Too Big to Mail

  • Aired:  12/15/11
  •  | Views: 78,943

Wyatt Cenac discovers that there is no euphemism for masturbation that accurately describes what Congress is doing to the post office. (5:15)

>> Jon: WELCOME BACK.

EVERYBODY KNOWS THE

EXPRESSION, NEITHER RAIN NOR

SNOW NOR SLEET NOR HAIL

SHALL KEEP THE POSTMAN FROM

THEIR APPOINTED ROUNDS.

IT DOES TURN OUT THAT

PRECIPITATION IN A VARIETY

OF TEMPERATURES ISN'T THE

ONLY THREAT TO MAIL.

WYATT CENAC HAS MORE.

>> THE POST OFFICE,

EVERYBODY LOVES IT, FOR JUST

44 CENTS THEY'LL DELIVER

YOUR MAIL ANYWHERE, WHETHER

IT'S WISHING SOMEONE A MERRY

CHRISTMAS OR FLIRTING WITH

PRISONERS.

BUT THAT TIME MAY BE OVER.

>> DEEP IN DEBT AND FACING

HUNDREDS OF THOUSANDS OF

LAYOFFS, IT'S NO SECRET THE

U.S. POSTAL SERVICE IS

DESPERATE TO STAY AFLOAT.

>> Reporter: THESE ARE TOUGH

TIMES FOR PRESIDENT OF THE

POSTAL WORKERS UNION CLIFF

GUTHIE.

>> THE POST SERVICE SAY

GREAT LADY, WHERE THE FLAG

FLIES IN AMERICA N ALL THESE

SMALL COMMUNITIES.

TO START BACKING THAT,

SOLELY FOR BUDGETARY

CONSTRAINTS, I THINK IT'S

KIND OF ADD IN A WAY.

>> BUT YOU'RE SAYING WE

DON'T NEED TO BACK THAT LADY

THAT LADY, LET'S JUST SLOWLY

CHOKE HER OUT.

>> CHOKE HER OUT OR I DON'T

THINK THAT'S THE PROPER TERM

EITHER.

>> THE TRUTH IS THERE'S

PROBABLY NO I HAD YOM FOR

MASTURBATION WHICH COULD

EXPLAIN WHAT CONGRESS IS

DOING WITH THE POST OFFICE,

BUT HERE ARE JUST SOME OF

THE WAY THESE WOULD LIKE TO

[BLEEP] IT.

>> ELIMINATING SATURDAY

DELIVERY, CLOSE 3700 POSTAL

LOCATIONS, LAYOFF 120,000

WORKERS.

>> THAT'S CLEARLY NOT THE

WILL OF THE PEOPLE.

>> MOST AMERICANS WANT THE

SERVICE.

BUT THE REALITY IS WE MAY

NOT HAVE TEN MORE YEARS WITH

THE POST OFFICE.

>> TEN YEARS.

>> I WENT TO ANY TOWN NEW

JERSEY TO WARN THE MASSES.

>> THE POST OFFICE IS IN

DANGER.

>> IN DANGER OF WHAT?

>> OF RUNNING OUT OF

BUSINESS.

>> I'M TIRED OF SORTING

THROUGH THE MAIL AND

BASICALLY FINDING NOTHING

AND JUST CHUCKING IT ALL.

>> 90% OF THE TIME IT ENDS

UP ON SOMEWHERE ON THE STOOP,

USUALLY IN A PUDDLE.

>> WE GET SOMETHING LIKE 30

PIECES AV JUNK MAIL A DAY

COMING TO THIS HOUSE.

SO I HAVE TO PAY THE POST

OFFICE NOT TO SEND THE MAIL

TO THE HOUSE.

>> WAIT A MINUTE, YOU PAY

THE POST OFFICE NOT TO SEND

YOU MAIL.

>> YEAH, I HAD TO GET A PO

BOX.

>> WHERE ARE YOU GOING TO

GET YOUR MAIL?

>> E-MAIL.

>> JUST HOW BAD IS IT FOR

THE POST OFFICE?

>> I WROTE A SONG WITH MY

BUSINESS PARTNER, WHICH WAS

DEALING WITH OUR FRUSTRATION

ON HOW WE DEAL WITH THE U.S.

POST OFFICE IN OUR BUSINESS

LIVES.

>> THAT'S RIGHT, IT'S SO BAD,

A LADY I MET RANDOMLY WROTE

AND RECORDED A SONG ABOUT

HER HATRED OF THE POST

OFFICE ♪ THAT'S NOT MY JOB ♪

♪ I'M SORRY ♪

♪ THIS MESSED UP YOUR DAY ♪

♪ THIS IS THE WORK FOR WHICH

YOU ARE PAID ♪

♪.

>> Reporter: MY GOD, THE

U.S. MAIL HAS LOST THE

MIDDLE AGE SUBURBAN WIGGER

MOM.

>> ♪ THAT'S MOTT MY JOB ♪

♪.

>> HOW MANY LETTER DOES I

HAVE TO WRITE YOU TO NEVER

HEAR THAT SONG AGAIN?

>> EVERYWHERE I LOOK THE

POST OFFICE WAS OUTNUMBERED.

>> GET OUT OF HERE.

GET OUT.

THIS IS POST OFFICE

TERRITORY, GET OUT OF HERE.

>> EVEN THE POSTMASTER

GENERAL IS URGING WIDE

SPREAD LAYOFFS AND CLOSINGS

BY NEXT YEAR.

LUCKILY CLIFF HAD THE

PERFECT WAY TO REBOOT THE

U.S. PS.

>> THAT MAY BE THE NEXT STEP

FOR THE UNION IS TO YOU KNOW

PUT COMMERCIALS OUT THERE

SAYING SEND YOUR MOM A

LETTER.

IT WOULD BE A NOBEL EFFORT

IN THIS COUNTRY FOR PEOPLE

TO START WRITING LETTERS

AGAIN.

>> SO WITH WHAT LOOKS LIKE

AN AD FOR VAGISIL, THE POST

OFFICE PRODUCED THIS

COMMERCIAL ENCOURAGING

PEOPLE TO USE THE MAIL.

>> GIVE YOUR CUSTOMERS THE

ADDED FEELING OF SECURITY A

PRINTED RECEIPT PROVIDES

WITH MAIL.

>> THAT'S YOUR PITCH, U.S.

MAIL, WE GIVE YOU A RECEIPT.

IF WE'RE GOING TO DO THIS WE

WOULD HAVE TO MAKE THE MAIL

COOL AGAIN.

AND I KNEW JUST HOW TO DO

IT.

>> ACTION!

>> HI, I'M HAROLD.

>> AND I'M KUMAR.

>> SAVE THE MAIL.

>> WHAT'S UP, MAIL.

>> MAIL!

>> MAIL!

>> YOU MUST BE KRASESY NOT

TO WANT TO SAVE THE POST

OFFICE.

>> YOU BET, CELO AND YOU

KNOW WHO ELSE IS A BIG MAIL

FAN, CHRISTINA AGUILERA.

>> HUH?

SHE'S NOT DOING THIS.

>> MAIL!

>> IT'S LIKE TEXTING WITH A

PENCIL.

>> SAVE THE MAIL!

>> TELL THEM TONY HAWK.

>> MAIL IS GNARLEY.

>> WITHOUT MAIL YOU COULDN'T

DO THIS.

>> SO USE YOUR VOICE TO SAVE

THE MAIL.

>> THIS JUST HAS TAKEN MY

MAIL FROM ME ♪

♪ AND DELIVERED ♪

♪ IT TO SOMEONE ELSE ♪

♪.

>> MAIL!

YOU CAN SHIP YOUR WEED.

>> YES.

>> NO, THAT'S FEDEX.

>> FEDEX SUCKS.

>> YOU KNOW WHY?

WITHOUT MAIL THE TREES WIN.

>> MAIL, JAMMING IN YOUR

BOX.

>> JAMMING IN YOUR BOX.

>> JAM'N IN YOUR BOX.

>> Reporter: WHAT DO YOU

THINK?

>> THAT SUCK?

>> WYATT

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