Back in Black - New York vs. Texas

  • Aired:  07/17/13
  •  | Views: 411,725

Rick Perry tries luring New York businesses to Texas, but Lewis Black is none too impressed with the Lone Star State. (6:36)

>> John: WELCOME BACK.

WHEN A NEWS STORY FALLS THROUGH

THE CRACK, LEWIS BLACK CATCHES

IT FOR A SEGMENT WE CALL "BACK

IN BLACK."

>> WHEN IT COMES TO POLITICIANS,

YOU MIGHT SAY I'M NOT A HUGE

FAN, BUT AS A COMEDIAN, THERE'S

ONE GUY I'VE COME TO LOVE.

>> THE THIRD AGENCY OF

GOVERNMENT I WOULD DO AWAY WITH

EDUCATION, THE... COMMERCE AND,

LET'S SEE... I CAN'T.

THE THIRD ONE I CAN'T.

SORRY.

>> GOVERNOR RICK PERRY OF TEXAS,

HE'S THE GIFT WHO HAS NO IDEA HE

KEEPS GIVING.

LAFTD LAUGHTER AND HE HAS GIVEN

ONCE AGAIN.

>> TEXAS GOVERNOR RICK PERRY

TOURS THE NATION.

HE'S TRYING TO LURE BUSINESSES

TO MOVE TO HIS STATE.

>> RICK PERRY'S TEXAS THROWDOWN

BEGAN WITH A 30-SECOND RADIO AD.

>> BECAUSE NOTHING SAYS WE'RE ON

THE CUTTING EDGE OF 21st

CENTURY BUSINESS LIKE AN AD ON

THE RADIO.

[LAUGHTER]

LET'S TAKE A LISTEN.

>> THIS IS TEXAS GOVERNOR RICK

PERRY, AND I HAVE A WORD OF

ADVICE FOR EMPLOYERS FRUSTRATED

BY ILLINOIS'S SHORT-SIGHTED

APPROACH TO BUSINESS: YOU NEED

TO GET OUT WHILE THERE'S STILL

TIME.

THE ESCAPE ROUTE LEADS STRAIGHT

TO TEXAS.

>> THAT'S RIGHT.

GOVERNOR PERRY IS TAKING OUT ADS

IN OTHER STATES TO TELL THOSE

STATES HOW MUCH THEY SUCK.

[LAUGHTER]

AND WHO DESERVES IT MORE THAN

ILLINOIS, A STATE THAT CAN'T

EVEN PRONOUNCE THE LETTER "S."

BUT RICK PERRY'S JOB-STEALING

TOUR DIDN'T STOP THERE.

>> BUILDING A BUSINESS IS TOUGH,

BUT I HEAR BUILDING A BUSINESS

IN CALIFORNIA IS NEXT TO

IMPOSSIBLE.

THIS IS TEXAS GOVERNOR RICK

PERRY, AND I HAVE A MESSAGE FOR

CALIFORNIA BUSINESSES: COME

CHECK OUT TEXAS.

[LAUGHTER]

>> SO NOW HE'S TAKING CALIFORNIA

JOBS.

RICK PERRY DOESN'T KNOW IT, BUT

HE JUST DOUBLED TEXAS' PORN

INDUSTRY AND TRIPLED ITS NUMBER

OF SKATE-BOARDING PANHANDLERS.

[LAUGHTER]

UNSURPRISINGLY, CALIFORNIA'S

GOVERNOR WAS NOT VERY HAPPY

ABOUT THIS.

>> CALIFORNIA GOVERNOR JERRY

BROWN IMMEDIATELY DISMISSED THE

SPOT AND THE MEDIA.

>> TAKE A LITTLE RADIO AD AND

ALL YOU GUYS RUN LIKE LAP DOGS

TO REPORT IT.

IT'S NOWHERE.

IT'S NOT A BURP.

IT'S BARELY A FART.

[LAUGHTER]

>> AND TRUST ME, IF THERE'S

ANYTHING A MAN JERRY BROWN'S AGE

KNOWS, IT'S THE DIFFERENCE

BETWEEN A BURDEN OF PROOF --

BURP AND A FART.

BUT THIS IS GREAT.

AND THE BEST PART IS RICK PERRY

HAS SO MANY CRAPPY STATES TO

CHOOSE FROM -- ARIZONA, ALASKA,

ARKANSAS, AND THAT'S JUST THE

"As."

>> FIRST IT WAS CALIFORNIA AND

ILLINOIS.

THIS WEEK TEXAS GOVERNOR RICK

PERRY TOOK HIS LONE STAR SWAGGER

TO NEW YORK.

>> WAIT.

WHAT?

YOU TALKING TO US?

WELL, I DON'T SEE ANY OTHER NEW

YORK HERE.

GO AHEAD, PERRY, TAKE YOUR BEST

SHOT.

>> IF YOU JUST TOOK THE BOOK OF

RULES AND REGULATIONS IN NEW

YORK STATE, IT'S 49,000 PAGES,

AND IT'S ONE OF THE REASONS

SMALL BUSINESS OWNERS TELL US

NEW YORK IS SUCH HARD PLACE TO

DO BUSINESS.

>> MAIN STREET IS NOT LOOKING

GOOD.

>> IF YOU'RE TIRED OF THE SAME

OLD RECIPE OF OVERTAXATION,

OVERREGULATION AND FRIVOLOUS

LITIGATION, GET OUT BEFORE YOU

GO BROKE.

TEXAS IS CALLING.

>> TEXAS IS CALLING?

WELL, GOOD THING I'VE GOT CALLER

I.D.

[LAUGHTER]

LISTEN, TEXAS, TRYING TO STEAL

JOBS FROM ILLINOIS AND

CALIFORNIA IS ONE THING, BUT

YOU'RE GOING TO TRY TO TRASH

TALK ABOUT NEW YORK?

NOT ON MY WATCH.

IT'S TIME TO FIGHT FIRE WITH

FIRE.

>> THIS IS NEW YORK, THE CITY

THAT NEVER SLEEPS.

PEOPLE COME HERE FROM ALL OVER

THE WORLD FOR THE FREEDOM TO

LIVE AS THEY CHOOSE, FOR THE

VARIETY OF CULTURES, BUT MOST OF

ALL FOR THE FACT THAT IT'S NOT

TEXAS.

YOU SAY EVERYTHING IS BIGGER IN

TEXAS?

WE HAVE A 300-FOOT GREEN BEE CON

OF LIBERTY AND YOU HAVE A

WHATEVER THE [BLEEPED] THIS

THING IS.

AND WHAT ABOUT THE FOOD?

WE CAN GET WHATEVER WHENEVER,

3:00 A.M., THEN HOW ABOUT AN

OMLETTE WITH A SIDE OF MEAT

LOAF?

IT'S 8:00 A.M., WELL THEN I'LL

TAKE A SLICE OF PIZZA WITH SUSHI

ON IT.

WHAT'S FOR LUNCH, VIETNAMESE,

CHINESE, ITALIAN?

TEXAS, CAN YOU EVEN SPELL THAT?

WE HAVE TWO BASEBALL TEAMS.

ONE IS THE BEST IN HISTORY, AND

THE OTHER WE KEEP JUST OUT OF

PITY.

YOU SAY WE'VE GOT TOO MUCH

REGULATION, WE'VE GOT WALL

STREET.

THEY BREAK THE LAW FOR A LIVING

AND NEVER GET PUNISHED.

NEW YORKERS GO TO THE BATHROOM

ANYWHERE THEY WANT.

WE LOVE THE SMELL OF URINE.

IT SMELLS LIKE FREEDOM.

I'M LEWIS BLACK.

NEW YORK IS MY CITY.

I SHARE IT WITH 8 MILLION PROUD,

AMAZING PEOPLE.

>> THIS IS MY CITY.

>> THIS IS OUR CITY.

>> THIS IS OUR CITY.

>> NEW YORK, OUR CITY.

>> THIS IS MY [BLEEPED] CITY.

>> WE MAY ALL COME FROM

DIFFERENT PLACES, BUT WE ALL

AGREE ON ONE THING.

[BLEEPED], TEXAS.

[BLEEPED], TEXAS.

>> [BLEEPED], TEXAS.

>> NO, NO, NO, NO TEXAS.

>> RICK PERRY, YOU ARE A

SCHMUCK.

>> REMEMBER THE ALAMO?

NEITHER DO WE.

[BLEEPED] TEXAS.

>> [SPEAKING CHINESE]

>> [SPEAKING ITALIAN]

>> [SPEAKING FOREIGN LANGUAGES]

>> DON'T MESS WITH TEXAS?

NO, DON'T [BLEEPED] WITH NEW

YORK.

[CHEERING AND APPLAUSE]

I'M LEWIS BLACK.

AND I APPROVED THIS MESSAGE.

JOHN?

>> John: THANK YOU, LEWIS.

LEWIS BLACK, EVERYBODY.

WE'L

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