Moscow Mules

  • Aired:  05/31/12
  •  | Views: 32,830

Wyatt Cenac reports that Russia's opposition to intervention in Syria is really just an attempt to regain its status as the Evil Empire. (5:29)

>> Jon: WELCOME BACK.

AS YOU KNOW, BUT PROBABLY WISH YOU DIDN'T, SYRIAN PRESIDENT BASHAR CRACKDOWN

HAS KILLED UPWARDS OF 10,000 OF HIS OWN SYRIAN PEOPLE WITH MANY CALLING LAST

WEEK'S VIOLENCE IN HOULA THE WORST YET.

THE SYRIAN PEOPLE, NOT TO WORRY, THE INTERNATIONAL COMMUNITY WILL NOT LET THESE

ATROCITIES CONTINUE.

>> WE'RE SEEING A CONCERTED DIPLOMATIC PUSH.

>> ON MONDAY THEY WENT TO A TOWN AND MET THE LOCAL COMMANDER OF THE FREE SYRIAN

ARMY IN AN EFFORT TO BRING CALM.

>> I'M HERE IN WASHINGTON,

THE TOP SYRIAN DIPLOMAT HAS 72 HOURS TO LEAVE THE COUNTRY.

>> Jon: HA!

THAT'S IT?

JUST 72 HOURS WE GAVE THEM TO PACK THEIR THINGS, WE'RE PUNISHING A BRUTAL REGIME

FOR KILLING ITS OWN PEOPLE THE SAME WAY WE BREAK UP WITH A POST COLLEGE BOYFRIEND.

THAT'S ALL WE'RE DOING.

THE LAST I CHECKED, WE WERE NOT A NATION OF MIDDLE EAST HALF ASERS.

BY NOW AN WE SUPPOSED TO BE BOGGED DOWN HIP DEEP ON THE ROAD TO DAMASCUS.

WE INVADE IRAQ BECAUSE A GUY SAID HEARD THEY HAD WEAPONS.

WE DID LIBYA BECAUSE THEY WERE THREATENING TO KILL CITIZENS AND HERE THEY'RE

ACTUALLY-- WHAT'S THE HOLD UP.

>> RUSSIA ANNOUNCES IT WILL BLOCK ANY EFFORT BY THE U.N.

TO INTERVENE IN SYRIA SAYING IT WOULD BE QUOTE PREMATURE.

>> Jon: RUSSIA!

LOOK, RUSSIA, I KNOW 10,000 DEAD ISN'T A MASS SLAUGHTER BY YOUR STANDARDS, OF COURSE

BY YOUR STANDARDS 10,000 DEAD IS A MILD WINTER.

BUT-- WHY ARE YOU PROTECTING BASHAR ASSAD.

>> VLADIMIR PUTIN-- ASSAD BOUGHT NEARLY $5 BILLION IN WEAPONS IN JUST FOUR YEARS,

OR 10% OF ALL RUSSIAN ARMS EXPORTS IN THE PAST DECADE.

>> Jon: YOU CAPITALIST SON OF A BITCH.

SELLING ARMS TO DESPOTIC ARAB REGIMES.

THAT'S OUR JOB.

WE DON'T COME DOWN TO WHERE YOU WERE.

AND REPRESS CHECHENS.

--A, THAT'S IT.

YOU'RE IN OUR WAY.

YOU DON'T WANT TO KNOW HOW THE UNITED STATES TREATS COUNTRIES THAT GET IN OUR WAY.

>> THE SYRIANS ARE TO THE GOING TO LISTEN TO US.

THEY WILL LISTEN, MAYBE TO THE RUSSIANS.

SO WE HAVE TO KEEP PUSHING THEM.

>> SO THEY HOPE THE CEASE-FIRE WORKS OR BEG RUSSIA TO HELP.

>> Jon: YEAH, WE'RE GOING TO BEG YOU AS PART OF OUR NEW MID EASTERN STRATEGY OF

SHOCK AND AWE.

COME ON, PLEASE?

FOR MORE WE'RE JOINED BY SENIOR INTERNATIONAL POLITICAL CORRESPONDENT WYATT CENAC IN MOSKOW.

WYATT, IS RUSSIA WORRIED?

THAT BLOCK HUMANITARIAN INTERVENTION GOING TO MAKE THEM LOOK TERRIBLE ON THE WORLD STAGE.

>> WORRIED?

THAT'S WHAT THEY ARE HOPING FOR, JOHN.

RUSSIA SEES THIS AS THEIR CHANCE TO BE THE EVIL EMPIRE AGAIN.

I MEAN SINCE COMMUNISM FELL THEY'VE GONE FROM EXISTENTIAL THREATS TO

CIVILIZATION TO FRIEND EMMY.

THEY WANT TO MATTER AGAIN YZ GREAT SO, HOW ABOUT AFTER THEY HELP WITH US SYRIA WE

PROMISE TO HATE THEM AGAIN.

>> THAT'S TO THE GOING TO CUT IT.

>> Jon: WHAT DO THEY WANT?

>> WELL N RETURN FOR SUPPORTING SYRIAN INTERVENTION, THEY ARE DEMANDING THIS MUSIC PLAY

EVERY TIME SOMEONE SAYS THE WORD RUSSIA.

>> Jon: REALLY, WITH A WOLF HOWL AND EVERYTHING?

>> YOU'RE RIGHT, THEY SHOULD HAVE GONE WITH THE KITTY CAT.

REAL SCARY, JON.

I JUST PEED MY PANTS.

SLOSHING AROUND HERE, JUST THINKING ABOUT THAT ADORABLE TABBY.

>> Jon: ALL RIGHT, LOOK, I DIDN'T KNOW THE KITTY CAT MEOW WAS THE ONLY OTHER OPTION.

>> SECOND, THEY WANT ALL MOVERIES WHERE THE VILLAIN IS NOT RUSSIAN TO BE CHANGED

SO THE VILLAIN IS RUSSIAN.

SO NOW IN TAKEN, I WILLAL NISSAN DAUGHTER ISN'T KIDNAPPED BY A SAUDI PRINCE,

SPOILARY ALL RIGHT, SHE'S TAKEN BYIVEAN DRAGO.

(APPLAUSE) IN ALIEN, INSTEAD OF AN EXTRA TER RECOMMENDATION KPENO MORE OF BURSTING OUT

OF A EARN'S CLEST, ITS'SIVE AN DRAGO AND IN 127 HOURS,

OH NO, IT'S ME, JAMES FRANCO AND MY ARM, IT'S TRAPPED UNDER, YOU GUESSED IT, IVAN DRAGO!

>> Jon: BUT THAT CHANGES THE WHOLE DYNAMIC OF THE MOVERIE.

NOW HE'S GOT SOMEBODY TO TALK TO.

>> IF HE SPOKE RUSSIAN, JON!

WHICH HE DOES LEARN BY THE END OF THE FILM.

THEN HE GETS A JOB TEACHING RUSSIAN AT A SCHOOL FOR THE ONE ARMED RZ THAT JOUNDS

ROUGHLY, WE'LL GET HOLLYWOOD ON THAT RUSSIA IS NOW THE VILLAIN IN ALL OF OUR MOVE YEES.

>> AND IN ALL OF OUR ACTUAL HISTORY.

>> Jon: SO NOW WE HAVE TO SAY WE FOUGHT THE AMERICAN REVOLUTION FOR FREEDOM FROM --

>> YUP, IVAN DRAGO.

>> Jon: CANNOT BELIEVE THAT TO LET US SAVE LIVES THEY'RE GOING TO MAKE US CHANGE OUR

THINKS HISTORY AND THE MOVIES AND EVERYTHING.

>> YEAH, WELL THEY ARE EVIL.

THAT IS WHAT THEY DO.

NOW IF YOU WILL EXCUSE ME,

ALL THIS INTERNATIONAL DIPLOMACY HAS BUILT UP A REALLY POWERFUL THIRST.

>> Jon: SURE.

WHOA!

WHOA, NO, WYATT-- WYATT, NO,

DON'T-- WYATT!

YOU KNOW THE RULES, ARE YOU NOT ALLOWED TO HAVE A SODA THAT IS MORE THAN 16 OUNCES.

>> YOU CAN IN RUSSIA, JON,

THEY'RE EVIL, NOT STUPID.

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