The Rock Block

  • Aired:  07/18/13
  •  | Views: 26,715

Cable news networks seem to think their viewers need a hot, thumping beat to absorb basic information. (4:21)

>> WELCOME BACK.

NOW IF YOU MISSED IT AND YOU

MOST CERTAINLY HAVE, CNN HAS

A NEW MORNING SHOW.

NEW DAY WITH KATE BALDWIN

AND CHRIS CUOMO.

AND LOTS OF CLEVER NEW WAYS

TO PACKAGE THE NEWS.

>> WELCOME BACK.

YOU KNOW WHAT THAT MUSIC

MEANS.

IT'S TIME FOR THE ROCK BLOCK,

A QUICK ROUNDUP OF THE

STORIES WILL YOU BE TALK

ABOUT.

FIRST UP.

>> LET'S ROCK IT.

>> OH YEAH!

CNN'S GOT A ROCK BLOCK.

IT'S TIME FOR THE STORIES

THAT ROCK!

STORIES TO GET YOU PUMPED UP

IN THE MORNING!

THROW AWAY YOUR COFFEE

MACHINE, YOU'RE TO THE GOING

TO NEED IT!

THESE ARE GOING TO BE

STORIES LIKE KANGAROO

ARRESTED AFTER A BAR FIGHT.

OR AXLE ROSE DRIVES MONSTER

TRUCK INTO THE HOOVER DAM.

ARE YOU READY FOR SOME

ROCKIN STORIES!

LET'S HIT IT.

ONE, TWO, THREE!

>> IT'S RICKIN NEWS.

FIRST, IMPOSING JOB CUTS AT

THE PENTAGON DEFENSE

SECRETARY CHUCK HAGEL

CALLING FOR 20% REDUCTION OF

SENIOR STAFF POST BILL

BILL-- MILITARY BY-- 2019.

>> WAIT WHAT?

(LAUGHTER)

IS IT JUST ME OR IS THE NEWS

ABOUT 20% OF PENTAGON

EMPLOYEES GETTING LAID OFF

DECIDEDLY UNROCKING.

I MEAN UNLESS THEIR JOBS

WERE PUT INTO A MINIFRINGE

AND THEN THROWN OUT OF A

HOTEL WINDOW.

COME ON, CNN THIS IS YOUR

ROCK BLOCK.

IT'S EARLY IN THE MORNING.

I WANT TO SEE A STORY LIKE

LOOK OUT ARKANSAS, 50 TONS

OF COCAINE WAS JUST DUMP

MOOD YOUR WATER SUPPLY.

I WANT TO HEAR A STORY

PEOPLE CAN GET PREGNANT TOO.

ONE MORE TIME FROM THE TOP.

ONE, TWO, THREE.

>> A STUDY OF U.S. MILITARY

VETERANS FOUND THAT THOSE

DIAGNOSED WITH FORMS-- MOST

FORMS OF CANCER ARE FAR LESS

LIKELY TO DEVELOP ALZHEIMER

DISEASE.

THOSE NUMBERS WENT EVEN

FURTHER DOWN FOR VETS WHO

RECEIVED CHEMOTHERAPY.

(LAUGHTER)

>> OKAY, I THINK WE CLEARLY

HAVE DIFFERENT IDEAS OF WHAT

ROCKING IT MEANS.

BECAUSE MINE INVOLVES

LEATHER PANTS AND CHAINSAWS.

YOURS INVOLVES ALZHEIMER AND

CHEMOTHERAPY.

DON'T YOU SEE WHAT YOU'VE

DONE HERE?

BY PUTTING THOSE STORIES TO

A ROCK BEAT YOU'VE GOT THE

WORST OF BOTH WORLDS.

YOU'VE SUCKED THE FUN OUT OF

ROCK AND 9 WEIGHT OUT OF

NEWS.

IT'S LIKE WHAT THE BRITISH

PEOPLE DID TO FOOD.

WE REMOVED BOTH THE FLAVOR

AND THE NUTRITIONAL VALUE.

THAT'S RIGHT, CNN.

THIS ROCK SEGMENT IS THE

NEWS EQUIVALENT OF BOILED

MEAT.

JUST LIKE MOM USED TO MAKE.

BUT LOOK, IT IS UNFAIR TO

JUST PICK ON CNN FOR THIS.

ALL OF THE CABLE NETWORKS

NOW SEEM TO THINK YOU NEED A

HOT, THUMPING BEAT TO ABSORB

BASIC INFORMATION.

>> FACTS SCALING NEW HEIGHTS

AS WE AWAIT EASTERNINGS OUT

FROM GOOGLE AND MICROSOFT.

I'M CAMERON HALL, THE NEWS

NATION IS FOLLOWING TRAYVON

MARTIN'S FAMILIES, REQUESTS

DIRECTED AT PRESIDENT OBAMA.

>> AND NASA FORCED TO ABORT

A SPACE WALK AFTER SOMETHING

GOES VERY WRONG IN ORBIT.

>> THIS THERE IS PARODY AND

THEN THIS.

A FRIED CHICKEN RESTAURANT

IN TIELAND GOES BY THE NAME

OF HITLER.

>> REALLY?

HIP-HOP OVER A HITLER STORY.

UNLESS YOU'RE ABOUT TO BREAK

A STORY ABOUT HOW THE FUHRER

DOES REGGAE THOSE TWO THINGS

DON'T GO TOGETHER.

LOOK, IF YOU TRULY BELIEVE

THAT CA COUGH NEWS KNOWS

HELPS HELP LEARN INFORMATION,

LET ME LEARN FROM YOU

BECAUSE I HAVE NEWS YOU

BADLY NEED TO HEAR SET TO

MUSIC THAT WILL MAKE IT

NEARLY IMPOSSIBLE TO HEAR

IT.

DOW HEAR THAT MUSIC?

THAT MEANS IT'S TIME FOR OUR

NEW SEGMENT, OF BAD NEWS CAN

BARELY HEAR.

>> NEWS FLASH, EDWARD R.

MURROW IS ROLLING OVER IN

HIS GRAVE.

THE NEWS IS NOT A NIGHTCLUB.

AND I DON'T MEAN TO BE ABLE

TO DANCE TO THE LATEST-- COMING

AT-- WAS'S IN YOUR NETWORK

IS LIKE I CAN READ THE

NEWSPAPER IN THE MIDDLE OF

THE-- IS THIS MUSIC HELPING

YOU ABSORB THE MESSAGE OF

WHAT I AM TRYING TO SAY?

BECAUSE I CAN'T-- IS IT

ANNOYING?

>> IS IT HEADACHE INDUCING?

WELL, WELCOME TO OUR WORLD!

WE'LL BE RIGHT BACK.

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