The Great Gall of China & Last in Space

  • Aired:  02/04/13
  •  | Views: 24,883

Chinese hackers reportedly steal the e-mail passwords of New York Times employees, and Iran constructs the first all-primate orbital cosmetic surgery spa. (4:03)

( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE )

>> Jon: WELCOME BACK.

WHILE WATCHING THE SUPER BOWL, AMERICANS ALWAYS KEEP ONE EYE OR TWO ON OUR BIGGEST RIVALS

ABROAD: IRAN AND CHINA.

TAKE YOUR EYES OFF ONE SECOND AND THEY START PULLING STUFF.

CHINA, LAST WEEK

>> THE "NEW YORK TIMES" SAYS HACKERS HAVE BEEN ATTACKING HIS COMPUTER SYSTEM FOR THE PAST

FOUR MONTHS.

>> CHINESE HACKERS REPORTEDLY STOLE E-MAIL PASSWORDS FOR EVERY SINGLE "NEW YORK TIMES" EMPLOYEE.

>> Jon: THAT'S IT?

THAT'S YOUR BIG ATTACK?

YOU'RE THE GUYS WHO BEAT THE

[BLEEP] OUT OF US IN MATH AND SCIENCE.

YOU SEND YOUR ELITE HACKER SQUAD OUT AND ALL THEY GET IS MAUREEN DOWD'S EMAIL ADDRESS.

IT'S LIKE TRYING TO STARVE US BY DISRUPTING OUR VEGETABLE SUPPLY.

YOU WANT OUR ATTENTION, HACK OUR TV NEWS.

>> TODAY AS CNN TRIED TO COVER THE NEWS ABOUT THE HACKING STORY, THE CHINESE GOVERNMENT

BLACKED OUT THE STORY.

>> CHINA IS LITERALLY WATCHING CNN ON AIR WITH THE FINGER ON A BUTTON

>> Jon: THAT'S NOT JUST THE CHINESE.

THAT'S PRETTY MUCH HOW WE ALL WATCH CNN.

>> I'M WOLF BLITZER.

YOU'RE IN THE...

>> Jon: (JON HITS BUTTON).

( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ) I HAVE TO SAY, CHINA, I'M NOT FEELING THAT THREATENED.

MAYBE IRAN COULD PICK UP THE SLACK.

>> NOW THE GREATEST ACHIEVEMENTS OF IRAN'S SPACE PROGRAM TO DATE, THE ISLAMIC REPUBLIC ENTERS A

MONKEY INTO SPACE AND RECOVERS HIS SAFELY.

>> Jon: OR YOU COULD SHOOT A MONKEY INTO SPACE.

NO ONE WAS MORE EXCITED ABOUT THIS THAN THE MONKEY HIMSELF.

SEEN HERE DOING HIS IMPRESSION OF HANS SOLO IN CARBONITE.

IRAN, YOU THINK THE C.I.A....

YOU JUST GOT PITA ON YOUR

[BLEEP].

THAT GUYS DON'T [BLEEP] AROUND.

NOT FOR NOTHING.

A LITTLE PROPAGANDA ADVICE.

YOU CAN'T BRAG TO US.

WE DID THAT 50 YEARS AGO.

WE HAD BEEN LAUNCHING SPACE MONKEYS BEFORE YOU HAD US OVERTHROW YOUR DEMOCRATICALLY

ELECTED GOVERNMENT.

I'M SORRY.

IT WAS EISENHOWER'S IDEA.

WHAT'S NEXT, IRAN?

>> THIS IS THE SECOND TIME IRAN SENT LIVE ANIMALS INTO SPACE.

INCLUDING A MOUSE, A TURTLE AND A WORM INTO ORBIT IN 2010.

>> Jon: ISLAMIC SPACE MOUSE, TURTLE AND WORM ALL OF WHICH INSPIRED THE HIT, SHIA PETS.

(LAUGHING) I JUST WANT TO BRING YOUR ATTENTION TO THIS.

THERE IS ACTUALLY A WORM IN A SPACE SUIT.

A TURTLE, A MOUSE, A MONKEY AND THERE IS A WORM JUST IN CASE...

I BELIEVE OLD WORMY IS WHAT THEY CALL HIM.

ONE SLIGHT PROBLEM: SOMEHOW THE MONKEY WHO GOT SHOT INTO SPACE WASN'T LIKE THE MONKEY WHO

SUPPOSEDLY CAME BACK.

THAT CAN MEAN ONLY ONE OF TWO THINGS.

EITHER THE LAUNCH WAS A DUD AND IRAN IS COVERING UP ITS FAILURE OR -- AND I THINK THIS IS MORE

LIKELY -- THEY HAVE SECRETLY BUILT THE FIRST ALL PRIMATE ORBITAL COSMETIC SURGERY SPA.

THE MONKEY GETS A NIP AND TUCK.

ANY SHORT-TERM SWELLING OR BRUISES WHEN HE GETS BACK, HE'S LIKE I JUST GOT BACK FROM SPACE.

CUT ME SOME SLACK.

YOU KNOW WHO THIS WILL BE HUGE ABOUT.

THE LITTLE OUTPATIENT PROCEDURE.

NICE.

NOW THAT'S A MONKEY I'D LIKE TO

[BLEEP].

WE'LL BE RIGHT BACK.

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