O Holy Fight - A Jewish Christmas Carol

  • Aired:  12/12/12
  •  | Views: 114,869

The Best F#@king News Team Ever reveals an alternate future where Jon didn't grow up as the weird Jewish kid on Christmas. (6:15)

ENFORCEMENT PROGRAM IS GOING TO GET YOU TO THAT GOAL.

BUT YOU KNOW WHAT, MAYBE THAT GODLESS MAN IS RIGHT.

MAYBE THE GOVERNMENT SHOULD FORCE COMMUNITIES TO MAKE SURE ALL RELIGIONS ARE GIVEN EXACTLY,

EXACTLY EQUAL TREATMENT, EVEN LUTHERANS.

PERHAPS AS I SETLE INTO MY NORMAL MID-SHOW NAP, I CAN PONDER WHAT A WONDERFUL,

EQUITABLE WORLD THAT WOULD BE.

[SNORING]

[SPEAKING IN A GHOST VOICE]: JON, JON!

>> Jon: WHO ARE YOU?

[SPEAKING IN A GHOST VOICE]: I'M THE GHOST OF CHRISTMAS PAST.

>> Jon: WHY ARE YOU DRESSED AS A KINKY ZOMBIE?

>> YOUR GHOST FORM IS ALWAYS WEARING WHAT YOU DIE IN.

>> Jon: DID YOU DIE FROM AUTOEROTIC ASPHYXIATION?

IS THAT HOW...

>> NO, JON, I WAS HIT BY A BUS.

OKAY.

I WAS ON MY WAY TO A... YES.

OKAY.

I WAS...

[LAUGHTER]

[SPEAKING IN A GHOST VOICE]: BUT IT'S TIME TO LOOK AT YOUR PAST.

TAKE MY HAND, JON STEWART.

JON JON WE WILL FLY.

[SPEAKING IN A GHOST VOICE]: WE WILL FLY, FLY, FLY, JON.

>> Jon: FLY.

[SPEAKING IN A GHOST VOICE]: FLY, FLY.

>> Jon: THIS FEELS A LOT LIKE WALKING.

WHERE ARE WE?

THIS IS GOING TO BE EXCITING.

OH, MY GOD, THAT'S MY OLD MIDDLE SCHOOL.

[SPEAKING IN A GHOST VOICE]: THAT'S RIGHT, JON STEWART, BEHOLD.

>> I HAVE A MILLENNIUM FALCON FOR CHRISTMAS.

>> I GOT AN ELECTRIC GUITAR.

I GOT A NEW BIKE.

>> HEY, JON, WHAT DID YOU GET FOR HANUKKAH?

>> I GOT A POMEGRANATE.

>> A WHAT?

>> A POMEGRANATE.

IT'S A FRUIT.

YOU EAT THE SEEDS.

>> WHAT KIND OF DWEEB EATS SEEDS?

>> IT WAS THE SECOND NIGHT.

WE ALWAYS GET FRUIT.

[LAUGHTER]

[SPEAKING IN A GHOST VOICE]: GOOD TIMES.

>> Jon: NO, NOT GOOD TIMES.

EVERYBODY MADE FUN OF ME BECAUSE I BROUGHT FRUIT IN.

>> IT HAD A LOT OF VITAMIN K.

>> Jon: WHO ARE YOU?

>> SERIOUSLY?

HOW LONG HAVE I WORKED HERE?

>> Jon: NEW YORK I MEAN, IN THE BIT, WHO ARE YOU?

[SPEAKING IN A GHOST VOICE]: I AM THE ALTERNATE GHOST OF CHRISTMAS PAST.

WHAT IF YOU HAD YOUR WISH AND BEING A JEW AT CHRISTMAS WASN'T WEIRD AND ALL RELIGIONS WERE

TREATED THE SAME.

>> Jon: I DON'T KNOW, IT SOUNDS GREAT.

>> THESE GIFTS ARE GREAT.

BUT YOU KNOW WHAT WOULD BE EVEN BETTER?

>> 5,000-YEAR TRADITION CONNECTING ME TO MY ANCESTORS.

>> THAT'S WHAT I REALLY WANTED FOR CHRISTMAS.

>> HEY, JON.

>> AFTER SCHOOL CAN WE COME OVER YOUR HOUSE AND HELP YOU LIGHT THE MENORAH?

>> IT'S A PRETTY MEANINGFUL TRADITION.

OKAY.

YOU CAN COME.

>> [CHEERING]

>> WE'LL HAVE DREIDELS AND HYPOALLERGENIC LAT CAS.

>> JON, DO YOU SEE HOW POPULAR YOU COULD HAVE BEEN.

IS THAT REALLY WHAT YOU WANTED?

>> Jon: YES.

AND THEY'RE ALL HAVING POMEGRANATES.

>> BUT JON, YOUR SUFFERING BUILDS CHARACTER.

THINK OF ALL THE SURVIVOR SKILLS YOU DEVELOPED AS A PUT-UPON MINORITY?

>> >> Jon: LIKE WHAT?

>> LOW SELF-ESTEEM, SELF-LOATHING, THE INABILITY TO CONNECT EMOTIONALLY TO YOUR

FELLOW MAN.

DID YOU MENTION SELF-LOATHING.

>> Jon: SURE, SURE.

>> YOU WENT ON TO SUCCEED IN THE ONE FIELD THAT REWARDS THOSE QUALITIES.

>> Jon: COMEDY.

>> BINGO!

>> Jon: BEING A SAD, ISOLATED JEWISH KID WAS THE BEST THING THAT EVER HAPPENED TO ME.

I CAN'T BELIEVE...

[SPEAKING IN A GHOST VOICE]: NOT SO FAST.

>> THAT'S RIGHT.

DEAL WITH IT.

>> Jon: ALL RIGHT.

[SPEAKING IN A GHOST VOICE]: I AM THE GHOST...

>> Jon: WHAT KIND OF OLD-TIME GHOST CARRIES A SMARTPHONE?

>> IT'S A BLACKBERRY, JON, THIS THING IS ANCIENT.

>> Jon: ALL RIGHT, ALL RIGHT.

[SPEAKING IN A GHOST VOICE]: I'M THE GHOST OF CHRISTMAS PRESENT IF THAT POPULAR BOY GREW UP IN

YOUR PLACE.

BEHOLD.

>> Jon: OH, MY GOD.

I COULD HAVE BEEN...

>> THAT'S RIGHT, AMERICA'S THIRD JEWISH PRESIDENT.

UH-HUH.

AND THAT'S NOT ALL.

>> MR. PRESIDENT, SIGNING THIS BILL WILL END POVERTY IN THE UNITED STATES.

>> Jon: END POVERTY IN THE UNITED STATES.

WELL, I'LL DO IT, BUT I'LL MAKE IT QUICK BECAUSE, AS YOU KNOW, I'VE GOT A SUPER BOWL TO WIN.

AMERICA VERSUS AL QAEDA, AND I'M THE QUARTERBACK.

I COULD HAVE BEEN A PRESIDENT QUARTERBACK?

>> YEP.

WHAT ELSE WERE YOU GOING TO DO WHEN YOU QUIT THE E STREET BAND.

>> Jon: MOTHER [BLEEPED].

OH, MY GOD, ARE YOU SERIOUS?

>> I'M SO SERIOUS.

>> Jon: I COULD HAVE BEEN PRESIDENT.

>> NOT BAD FOR A 5'6" KID FROM CENTRAL JERSEY.

>> Jon: WAIT, SAY THAT AGAIN.

>> NOT BAD FROM A FOOTE SIX KID FROM CENTRAL JERSEY.

>> Jon: I'M NOT 5'6", I'M NINTH FOOF SEVEN.

>> NOT IN THIS WORLD YOU'RE NOT.

>> I'M GLAD TO BE A JEW AT CHRISTMAS.

I'M GLAD TO BE A JEW AT CHRISTMAS.

I'M GLAD TO BE -- I JUSTED THAT CRAZIEST DREAM.

AND IT TAUGHT ME THAT CHRISTMAS BELONGS TO ALL OF US BECAUSE ALL OF US CAN FIND SOMETHING IN IT

TO BE ANGRY ABOUT.

YOU THERE, BOY?

>> YES, SIR.

>> >> Jon: WHAT DAY IS IT?

>> TODAY?

WHY, BIT CHRISTMAS DAY, SIR.

>> Jon: THEN IT'S NOT TOO LATE.

HERE, TAKE THIS.

TAKE THIS COIN.

>> I WILL.

THANK YOU.

[LAUGHTER]

HOW DID YOU EVER BECOME QUARTERBACK?

>> Jon: HOW DID I EVER BECOME QUARTERBACK PRESIDENT?

>> I GOT IT RIGHT HERE, SIR, LOVELY COIN.

>> Jon: TAKE THIS AND GO BUY ME THE BIGGEST PEKING CUT IN ALL OF CHINA TOWN.

>> THAT I WILL, SIR, THAT I WILL.

>> Jon: THEN YOU AND ME ARE HAVING CHINESE FOOD AND GOING TO THE MOTHER [BLEEPED] MOVIES.

>> REALLY?

>> Jon: YEAH.

>> QUICK QUESTION, SIR.

MAY WE GO SEE "JACK REACHER," SIR?

>> YES, ABSOLUTELY.

>> OLD MAN STEWART.

>> Jon: IT'S GOING TO BE THE BEST CHRISTMAS FOR A JEW, EVER.

>> MAZEL TOV, GUV'NOR, MAZEL TOV.

I

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