Brand-Name Politics

  • Aired:  08/05/14
  •  | Views: 28,186

Michael Che investigates American loyalty to political brand names such as "Clinton" and "Bush" and searches for a unique 2016 presidential candidate. (5:28)

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WELCOME BACK TO THE PROGRAM.

NOW, AS YOU KNOW, AMERICABELIEVES IN NAME BRANDS.

YOU'VE GOT YOUR FORD, YOURJOHNSON & JOHNSON, YOUR

KARDASHIAN. YOU KNOW WHATYOU'RE GOING TO GET.

BUT WHAT ABOUT WHEN IT COMES TOPOLITICS?

MICHAEL CHE HAS MORE.

>> AMERICA IS GRIPPED WITH A LOTOF UNCERTAINTY THESE DAYS, BUT

THE ELECTION 2016 WILL OFFER ABIT OF SECURITY.

>> I THINK SOMETHING THAT'SEXCITING ABOUT THE ELECTION

2016 IS YOU HAVE TWO BRANDSTHAT YOU KNOW -- HILLARY CLINTON

AND JEB BUSH.

>> THAT'S RIGHT, THE COKE ANDPEPSI OF POLITICS ARE BACK.

>> IF IT'S A CLINTON BRAND,YOU'RE ALL GOOD TO GO, A

BUSH BRAND, ALL GOOD TO GO.

>> SO OBAMA, HE'S LIKE A GENERICBRAND ALMOST, LIKE AN OFF BRAND?

>> YEAH, HE WAS BRAND THAT WEHAD NOT HEARD OF BEFORE.

>> WHEN I WAS A KID, I REMEMBERMY DAD GOT ME A FOUR-STRIPE

ADIDAS.

I DON'T WANT A FOUR-STRIPEADIDAS PRESIDENT.

>> I THINK WE CAN BOTH AGREE ONTHAT.

>> EXACTLY.

WHY WOULD YOU WANT TO SHOP FOR APRESIDENT AT FAMILY DOLLAR?

THANKFULLY 2016 WILL HAVE NAMESYOU CAN TRUST.

>> THIS IS EXCITING BECAUSE WEKNOW THE BRAND.

WE AIN'T GOT READ THE BROCHURE.YOU FEEL ME?

>> YOU'VE SEEN THE MOVIE.

YOU'RE JUST WAITING FOR THESEQUEL TO COME OUT.

>> WE TRIED OUR BLACK GUY PHASE.

IT'S OVER.

NOW WE NEED TO GET BACK TO WHATWORKS.

>> WHICH IS CLINTON OR BUSH.

>> I WAS GOING TO SAY WHITEDUDES.

>> WELL, OR WHITE WOMEN.

>> YET SOME, LIKE POLITICALSCIENTIST JONATHAN ZIMMERMAN,

REFUSE TO ACKNOWLEDGE ALL THETIME THAT COULD BE SAVED BY

GOING WITH THE NAME YOU KNOW.

>> WE DON'T NEED A BRAND NAME INTHE WHITE HOUSE.

IT'S A GIANT COUNTRY AND WESHOULD BE CASTING THE WIDEST

POSSIBLE NET IN TRYING TO FINDABLE LEADERS FOR OURSELVES.

IT DOESN'T MATTER WHAT THEIRNAME OR THEIR BLOOD LINE IS.

>> WOULD YOU VOTE FOR PHILIPHITLER?

[LAUGHTER]>> I DON'T THINK ANYBODY NAMED

HITLER IS GOING TO RUN FORPRESIDENT OR ANYTHING ELSE.

>> CAUSE THAT BRAND IS RUINED.

>> I WOULDN'T PERSONALLY CAREWHAT THE GUY'S NAME WAS.

>> YOU WOULDN'T CARE WHAT PHILHITLER'S NAME WAS?

>> NO.

BUT LOTS OVER PEOPLE WOULD, ANDPHIL HITLER, OUR IMAGINARY PHIL

HITLER WOULD KNOW THAT, SO HEWOULD RUN AS PHIL HOOVER OR...

>> WHAT ABOUT FRED BIN LADEN?

>> I DON'T THINK HE WOULD DOTHAT.

>> YES, THE GREAT FAMILY NAMESOF THIS COUNTRY TELL US WHO WE

ARE AS A NATION.

SO WHAT WOULD YOU RATHER EAT,THIS DELICIOUS, SUCCULENT

McDONALD'S BURGER, OR THISBURGER MADE BY SOME DUDE WHO HAS

BEEN CRAFTING BURGERS WITH ALLORGANIC HANDMADE INGREDIENTS?

>> THE BURGER CRAFTED BY THEORGANIC CRAFTSMAN DUDE, OF

COURSE.

>> GIVE ME A COKE, SOME FRENCHFRIES, THAT McDONALD'S

HAMBURGER, I'M DONE.

>> SADLY OTHER'S SHAREZIMMERMAN'S DANGEROUS POINT OF

VIEW.

>> IF WE CAN'T FIND MORE THANTWO OR THREE FAMILIES TO RUN FOR

HIGH OFFICE, THAT'S SILLY.

>> WHAT IF ZIMMERMAN AND BABSARE RIGHT?

MAYBE WE SHOULDN'T JUST DEPENDON TWO OR THREE FAMILIES.

THERE HAD TO BE SOMEONE ELSE OUTTHERE, BUT WHO?

>> I AM THE GREAT, GREAT, GREATGRANDDAUGHTER OF OUR EIGHTH

PRESIDENT, MARTIN VAN BUREN.

[LAUGHTER]>> I DON'T SEE IT.

OH, WAIT.

OH, YEAH, I SEE IT NOW.

YOU GOT THE WHOLE THING.

THAT MAKES SENSE.

LILY VAN BUREN WAS PERFECT, ANOFFSPRING OF A PRESIDENT SO

FORGETTABLE HE WOULDN'T OFFENDTHE LEFT OR THE RIGHT.

NOW, OBVIOUSLY THE VAN BURENNAME IS SYNONYMOUS WITH... WHAT

IS IT SYNONYMOUS WITH?

I DON'T REALLY KNOW.

>> INTEGRITY.

>> OKAY.

>> INBRED LEADERSHIP QUALITIES.

>> YOU MIGHT WANT TO STAY AWAYFROM "INBRED," BUT GO ON.

>> OH YEAH, SO, MARTIN VAN BURENHAD THE GIFT OF LEADERSHIP.

>> SHE HAD TO RUN.

THE ONLY THING LEFT TO DO WAS TOTEST THIS NEW-OLD BRAND IN FRONT

OF THE PEOPLE THAT MATTEREDMOST, POTENTIAL STAFFERS WHO'D

WORK FOR FREE.

I BRING TO YOU THE NEXTPRESIDENT OF THE UNITED STATES,

LILY VAN BUREN.

[APPLAUSE]>> MY FELLOW AMERICANS, ARE YOU

BETTER OFF NOW THAN YOU WERE 126YEARS AGO?

I WILL FREE AMERICA FROM ITSDEPENDENCE ON BIG WHALE OIL.

WE WILL STOP THE PERSIAN EMPIREFROM GETTING THE GATLIN GUN.

YES, WE VAN.

>> THAT'S RIGHT. YES WE VAN.

>> IT WAS A SUCCESS.

LOOK OUT, JEB, HILLARY AND PHILHITLER, THIS CLASSIC AMERICAN

BRAND IS BACK.

>> IT'S ALL ABOUT THE NAME ANDYOU HAVE THE NAME.

SO THANK YOU SO MUCH, LILY VANBUREN.

>> WELL, ON MY DRIVER'S LICENSE,I'M MARY LEE WITMER.

>> WAIT.

WHAT?

WITMER.

>> WITMER. THAT'S MY MARRIEDNAME.

>> WELL, CLOSE ENOUGH.

>> Jon: MICHAEL CHE. WE'LL BERIGHT BACK.

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