Billy Crystal

  • Aired:  09/12/13
  •  | Views: 46,918

Billy Crystal remembers stories from his early days on the comedy circuit. (6:01)

>> Jon: WELCOME BACK, MYGUEST TONIGHT, ONE OF OUR

GREATEST COMEDIANS, ACTORS,DIRECTORS, WRITERS, HIS NEW BOOK

IS CALLED "STILL FOOLIN' EM:WHERE I'VE BEEN, WHERE I'M

GOING AND WHERE THE HELL AREMY KEYS?"

LADIES AND GENTLEMEN,WELCOME BACK TO THE

PROGRAM, MR. BILLY CRYSTAL!

(CHEERS AND APPLAUSE)>> THANK YOU.

>> Jon: AND THE CROWD GOESWILD, THEY GO WILD!

(CHEERS AND APPLAUSE)>> HOW ARE YOU, JON.

>> Jon: I'M SO WELL.

HOW ARE YOU, MY FRIEND?

>> NICE TO SEE YOU.

>> I'M GREAT.

>> Jon: THE BOOK IS SO GOOD.

>> OH, THANK YOU.

>> Jon: I READ THESE MEMOIRS.

MY IMAGE OF YOU IS ALWAYS ASTHE ICONIC BILLY CRYSTAL.

I'VE ALWAYS KNOWN YOU ASTHAT GUY IN THE MOVIES.

>> YOU MEAN SEPHARTIC.

>> BUT TO READ THESTORIES FROM YOUR EARLY DAYS

IN YOUR CAREER, STRUGGLINGAND DISAPPOINTMENT, IT

REMINDS ME THAT NO MATTERWHERE WE GET TO WE ALL COME

FROM THE SAME PLACE.

>> ABSOLUTELY.

I THINK THAT WAS THE JOY INWRITING THE BOOK WAS, WELL,

THE FIRST BIG JOY WASREMEMBERING EVERYTHING.

(LAUGHTER)>> AND THEN GETTING IT OUT AND

REALIZING LIKE YOU SAID,WE'RE ALL ALONE TOGETHER, I

THINK LILY TOMLIN SAID, THATOUR PATHS ARE VERY SIMILAR.

REMEMBERING ALL THE STUFFFROM WHEN I WAS A LITTLE KID,

OF COURSE, BUT WHEN YOUSTART WORKING CLUBS AND

OPENING FOR ACTS AND, WHEREYOU SHOULDN'T BE AND WHERE

YOU SHOULD BE, YOU REALIZEYOU HAVE A LIFE.

>> Jon: I LOVE THE IDEA OFWHEN YOU FIRST

STARTED-- BLOOD, SWEAT ANDTEARS I THINK IS THE BAND

YOU OPENED FOR.

IT'S ONE OF MYFIRST JOBS-- I'M GETTING

$125 BUCKS,I'M IN SCRANTON,

PENNSYLVANIA, I HAVE NOBILLING.

THEY HAVE NO IDEA ANYBODYELSE IS IN THE SHOW.

AND THE AUDIENCEHAS TIMED THEIR DRUGS FOR

THE HEADLINE.

SO I COME OUTAND I DO YOU KNOW, REALLY

WELL.

BUT IT'S STILL NEW.

THEY DON'T KNOW WHO I AM.

I HAVEN'T BEEN ON ANYTHING.

AND I DID REALLY GOOD.

FINISH, BLOOD, SWEAT ANDTEARS, BIG SONG, SPINNING

WHEEL, THEY COUNT HIM DOWN,DAVID CLAYTON THOMAS WALKS

OUT, HE'S MAGIC OUT THERE,HE HITS THE FIRST THREE

NOTES, WHAT GOES UP-- [BLEEP]THIS, I HATE THIS, AND

LEAVES THE STAGE.

(LAUGHTER)>> AND THE ONLY REASON I'M

STILL THERE IS I WANTED TOSEE THEM FOR A FEW MINUTES

BEFORE I HAD TO DRIVE THEFOUR HOURS HOME BECAUSE I

COULDN'T AFFORD THE HOTEL.

THEIR DRUMMER LOOKS AT MEAND GOES, GO BACK OUT, GO

BACK OUT.

>> SO I GRAB MY MIC, I GOBACK OUT AND I SAY OKAY,

OKAY, ALL RIGHT, ALL RIGHT,SO, YOU KNOW, WHERE YOU

FROM?

(LAUGHTER)>> WHERE YOU FROM?

SO NOW I CAN PATTER WITHTHEM, WHERE YOU FROM, WHERE

YOU FROM, TURNED OUT TO BEPRETTY GOOD.

I SEE FROM THE WINGS.

OKAY, LET'S GO.

LADIES AND GENTLEMEN, BLOOD,SWEAT AND TEARS. BACK IN

THE WINGS-- WHAT GOES-- WHATTHE [BLEEP] IS THE MATTER WITH

THIS THING. OFF AGAIN.

AND THEY GO, GO BACK OUT.

I GO, NO, I KNOWWHERE EVERYBODY'S FROM.

(CHEERS AND APPLAUSE)>> I LOVE IT BUT THOSE WERE

THE GREAT, GREAT DAYS OFWHEN COMEDIANS WEREN'T AS

PLENTIFUL AS THEY ARE NOW.

>> RIGHT.

>> AND, NO IT'S TRUE.

>> IT IS TRUE.

>> IT'S VERY TRUE.

NOW THERE ARE WAY TOO MANY.

BUT TO THIS DAY, YOU GUYS ITHINK ARE SORT OF LIKE THE

REIGNING HEAVYWEIGHTCHAMPIONS OF THOSE CLUBS.

I MEAN THEY STILL TALK ABOUTBELZER AND YOU AND RICHARD

AND ALL THOSE GUYS, KILLINGIT.

>> HERE'S A CRAZY STORY.

AND IT'S A LITTLE ROUGH BUTHEY, I JUST DID THAT ONE.

>> Jon: WHATEVER.

>> ALL RIGHT, YOU REMEMBERLENNY SCHULTZ.

>> SURE, LENNY SCHULTZWITH THE RUBBER

DUCK.

>> HE WAS A GYM TEACHER INQUEENS.

HE WAS A MASSIVELY LARGEGUY AND VERY HAIRY AND

INSANELY FUNNY ON STAGE.

>> Jon: REALLY FUNNY.

>> AND DID CRAZY STUFF.

SO HIS WIFE AT THE TIME USEDTO DO HIS SOUND EFFECTS

BECAUSE HE DID A LOT OF MUSICPANTOMIME AND STUFF LIKE

THIS. HE COMES UP TO ME ATTHE BAR AT CATCH A RISING

STAR AND HE GOES YOU'RESMART, WOULD YOU WATCH WHAT

I DO AND GIVE ME SOME NOTES.

(LAUGHTER)SO I GO-- .

>> Jon: THAT SOUNDS LIKELENNY, THAT SOUNDS LIKE

LENNY.

>> SO I GO OKAY, HE GOES UPON STAGE, HE'S GOT A VIOLIN

CASE AND HE YELLS AT THEAUDIENCE, HE SCREAMS AT THEM,

WHEN I LOOK AT YOU AND IPOINT AT YOU, YOU YELL, PLAY

MAESTRO, PLAY!

>> AND THEY GO OKAY, LENNY.

AND THEN HE OPENS THE CASEAND HE PULLS OUT A RUBBER

SEX TOY.

(LAUGHTER)WAIT, WAIT WITH TWO HEADS,

OKAY.

THE BEST I CAN DO SO HE HASTHIS DOUBLE HEADED DONG AND

HE PUTS, AND THEN HE PUTS AHUGE SET OF THOSE BAD TEETH,

LIKE THIS IN HIS MOUTH, ANDNOW HE PUTS THE THING UNDER

AND HE POINTS TO THEAUDIENCE AND THEY YELL PLAY

MAESTRO, PLAY MAESTRO AND HEPOINTS TO HIS WIFE WHO THEN

HITS THE MUSIC AND TURKEYIN THE STRAW COMES OUT BUT

AT HIGH SPEED, AT 78.

SO NOW HE'S GOT THIS BOW ANDTHE TEETH, ♪

♪ HE'S BANGING IT INPEOPLE'S DRINKS, HE TWISTS IT,

TIES IT IN A KNOT AND HEFINISHES AND HE GETS A STANDING

OVATION.

HE COMES TO ME AND HE GOESWHAT DID YOU THINK?

>> AND I SAID I DON'T THINKYOU NEED THE TEETH.

>> STILL FOOLING EM ON THE BOOKSHELVES, BILLY CRYSTAL.

WE'LL BE RIGHT BACK WITH ALITTLE BIT MORE.

(CHEERS AND APPLAUSE)

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