Lowe's Balls of the Week

  • Aired:  12/14/11
  •  | Views: 163,601

Herman Cain causes Barbara Walters to do the reporter's equivalent of a spit-take, and Mitt Romney questions Newt Gingrich's conservative credentials. (8:17)

[CHEERING AND APPLAUSE]

>> Jon: THANKS.

WELCOME TO THE SHOW.

JON STEWART.

GOT A GREAT SHOW.

I APOLOGIZE.

VERY QUICKLY, VERY QUICKLY, I

HAVE TO TELL YOU, I'M COMPLETING

A LETTER I'M WRITING TO THE

UKRAINIAN PEOPLE.

[LAUGHTER]

THE HANGOVER REMEDY FOR U.S.O.

VOLUNTEERS.

LISTEN, OUR GUESS TONIGHT,

WAREHOUSE DIRECTOR OF POLICY

MELODY BARNES.

WE HERE AT "THE DAILY SHOW"

REALIZE POLITICS TAKES

STEADFASTNESS AND THE EXCESSIVE

BUZZ OF THE NORTHERN AMERICAN

DOUCHE FLY.

[LAUGHTER]

THERE TO RED KYLE AND POKE FUN

AT YOUR EVERY MOVE AND GESTURE.

COLBERT.

BUT THERE'S A FINE LINE BETWEEN

COURAGE AND AUDACITY, AND

SEVERAL PUBLIC FIGURES HAVE

RECENTLY CROSSED IT.

IT'S THE SUBJECT OF OUR NEW

SEGMENT, "HOLY [BLEEPED], YOU

GOT SOME HUGE, HAIRY, MOTHER

[BLEEPED] BALLS ON YOU" BROUGHT

TO YOU BY LOWE'S HARDWARE, THE

ONE-STOP HOME IMPROVEMENT SHOP

THAT LEGALLY CAN'T PREVENT US

FROM PRETENDING THEY SPONSORED

OUR BALLS SEGMENT.

[LAUGHTER]

WE THINK.

WE DON'T ACTUALLY KNOW THAT

THAT'S TRUE.

IS THAT TRUE?

I DON'T EVEN KNOW.

FIRST UP, FORMER PRESIDENTIAL

CANDIDATE HERMAN CAIN, WHILE HE

WAS RUNNING FOR OFFICE HE

CAPTURED THE NATION'S HEART WITH

HIS COMMAND OF FOREIGN POLICY.

>> WHEN THEY ASKED ME WHO IS THE

PRESIDENT OF

UZBEKI-BEKI-STAN-STAN, YOU KNOW,

I'M GOING TO SAY I DON'T KNOW.

>>OKAY.

LIBYA.

[LAUGHTER]

>> Jon: I KNOW THAT LOOK.

THAT LOOK SAYS, WHERE IS THE

FIRE ALARM MANY THIS ROOM?

[LAUGHTER]

AND CAN I PULL IT WITHOUT BEING

NOTICED.

WELL, THIS WEEK CAIN SAT DOWN

WITH BARBARA WALTERS AS ONE OF

HER TEN MOST FASCINATING PEOPLE

OF 2011, BY THE WAY, VERY

IMPRESSIVE THAT WALTERS ALWAYS

LANDS ALL TEN OF THE YEAR'S MOST

FASCINATING PEOPLE.

>> WHAT KIND OF CABINET POSITION

WOULD YOU LIKE IF IT WERE

POSSIBLE.

>> WE'RE SPEAKING TOTALLY,

TOTALLY HYPE TET CAL, RIGHT?

>> Jon: NO, HERMAN CAIN, THIS

IS YOUR JOB INTERVIEW FOR A

CABINET POSITION.

>> WHAT KIND OF CABINET POSITION

MIGHT YOU LIKE IF IT WERE

POSSIBLE?

>> WE ARE SPEAKING TOTALLY,

TOTALLY HYPOTHETICAL, RIGHT?

>> YES.

OKAY.

>> TOTALLY, TOTALLY

HYPOTHETICAL.

>> YES.

>> DEPARTMENT OF DEFENSE.

>> WHAT?

[CHEERING AND APPLAUSE]

>> Jon: THAT WAS SO BALLSY,

THAT WAS SO BALLSY IT MADE

BARBARA WALTERS DO A REPORTER'S

EQUIVALENT OF A SPIT TAKE.

THE LADY HAS BEEN ON TV SINCE TV

STARTED.

[LAUGHTER]

AND SHE HAS NEVER REACTED

VISCERALLY LIKE THAT TO A

STATEMENT LIKE THIS.

SHE'S FACED DOWN CRAZY BULLSHIT

FROM DICTATORS, FROM PRESIDENT,

FROM MOGULS AND MOVIE STARS.

SHERRY SHEPHERD TOLD HER SHE

WASN'T SURE IF THE WORLD WAS

ROUND AND DIDN'T GET A WHAT.

LAST WEEK SYRIAN DICTATOR ASSAD,

WHO LAUNCHED A MURDEROUS

CRACKDOWN ON HIS OWN PEOPLE TOLD

BARBARA WALTERS THIS.

>> WE DON'T KILL OUR OWN PEOPLE.

NOBODY KILLS... NO GOVERNMENT IN

THE WORLD KILLS ITS PEOPLE

UNLESS IT'S LED BY A CRAZY

PERSON.

[LAUGHTER]

>> Jon: THAT, THAT DIDN'T GET

A "WHAT?"

BARBARA WALTERS WAS ABLE TO

SUPPRESS HER INCREDIT DUALITY IN

ALL THOSE SITUATION, BUT FIVE

MINUTES WITH HERMAN CAIN.

>> DEPARTMENT OF DEFENSE?

>> WHAT?

>> Jon: IT LITERALLY BLEW HER

MIND.

LOOK AT HER EARS.

YOU CAN SEE THERE'S BLOOD COMING

OUT OF HER EARS.

[LAUGHTER]

HE GAVE THE WOMAN AN ANEURYSM.

OH, SADLY WE HAVE BIGGER BALLS

TO FRY.

BALLS THAT BELONG TO ONE WILLARD

MITT ROMNEY, WHO IS FACING A BIT

OF AN UPHILL BATTLE IN HIS RACE

TO BE THE REPUBLICAN NOMINEE.

BY "UPHILL BATTLE" I MEAN NOBODY

SEEMS THE WANT TO VOTE FOR HIM,

SO HE'S DECIDED ON A BALLSY NEW

TACT.

>> HE'S GOING AFTER GINGRICH,

QUESTIONING HIS CONSERVATIVE YES

DEN,S.

>> Jon: ROMNEY IS QUESTIONING

GINGRICH'S CONSERVATIVE

CREDENTIALS.

BARBARA?

>> WHAT?

>> Jon: THIS IS WHAT ROMNEY,

THE FORMER NOT-PRO-LIFE, PRO-GAY

GOVERNOR OF MASSACHUSETTS SAYS

ABOUT NEWT GINGRICH'S

CONSISTENCY OF THOUGHT.

>> THE NUMBER OF TIMES HE HAS

MOVED FROM ONE SPOT TO ANOTHER

HAS BEEN REMARKABLE.

I THINK HE HAS SHOWN A LEVEL OF

UNRELIABILITY AS A CONSERVATIVE

LEADER TODAY.

>> Jon: YOU'RE TALKING ABOUT

YOU.

THAT'S THE KIND OF SACK THAT

SANTA WOULD LOOK AT AND GO,

WE'RE GOING TO NEED A BIGGER

SLED.

BY THE WAY, ROMNEY WASN'T JUST

SAYING GINGRICH WAS

INCONSISTENT, HE WAS

SPECIFICALLY SAYING GINGRICH

WASN'T CONSERVATIVE ENOUGH.

ROMNEY, HOW WOULD YOU DESCRIBE A

NOT IDEALOGICALLY PURE ENOUGH

CONSERVATIVE, AND CAN YOU FRAME

IT AS A POSITIVE IN 2002?

>> I THINK PEOPLE RECOGNIZE THAT

I'M NOT A PARTISAN REPUBLICAN,

THAT I'M SOMEONE WHO IS MODERATE

AND THAT MIGHT VIEWS ARE

PROGRESSIVE.

>> Jon: AND BY "PROGRESSIVE,"

I MEAN MY VIEWS WILL PROGRESS IN

ANY DIRECTION NECESSARY.

SERIOUSLY.

SERIOUSLY.

YOU'RE THE GUY WHO IS SO FAR TO

THE LEFT IN HIS OWN PARTY THAT

THIS AFTERNOON FOX NEWS, THIS IS

TRUE, ACCIDENTALLY USED A PHOTO

OF BARACK OBAMA WHERE A PICTURE

OF YOU SHOULD GO.

AND LET ME TELL YOU SOMETHING,

THAT'S NOT CAUSE YOU GUYS LOOK

ALIKE, WHICH BRINGS US TO OUR

BALLER OF THE WEEK.

RECALL THAT LAST WEEK A SUPERRER

CHARGED, FULLY LOADED, SHIFT ON

FLY, ROBO-CONTROLLED SPY DRONES

OF THE FUTURE RAN OUT OF

BATTERIES OVER IRAN, THEREBY

FALLING INTO THE HANDS OF AN

EVIL MILITANT REGIME, AND SINCE

THEN THEIR MILITARY HAS BEEN

[BLEEPED] BANGING OUR BABY IN AN

AIRCRAFT CARRIER.

GUESS WHAT, PRESIDENT OBAMA HAS

A MESSAGE FOR IRAN.

>> WITH RESPECT TO THE DRONE

INSIDE OF IRAN, WE HAVE ASKED

FOR IT BACK.

[LAUGHTER]

>> Jon: YOU ASKED FOR IT BACK.

YOU WERE SPYING ON THEM VIA A

DRONE.

YOU'RE ACTING LIKE WE RENT THEM

SEASON ONE OF "THE WIRE."

YOU KNOW, I'M GOING TO NEED THAT

BACK.

IT TAKES GIANT BALLS TO ASK FOR

YOUR SPY DRONE BACK.

I'D BE LIKE, HEY, MAN, I'M

SORRY, IS THIS BILL?

I WAS JUST OVER AT YOUR HOUSE

BANGING YOUR WIFE, AND I THINK I

LEFT MY SHOES THERE.

YOU MIND FEDEXING THOSE BAD

BOYS?

YEAH, IT'S NOT SO MUCH THE SHOE,

I GOT ORTHODICS IN THEM.

HELLO?

HELLO.

SO HOW DID IRAN RESPOND?

>> IRAN HAS BASICALLY SAID

FORGET ABOUT IT.

THE DEPUTY COMMANDER OF THE

IRANIAN ARMED FORCES SAID, LOOK,

NOBODY LIKES SPY DRONES IN ITS

TERRITORY, AND WE CERTAINLY

DON'T GIVE THEM BACK, NO NATION

WOULD DO THAT.

[LAUGHTER]

>> Jon: YOU FLUM MOCKED IRAN,

A COUNTRY THAT DENIES THE

HOLOCAUST AND THE EXISTENCE OF

GAY PEOPLE WITHIN ITS BORDERS.

THEY HEARD YOUR PROPOSAL AND

SAID, OBVIOUSLY I'M LOOSELY

TRANSLATING FROM THE FARSI HERE.

>> WHAT?

>> THAT'S WHY BARACK OBAMA IS

THE RECIPIENT OF THE INAUGURAL

LOWE'S HARDWARE BALLS OF THE

WEEK.

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