The Standlot

  • Aired:  05/08/13
  •  | Views: 114,552

Using newsroom magic, CNN covers unfolding crime stories happening in two different cities from the same parking lot. (4:56)

( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ).

HEY, WELCOME BACK.

I'M GOING TO TELL YOU SOMETHING.

VERY BIG NEWS OUT OF PHOENIX

ARIZONA, JODY ARIAS HAS BEEN

FOUND GUILTY OF THE BOYFRIEND

KILLING THING.

FOR THEIR SEEMINGLY NONSTOP

COVERAGE OF THE TRIAL, CNN WAS

FOUND GUILTY OF NEWS SLAUGHTER.

LOOK IT UP.

IT'S A THING.

IN THE CULMINATION OF A

LONG-RUNNING SAGA THAT INVOLVES

ALMOST EVERY CNN CORRESPONDENT

AS WELL AS A HOMEMADE CRIME

SCENE AND GRUESOME RE-ENACTMENT

AND THE MURDERING OF AN INNOCENT

CARPET, THAT STAIN IS NEVER

COMING OUT.

HERE'S THE PROBLEM.

BECAUSE CNN PUT ALL THEIR NEWS

EGGS IN THE ARIAS BASKET THEY

WERE FORCED TO COVER OTHER

STORIES INCLUDING ANOTHER GOOD

CRIME DRAMA FROM THEIR CURRENT

LOCATION.

ASHLEY BANFIELD FROM A PARKING

LOT IN PHOENIX REPORTING VIA

SATELLITE WITH NANCY GRACE WHO

SEEMED TO BE IN THE SAME PARKING

LOT IN PHOENIX.

I'M BASING THAT, OF COURSE, ON

THE FACT THAT THE CARS THAT ARE

PASSING BY BOTH LOCATIONS ALSO

APPEAR TO BE PASSING DIRECTLY

INTO NANCY GRACE'S BOX.

THAT MUST HAVE BEEN SHOT AT THE

SAME TIME.

THEREFORE, UPS OWE FACT OWE

THOSE TWO PEOPLE HAD TO BE IN

THE PRETTY MUCH SAME SPOT.

OR WE JUST SAW ACTUAL FOOTAGE OF

PHOENIX'SY LOSE I HAVE BEEN

SEVEN-MILE LONG BUS-NESS

MONSTER.

THE LOCALS CALL HIM OLD BUSTY.

BUT ACCORDING TO THE ATLANTIC

WIRE, BOTH WERE ACTUALLY A MERE

SIX PARKING SPACES AWAY FROM

EACH OTHER.

MEANING THE MONSTER ISN'T REAL.

WHO DOES THAT?

THE AUDACITY OF SOMETHING EVEN

RESEMBLING A NEWS ORGANIZATION

TO PRETEND THAT A CORRESPONDENT

IS IN AN ENTIRELY DIFFERENT

LOCATION WHEN IN FACT THAT

CORRESPONDENT IS STANDING NO

MORE THAN A FEW FEET AWAY.

MAYBE IN THE VERY SAME STUDIO

FOR ALL WE KNOW.

PRETTY SHAMEFUL.

COULDN'T THE TWO OF THEM HAVE

JUST SHARED?

LIKE ASHLEY HAS A RESTRAINING

ORDER AGAINST NANCY GRACE.

WHICH NOW THAT I THINK ABOUT IT,

IT DOESN'T SEEM ALL THAT CRAZY.

BUT TO THE NEWSMEN'S CREDIT THEY

DID THEIR BEST TO CREATE THE

ILLUSION OF NOT STANDING RIGHT

NEXT TO EACH OTHERNESS.

>> WHETHER IT WAS A VOLUNTARY

CAPTIVITY BY MINE R MIND CONTROL

OR WHETHER IT WAS PHYSICAL, YOU

KNOW, PHYSICAL, YOU KNOW, CHAINS

OR LOCKS.

IN THAT RESPECT, ARE YOU

SURPRISED THAT THEY'RE NOT

TELLING US.

>> AM I HEARING YOU CORRECTLY?

Jon: ACTUALLY, I DIDN'T HEAR

YOU THERE'S THIS LADY JABBERING

JABBERING... IT'S VERY HARD FOR

ME TO HEAR YOU.

SHE'S JUST BA-BA-BA-BA.

HERE'S AN IDEA IF YOU HAVE

TROUBLE HEARING, TAKE YOUR

FINGER OUT OF YOUR [BLEEP] EAR

BECAUSE SHE'S RIGHT THERE.

YOU CAN JUST DO THIS.

WHAT?

WHAT DID YOU SAY?

IS ANYBODY AT CNN ALLOWED

INDOORS ANYMORE?

FIRST YOU HAVE THE BROOK BALDWIN

IN THE STREETS OF BOSTON FOR

SEVERAL WEEKS AFTER THE BOMBING.

THEN YOU MAKE HER FLY OVER

CLEVELAND TO COVER THE

KIDNAPPING STORY.

NOW BANFIELD AND GRACE ARE IN A

PARK LOCALITY IN PHOENIX.

IT'S LIKE YOU'RE THE AMAZING

RACE OF NEWS.

CNN JUST RUNS FROM TOWN TO TOWN

DOING CRAZY [BLEEP] THINGS FOR A

GIANT NOVELTY PAYCHECK.

I'LL GIVE THIS TO CNN.

THEY DID PROVIDE ACTUAL

INFORMATION ON WHAT ARE ACTUAL

CRIME STORIES.

THEY CONTINUE THEIR COVERAGE

THROUGHOUT THE DAY I PRESUME

WITHOUT ANY FURTHER

DISTRACTIONS.

THERE'S MORE FOOTAGE.

OH, NO, THERE'S A CAT ON A

RUMBA.

OH, NO, AND THEN THERE'S.

OH, A MOTORCYCLE.

OH, MY GOD!

NO, THAT CAN'T BE.

IT'S THAT [BLEEP] ENCRUSTED

CARNIVAL CRUISESHIP.

CAN'T BELIEVE THAT THING IS

STILL ON THE LOOSE.

WE'LL BE RIGHT

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