Superbad

  • Aired:  11/16/11
  •  | Views: 181,443

The congressional super committee's failure to reach a deficit-cutting agreement could trigger sequestration, which combines sequestering and castration. (7:21)

>> Jon: WELCOME TO THE

REQUESTED DAILY SHOW."

MY NAME IS JON STEWART.

OUR GUEST TONIGHT, WE'RE VERY

EXCITED ABOUT THIS, ACTRESS,

AUGUST OALL-AROUND WONDERFUL

PERSON, DIANE KEATON WILL BE

JOINING US A LITTLE BIT LATER.

WE'RE VERY EXCITED ABOUT THAT.

( APPLAUSE )

DEAREST OPRAH...

( LAUGHTER )

WHY IS CHOCOLATE SO SINFUL?

LOOK, I'M NOT GOING TO LIE TO

YOU PEOPLE.

THAT'S NOT WHAT I'M HERE TO DO

TONIGHT.

I'M NOT HERE TO LIE TO YOU.

THE COUNTRY, THE UNITED STATES

OF AMERICA IS IN TROUBLE.

WE HAVE AN ENORMOUS DEFICIT, AND

WE ONLY HAVE UNTIL NOVEMBER 23,

ONE WE'LL FROM THIS VERY NIGHT

TO SLASH $1.2 TRILLION FROM THAT

DEFICIT OR WE WILL NOT GET OUR

INHERITANCE.

( LAUGHTER )

ACTUALLY, I THINK THAT'S A PLOT

FOR "BREWSTER'S MILLIONS."

MY POINT IS, IF WE ARE GOING TO

ACHIEVE THAT DEFICIT REDUCTION,

WE ARE GOING TO NEED A HERO.

>> MOST OF THE DEFICIT REDUCTION

WILL BE PROPOSED BY A SO-CALLED

SUPER COMMITTEE.

>> Jon: AH, YES, THE SUPER

COMMITTEE.

A GROUP OF 12 LAWMAKERS WHO

GAINED THEIR POWERS AFTER HAVING

BEEN BITTEN BY A RADIOACTIVE

ACCOUNTANT AND ARE NOW CALLED

UPON TO SLASH OUR DEFICITS.

GO FORWARD, SUPER COMMITTEE.

THE FATE OF THE NATION IS IN

YOUR HANDS.

>> THE SUPER COMMITTEE CAN'T

EVEN AGREE ON ANYTHING.

>> THEY CAN'T EVEN AGREE ON

WHAT'S GOING ON AT THEIR

MEETs.

>> SOME COMPLAIN SENATOR JOHN

KERRY IS TALKING TOO MUCH IN THE

CLOSED DOOR MEETINGS?

>> Jon: REAL ESTATE!

>> Jon: REALLY!

JOHN KERRY TALKING TOO MUCH.

OF COURSE HE'S TALKING TOO MUCH.

THAT'S HIS SUPER POWER.

IT'S ALL HE'S GOT.

IT WOULD BE LIKE TELL THE FLASH

TO SLOW DOWN OR THE HULK NOT TO

GET SO ANGRY OR MR. FANTASTIC TO

STOP BLOWING HIMSELF.

( LAUGHTER ).

HE'S VERY LIMBER.

TREMENDOUSLY LIMBER.

( LAUGHTER )

BLOWS HIMSELF OFF.

I CAN'T BELIEVE HE'S FOUND THE

TIME TO STOP A SINGLE CRIME,

QUITE FRANKLY.

LAW ENFORCEMENTFRANK

( LAUGHTER )

I KNOW.

I HEAR YEAH.

I WOULDN'T BE HERE TONIGHT.

( LAUGHTER )

NOW, LOOK, I KNOW WHAT YOU'RE

ALL THINKING, PLEASE STOP

TALKING ABOUT SUPER HERO AUTO

FELLATION, POINT TAKEN.

SECOND, THE DEFICIT REDUCTION

SUPER COMMITTEE IS GOING TO END

UP LIKE ALL THE OTHERS.

THERE WAS LAST YEAR'S

BOWLES-SIMPSON COMMISSION,

PROPOSALSED $4 TRILLION.

THE DOMENICI-RIVAN TASK FORCE,

$6 TRILLION PROPOSED OVER NINE

YEARS, DIDN'T GET VOTED ON.

THE GANG OF SIX PROPOSED A $3.7

TRILLION CUT.

THE FIVE PEOPLE YOU MEET IN

HEAVEN, $2.4 TRILLION IN CUTS.

THE THREE 10 ORGANIZE DEPUTY 6.9

TRILLION.

>> THIS TIME IT'S GOING TO BE

DIFFERENT.

THIS TIME FAILURE IS NOT AN

OPTION.

>> IF THIS SUPER COMMITTEE FAILS

TO COME UP WITH A PLAN THAT

CONGRESS PASSES INTO LAW, THAT

SET OFF A TRIGGER, AUTOMATICALLY

CUTTING $1.2 TRILLION FROM THE

PENTAGON, MEDICARE PROVIDERS AND

OTHER PROGRAMS.

>> THIS PLAN CALLS FOR A

TREMENDOUS AMOUNT OF PAIN.

>> IT'S REALLY THE NEW DOOMSDAY

SCENARIO.

>> YOU CAN ALMOST SEE THE TRAIN

WRECK COMING ON THIS.

>> Jon: I WISH THERE WAS A

WORD THAT REFLECTED THIS

TERRIBLE OUTCOME, JUST ONE WORD.

I KNOW THE GERMANS WOULD HAVE

ONE OF THOSE.

YOU KNOW, THEY'D BE LIKE FRANKEN

STICANNEN LAGER, BUT THE TRAIN

COMING TO DESTROY US IF THE

SUPER COMMITTEE DOESN'T COME TO

AN AGREEMENT.

>> SEQUESTRATION.

>> SEQUESTRATION.

>> SEQUESTRATION.

>> Jon: AH.

( LAUGHTER )

FAILURE WOULD TRIGGER

SEQUESTRATION, A PROCESS THAT

COMBINES CONGRESS'

LEAST-FAVORITE THINGS --

SEQUESTERING AND CASTRATION.

( LAUGHTER )

( APPLAUSE )

AND THAT IS WHAT MAKES THIS

PROCESS-- REALLY, WHEN YOU HEAR

THAT WORD, YOU ALMOST

AUTOMATICALLY COVER YOUR

GENITALS.

I DON'T KNOW WHY.

AND THAT IS WHAT MAKES THIS

DEFICIT REDUCTION PROCESS

DIFFERENT FROM ALL THE OTHER

PROCESSES.

CONGRESS ITSELF HAS CREATED A

MECHANISM BY WHICH FAILURE TO

ACCOMPLISH ITS GOAL WOULD

TRIGGER CATASTROPHIC, AUTOMATIC

CUT.

IT IS IRONCLAD, A DECREE SENT

DOWN FROM SINAI THEMSELVES.

I'D LIKE TO SEE THEM WIGGLE

THEIR WAY OUT OF THIS ONE.

>> THE SEQUESTRATION IS NOT

ENGRAVED ON GOLDEN TABLETS.

( LAUGHTER ).

>> Jon: I'M SORRY, SAY WHAT

NOW, THERE'S A TRIGGER.

TRIGGERS CAN'T BE UNTRIGGERRED.

>> TRININGERS CAN BE

UNTRIGGERRED.

>> LINDSEY GRAHAM SAID HE'LL

INTRODUCE A BILL TO REPEAL THE

TRIGGER.

>> SENATOR TOOMEY IS SUGGESTING

MAYBE THERE WILL NOT BE THOSE

AUTOMATIC CUTS.

>> Jon: YOU KNOW, CONGRESS,

THIS IS WHY PEOPLE DON'T LIKE

YOU.

( LAUGHTER )

I KNOW ENOUGH ABOUT SOCIETY TO

KNOW YOU CANNOT GIVE PEOPLE THE

POWER TO BOTH PENALIZE AND

ABSOLVE THEMSELVES.

WE WOULD ALWAYS CHOOSE

ABSOLUTION.

HERE'S A MOVIE NOBODY WOULD

WATCH.

THIS BUS WILL BLOW UP IF IT GOES

UNDER 55 MILES PER HOUR!

WELL, WE'RE ALREADY UNDER 55.

ANOTHER HOW ABOUT 50 MILES AN

HOUR?

( LAUGHTER )

CAN YOU MAKE IT 45?

SURE, WHATEVER, THERE'S NO

( BLEEP ) BOMB, IS WHAT I'M

SAYING.

( APPLAUSE )

YOU KNOW, IT'S STUFF LIKE THIS

THAT MAKES ME REALLY BEGIN TO

DOUBT-- IT REALLY MAKES ME BEGIN

TO DOUBT CONGRESS' ABILITY TO

WORK TOGETHER TOWARDS A COMMON

GOAL.

IS THERE ANYTHING THAT THESE

FOLKS CAN ACTUALLY GET DONE?

>> CONGRESS RELEASED A NEW

SPENDING BILL LAST NIGHT THAT

CHANGES PRESIDENT OBAMA'S PLANS

TO MAKE SCHOOL LUNCHES

HEALTHIER.

THE NEW BILL KEEPS FRENCH FRIES

ON THE MENU AT SCHOOL.

IT ERIS RACES THE REQUIREMENT TO

BOOST WHOLE GRAINS AND CALLS THE

TOMATO PASTE ON PIZZAS A

VEGETABLE.

>> Jon: SO THE ONE THING

THAT YOU'VE ALL BEEN ABLE TO SIT

DOWN AND AGREE UPON IS THAT

PIZZA IS A VEGETABLE.

( LAUGHTER )

CLEARLY, ARE YOU IN THE POCKET

OF BIG HOT POCKET.

( LAUGHTER )

BY THE WAY, WHO EVEN ASKED YOU

TO DO THAT?

>> THE CHANGES WERE REQUESTED BY

FOOD COMPANIES THAT MAKE FROZEN

PIZZAS AND BY POTATO GROWERS.

>> Jon: AH.

IT'S NOT DEMOCRACY.

IT'S DID

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