Mess O'Potamia - Now That's What I Call Being Completely F**king Wrong About Iraq

  • Aired:  06/16/14
  •  | Views: 533,816

ISIS sweeps through Iraq, undoing everything U.S. troops accomplished, while the old gang of warmongers gets back together to voice their opinions on the crisis. (8:30)

>> Jon: WELCOME TO "THE DAILYSHOW."

I'M JON STEWART.

WE HAVE A VERY, VERY GOOD SHOWTONIGHT.

MY GUEST TONIGHT, HOWARD SCHULTZWILL BE HERE.

HE'S THE C.E.O. OF STARBUCKS.

ACTUALLY, HE'S JUST HERE TO USEOUR BATHROOM, BUT I'M MAKING HIM

BUY SOMETHING.

CONGRATULATIONS TO THE U.S.

WE BEAT GHANA 6-0.

[CHEERING AND APPLAUSE]

[AUDIENCE CHANTING U-S-A!]

>> Jon: HOLD ON A SECOND.

I ACTUALLY DON'T KNOW WHAT THESCORE WAS.

THEY'RE ACTUALLY, THEY'REPLAYING RIGHT NOW.

I WAS JUST TRYING TO BEOPTIMISTIC.

BUT, LET'S START TONIGHT WITHOUR CONTINUING COVERAGE OF

MESS 'O POTAMIA.

AS YOU KNOW, WE WENT INTO IRAQFOR ONE REASON AND FOR ONE

REASON ONLY.

>> THAT'S WHAT THIS FIGHT ISABOUT IN THIS PART OF THE WORLD,

PLANTING THE SEEDS OF DEMOCRACY.

>> THAT SEED OF DEMOCRACY INIRAQ.

>> Jon: IT WASN'T ABOUTWEAPONS OF MASS DESTRUCTION OR

9/11.

[LAUGHTER]ONCE THOSE REASONS WERE FOUND TO

BE UNSUPPORTED BY REALITY.

IT WAS ABOUT AMERICA.

IT WAS ABOUT WHAT HAPPENS WHENONE COUNTRY LOVES ANOTHER

COUNTRY VERY MUCH.

[LAUGHTER]AND THAT COUNTRY THEN DEPOSITS

HIS DEMOCRACY SEED, TYPICALLYLASER GUIDED, INTO ANOTHER

COUNTRY'S, LET'S SAY,FERTILE CRESCENT.

BY THE WAY, IF YOU THINK...

[CHEERING AND APPLAUSE]IF YOU THINK THE SEEDING OF

DEMOCRACY METAPHOR IS SLIGHTLYMORE TORTURED THAN MANY OF THE

PEOPLE WE BROUGHT THAT DEMOCRACYTO, YOU AIN'T SEEN NOTHING YET.

>> THE SEEDS OF FREEDOM HAVEONLY RECENTLY BEEN PLANTED IN

IRAQ, BUT DEMOCRACY, WHEN ITGROWS, IS NOT A FRAGILE FLOWER.

IT IS A HEALTHY, STURDY TREE.

[LAUGHTER]>> Jon: AND THAT TREE IS

FAMILY TREE.

IT'S FAMILY MAN, FOR NO MAN ISAN ISLAND, EXCEPT FOR

THE ISLE OF MAN.

WHERE IS THAT?

YOU KNOW WHAT? [BLEEPED] IT.

I'M GONNA GO PAINT A CAT.

ANYWAY, THE POINT IS THIS: WESPREAD OUR SEED ALL OVER IRAQ

AND IT BLOOMED, BABY, UNTIL OLDJOHNNY O'BAMMY CAME IN,

AND NOW YOU WON'T BELIEVE WHAT'SGROWING THERE.

>> THE SEEDS OF 9/11 ARE BEINGPLANTED ALL OVER IRAQ AND SYRIA.

>> Jon: YOU SEE WHAT HAPPENED?

THEY DONE SWAPPED OUT OURDEMOCRACY SEEDS WITH THE SEEDS

OF 9/11.

YOU KNOW, I'M NOT EVEN SURE WHYBURPEE'S EVEN SELLS THOSE 9/11

SEEDS. WHY WOULD THEY DO THAT?

THAT'S LIKE, SEEMS LIKE ALAWSUIT WAITING TO HAPPEN.

[APPLAUSE]IT'S LIKE WHEN THEY STOCKED ALL

THOSE VENUS DOG TRAPS.

IT'S JUST STUPID.

[LAUGHTER]I'M GOING TO GO BEAGLE.

POINT IS ALL THAT GREAT STUFF WEDID AFTER OBVIOUSLY SOME OF THE

BAD STUFF WE DID IS TOTALLYUNDONE NOW BY THE ISLAMIC STATE

OF IRAQ AND SYRIA, WHO ARECURRENTLY SOWING CHAOS SEEDS.

SO NOW WHAT DO WE DO?

WELL, IF YOU REMEMBER INTHE ORIGINAL RUSH TO WAR, I MEAN

DILIGENTLY PLANNED,INTERNATIONALLY SANCTIONED

FREEDOM RAVE, THERE WERE SOMEINDIVIDUALS WHO WERE WRONG, UH,

ABOUT THE WHOLE [BLEEPED] THING,JUST WRONG, JUST DEAD WRONG,

LIKE ABOUT EVERYTHING, ALL OFTHEM.

>> LET'S ACT NOW TO GET RID OFA TYRANT WHO HAS ABUSED AND

KILLED HIS OWN PEOPLE,WHO IS PROCURING WEAPONS

OF MASS DESTRUCTION, SUBSTANTIALEVIDENCE TO THAT EFFECT.

>> THE CHOICE IS DISARMING HIMBY WAR OR LETTING HIM HAVE THESE

WEAPONS OF MASS DESTRUCTION.

>> YOU'RE DEALING WITH A COUNTRYTHAT CAN REALLY FINANCE ITS OWN

RECONSTRUCTION AND RELATIVELYSOON.

>> THE BA'ATHISTS WHO USED THEIRPOWER TO REPRESS THE IRAQI

PEOPLE WILL BEREMOVED FROM OFFICE.

>> Jon: BY THE WAY, YOU CAN HAVEALL THESE MEMORABLE SCREWUPS AND

MORE, JUST CALL NOW AND ORDER,"NOW THAT'S WHAT I CALL BEING

COMPLETELY BLEEP WRONG ABOUTIRAQ."

[CHEERING AND APPLAUSE]>> Jon: ANYHOW, SO, BUT

HERE'S WHAT HAPPENED, YOU'LLAPPRECIATE THIS.

I THINK YOU'LL APPRECIATE THIS,THOSE IDIOTS WERE OSTRACIZED,

NEVER HEARD FROM AGAIN, BECAUSEOF HOW -- I'M KIDDING.

BECAUSE I THINK WE ALL KNOW FOURWRONGS MAKE A RIGHT.

AND IN THIS CURRENT CRISIS, THENEWS MEDIA HAS CRUSHED TO GET

THE BAND BACK TOGETHER AGAIN.

AND THEY ALL HAVE THE SAMEADVICE.

ON BASS... ICALLY WRONG ABOUTEVERYTHING, BILL KRISTOL.

ON DRUM... MING UP SUPPORT FORENDLESS WAR, PAUL WOLFOWITZ.

ON GUITAR YOU KIDDING ME, HOWDOES THIS GUY KEEP GETTING

BOOKED ON TELEVISION, LINDSEYGRAHAM.

>> THIS STUBBORN-HEADEDPRESIDENT WE HAVE WHO THINKS HE

KNOWS BETTER THAN EVERYBODYELSE, WHO WITHDREW TROOPS.

STUBBORN-HEADED, DELUSIONAL,DETACHED PRESIDENT, BUT THAT'S

THE LAST BAD THING I'M GOING TOSAY.

[LAUGHTER]>> Jon: MY WICKED TONGUE.

[LAUGHTER][SPEAKING WITH SOUTHERN ACCENT]:

I'M SO BAD... AT FOREIGN POLICY.

NOW POUR ME ANOTHER JULEP.LINDSEY FEELS A SONG.

>> Jon: BUT, LIKE ANY TERRIBLEBAND, THEY'RE NOTHING WITHOUT

THEIR LEAD SINGER, OLD JOHNNYROTTEN.

JOHNNY ROTTEN JUDGMENT.

HIS ADVOCACY OF THE IRAQ WAR WASLEGEND, HIS SOPHISTICATED

KNOWLEDGE OF THE REGIONUNPARALLELED, IN THAT IT DID NOT

PARALLEL WITH ANYBODY WHO HADKNOWLEDGE OF THE REGION.

>> THERE IS NOT A HISTORY OFCLASHES THAT ARE VIOLENT BETWEEN

SUNNIS AND SHIAS, SO I THINKTHEY CAN PROBABLY GET ALONG.

>> Jon: NOW, THAT IS A TRUESTATEMENT IF YOU DON'T COUNT THE

LONG HISTORY OF VIOLENT CLASHESBETWEEN SUNNI AND SHIITE.

AND HE'S RIGHT, THROUGHOUTHISTORY THERE ARE LOTS OF

EXAMPLES OF SUNNIS AND SHIASPEACEFULLY SHARING POWER LIKE

WE WERE GOING TO HAVETHEM DO IN IRAQ. LIKE, UM,

OKAY, HERE'S A GREAT ONE, BACKIN THE 50s, 950, YEAH, THE

ONLY TIME IT'S EVER HAPPENED ISOVER 1,000 YEARS AGO IN WHAT IS

NOW IRAN AND IRAQ.

THERE WAS A PRO-SHIITE WARLORDDYNASTY SHARING POWER WITH A

PRO-SUNNI CALIPH.

YEAH, IN 950.

I DON'T KNOW WHY THEY COULDN'TFIND THIS BOOK.

[LAUGHTER]AND, SINCE JOHN McCAIN WAS ONE

OF THE WRONGEST BEFORE ANDDURING THE WAR, IT'S ONLY

FITTING THAT IN THIS CURRENTCRISIS HE WAS ON SO MANY SHOWS

YOU'D THINK HE JUST WON "DANCINGWITH THE STARS."

[LAUGHTER]>> A DECISION WAS MADE BY THE

OBAMA ADMINISTRATION TO NOT HAVEA RESIDUAL FORCE IN IRAQ.

>> WE LEFT TROOPS BEHIND INKOREA, IN GERMANY, IN JAPAN,

EVEN IN BOSNIA.

THEY ARE STABLIZING FORCE.

WE HAD THE CONFLICT WON.

WE HAD THAT WAR WON.

AND WE BLEW IT.

>> Jon: AND ALL WE WOULD HAVE DOMAINTAIN THE VICTORY IS STAY

THERE FOREVER.

IT'S LIKE WHEN YOU WIN AT ACASINO.

AND TO GET THE MONEY, YOU HAVETO LIVE THERE.

WHY DID OBAMA SNATCH DEFEAT FROMTHE JAWS OF VICTORY?

>> PRESIDENT BUSH SIGNED ATREATY AT THE END OF 2008 THE

STATUS OF FORCES AGREEMENT,WHICH SAID THAT ALL U.S. FORCES,

NOT JUST COMBAT FORCES,ALL U.S. FORCES, WILL BE OUT OF

IRAQ BY THE END OF 2011.

>> Jon: WHAT?

ONLY A SECRET MUSLIM KENYANTERRORIST VEGAN IS SHREWD ENOUGH

TO ENSURE OUR DEFEAT BEFORE HEEVER TOOK OFFICE BY JEDI

MIND-TRICKING PATRIOT MAN.

ACTUALLY, FOR HIM YOU DON'TACTUALLY NEED TO USE THE JEDI

MIND TRICK.

YOU JUST KIND OF WAVE YOUR HANDAND HE DOES WHATEVER...

ALTHOUGH, TO BE FAIR TO JOHNMcCAIN, IT'S NOT LIKE

THIS IS JUST HIS IRAQ STRATEGY.HE IS CONSISTENT.

>> UKRAINE IS GOING TO NEED ALONG-TERM MILITARY ASSISTANCE

PROGRAM FROM THE UNITED STATES.

>> QUOTE, "IF THEY KNEW WHERETHEY WERE, I CERTAINLY WOULD

SEND IN U.S. TROOPS TO RESCUETHEM, IN A NEW YORK MINUTE I

WOULD."

>> APPROPRIATE USE OF AIR POWER.

AIR STRIKES ON ASSAD'S FORCE.

>> YOU KNOW THAT OLD BEACH BOYSONG "BOMB IRAN,"

BOMB-BOMB-BOMB, BOMB-BOMB IRAN.

ANYWAY...

>> Jon: HA! THE JOHN McCAINMILITARY VICTORY PLAN FOR

AMERICA IS THE SAME AS THE JOHNMCCAIN MEDIA STRATEGY,

BE EVERYWHERE FOREVER.

WE'LL BE RIGHT BACK.

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