN BRICK SHAPE.

IN CASE I WANTED TO BUILD MY OWNINTERNATIONAL HOUSE OF (BLEEP)

CREAM CHEESE.

YOU PHILLY PIECE OF (BLEEP).

(WHISPERING... )I ACTUALLY LOVE THESE.

YOU PHILLY PIECE OF (BLEEP)YOU QUIT YOUR WHINING SANDBURG!

YOU DON'T WANT DIARRHEA, MAYBEYOU SHOULDN'T COME TO A TOWN

CALLED FLUSHING.

(LAUGHTER)(CHEERS AND APPLAUSE)

WE'LL BE RIGHT BACK.

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