The Gretch Who Saved the War on Christmas

  • Aired:  12/06/10
  •  | Views: 342,373

The holiday season wouldn't feel the same without people going out of their way to be offended by nothing. (8:58)

>> Jon: WELCOME TO "THE DAILY

SHOW".

MY NAME IS JON STEWART.

WE'VE GOT A GOOD ONE.

WE'VE GOT A BIG ONE.

IT'S BIG!

THESE PEOPLE HAVE NOT FROZEN IN

VAIN.

[CHEERS AND APPLAUSE]

OUR GUEST TONIGHT -- OH!

I LOST A TOE.

[LAUGHTER]

OUR GUEST TONIGHT FORMER

CHAIRMAN OF THE JOINT CHIEFS OF

STAFF HUGE SHELTON.

I'M GOING TO DO SOME ASKING

PERHAPS HE WILL DO SOME TELLING.

[LAUGHTER]

THAT'S ACTUALLY HOW INTERVIEWS

WORK.

BY THE WAY, I DON'T HAVE TO TELL

YOU PEOPLE SIXTH NIGHT OF

HANUKKAH.

HUH?

[CHEERS AND APPLAUSE]

REALLY?

[LAUGHTER]

PEOPLE AREN'T USUALLY THAT

ENTHUSIASTIC THIS MANY DAYS IN.

IT'S ALSO KNOWN AS THE [SPEAKING

HEBREW] THAT'S HEBREW FOR THE

NIGHT YOU GET A JIGSAW PUZZLE.

IT'S THE SIXTH NIGHT.

PEOPLE ARE RUNNING OUT OF IDEAS.

IN ALL.HUBBUB, THE-YEAR-OLD HANN

U-CHAOS IF YOU WILL.

THE DREIDEL BASED GAMBLING

ADDICTIONS.

COME ON GIMMEL DADDY NEEDS A NEW

LATKE GRINDER.

FUNNY LANGUAGE.

JEWS ARE NOT THE ONLY ONES

CELEBRATING THIS HOLIDAY SEASON.

WHO COULD BLAME US?

THE OTHER SEASONAL HOLIDAY HAS

BEEN ALL BUT CRUSHED BY FORCES

BANDED AGAINST IT.

>> THE TULSA CHRISTMAS PARADE OF

LIGHTS HAS BEEN A TRADITION IN

OKLAHOMA FOR 70 YEARS BUT PARADE

ORGANIZERS HAVE STRIPPED THE

WORD CHRISTMAS FROM THE EVENT'S

TITLE AND CHANGED IT TO HOLIDAY

PARADE OF LIGHTS DESPITE OUTRAGE

FROM THE COMMUNITY.

>> Jon: OH, MY GOD!

OH, MY GOD!

[LAUGHTER]

THE SEASONAL PARADE IN AMERICA'S

47th LARGEST CITY CHANGED ITS

NAME.

[LAUGHTER]

LAST YEAR.

[LAUGHTER]

AND GRETCHEN APPARENTLY JUST

FOUND OUT ABOUT IT.

[LAUGHTER]

AND IS ABOUT TO OPEN UP A CAN OF

FREEDOM ASS ON THE CHAIRMAN OF

TULSA'S PARADE OF LIGHTS.

>> I GUESS I'M TRYING TO GET A

SENSE OF WHY AFTER 70 YEARS YOU

WOULD CHANGE THE NAME.

>> WELL, AGAIN, I THINK IT WAS

TO BE MORE REFLECTIVE OF WHAT WE

WERE.

PEOPLE MAKE WAY TOO MUCH OF THE

NAME.

>> REALLY?

BECAUSE I THINK PEOPLE FEEL JUST

THE OPPOSITE, LARRY.

>> WHY?

>> WHY CHANGE THE NAME.

IT SOUNDS LIKE A BUSINESS

DECISION LIKE A SPONSOR WAS

GOING TO PULL SUPPORTING IT

UNLESS YOU CHANGED IT TO

HOLIDAY.

>> I THINK THAT'S AN

OVERSTATEMENT.

>> WELL, THEN WHAT IS IT?

>> Jon: THEN WHAT IS IT?

WHAT IS IT?

IT'S A HOLIDAY PARADE TO MAKE

THE CHILDREN OF TULSA SMILE.

SANTA COMES IN AND THROWS THEM

CANADA.

WHAT -- THEM CANDY.

WHAT HAVE I DONE TO TULSA?

I'VE RUINED CHRISTMAS.

[LAUGHTER]

DBRECH SEASON NOT THROWING THE

FIRST STONE.

SHE'S THROWING --

[LAUGHTER]

REALLY?

[CHEERS AND APPLAUSE]

SHE EVEN LOOKS PRETTY LIKE THAT.

[LAUGHTER]

SHE'S PRETTY.

[LAUGHTER]

SHE'S NOT THROWING THE FIRST

STONE.

SHE'S THROWING THE THIRD STONE.

>> SOME PEOPLE ARE NOT GOING TO

PARTICIPATE AS A RESULT OF IT

NOT BEING CALLED THE CHRISTMAS

PARADE.

THE ACRES OF LOVE ALPACA FARM IS

NOT GOING TO PARTICIPATE AND

SENATOR JAMES INHOFE IS NOT

GOING TO PARTICIPATE.

[CHEERS AND APPLAUSE]

[LAUGHTER]

>> Jon: NO ALPACAS AND NO JIM

INHOFE.

NIETZSCHE WAS RIGHT, GOD IS

DEAD.

THE PARADE ISN'T THE ONLY VICTIM

HERE.

>> THE PARADE WILL NOT SUFFER IN

TERMS OF QUALITY OR QUANTITY OF

ENTERRIES.

>> MANY PEOPLE ARGUE JUST

CHRISTMAS WILL SUFFER.

>> Jon: MANY?

[LAUGHTER]

BY MANY PEOPLE DO YOU MEAN ONE

PRETTY LADY WEARING A PURPLE

SWEATER?

GRETCHEN, CHRISTMAS SURVIVED THE

ROMAN EMPIRE.

[LAUGHTER]

I THINK IT WILL HANDLE THE

RENAMING OF TULSA PRAYED.

FRANKLY, GRETCHEN, I THINK THE

BEARDED GUY YOU ARE PROTECTING

MIGHT BE THE WRONG BEARDED GUY

BUT I ADMIT THE SEASON WOULDN'T

FEEL THE SAME WITHOUT PEOPLE

GOING OUT OF THEIR WAY TO BE

OFFENDED BY NOTHING.

[LAUGHTER]

WHEN DID ALL IN A BEGIN?

-- ALL THAT BEGIN?

WELL, HELLO, BEAUTIFUL DAY,

ISN'T IT?

YES,YES, SIR, I'D SAY THIS IS

SHAPING UP TO BE THE BEST

BIRTHDAY PARTY FOR JESUS YET.

THAT'S RIGHT, I SAID JESUS.

YOU GOT A PROBLEM WITH THAT?

I HOPE YOU DO BECAUSE PETTY

ARGUMENTS ABOUT A HOLIDAY

CELEBRATING THE BIRTH OF OUR

SAVIOR IS AS AMERICAN AS APPLE

PIE.

IT'S CALLED THE WAR ON CHRISTMAS

AND IT HAPPENS EVERY YEAR BUT IT

WASN'T ALWAYS THAT WAY.

STARTED OFF LIKE ANY OTHER

CHRISTMAS.

TREES WERE TRIMMED.

STOCKINGS HUNG BY THE FIREPLACE.

THERE WAS ONLY ONE PROBLEM, IT

SEEMED WITH ALL THE PEACE ON

EARTH AND GOODWILL TOWARDS MEN

PEOPLE PLUM FORGOT TO BE OFFEND

BY THE PETTY (bleep) THAT

DIVIDES US.

THAT'S RIGHT I SAID (bleep).

>> THIS SAYS HAPPY HOLIDAYS I'LL

TAKE THAT AS A GREETING RATHER

THAN A REJECTION OF MY FAITH.

>> CAN I PUT OUT KWANZA

DECORATIONS.

>> SURE, NO PROBLEM.

>> PULL OVER IT'S THE PC POLICE.

WHAT IS WRONG, OFFICER ARE YOU

GOING TO GIVE US A TICKET FOR

NOT INCLUDING A MENORAH IN OUR

RELIGIOUS DISPLAY?

>> NO, EVEN THOUGH I'M JEWISH

I'M SECURE ENOUGH IF MY OWN

BELIEFS THAT I DON'T NEED TO BE

INCLUDED IN ANY HOLIDAY.

>> IT LOOKED LIKE CHRISTMAS WAS

GOING TO COME AND GO WITHOUT

OUTRAGE ABOUT A CITY COUNCIL

RENAMING THE NATIVITY SCENE A

MULTIDENOMINATIONAL PARTY.

NO ONE EVEN NOTICED EXCEPT FOR

ONE SAD LITTLE BOY BECAUSE EVEN

THOUGH CHRISTMAS WAS THE MOST

DOME NANT CULTURAL EVENT IN THE

HISTORY OF CULTURAL EVENT HE

FELT EMPTY WITHOUT SOME SENSE

THAT THE PEOPLE CELEBRATING WERE

SOMEHOW BEING PERSECUTED SO HE

PRAYED.

THAT'S RIGHT, I SAID PRAYED.

BUT SAIDLY -- SADLY IT WAS ALL

FOR NOT UNTIL SOMETHING MAGICAL

HAPPENED.

FIRST IN THE DARK OF NIGHT CAME

A FLICKER.

AND THEN JUST A TICKER AND THEN

A GREAT NOISE LIKE SOMEONE JUMP

ED ON A CLICKER.

>> YOU CAN'T SAY MERRY

CHRISTMAS.

AND YOU SUPPORT THE BAND.

YOU ARE THE FAISHIST.

>> THERE'S BEEN A WAR ON

CHRISTMAS FROM THE SECULAR

CHRISTMAS FOR FLEE OR FOUR

DECADES NOW.

>> THERE'S A WAR ON CHRISTMAS

WITH ATHEISTS.

>> ANTIRELIGION SIGN RIGHT NEXT

TO THE NATIVITY SCENE.

>> THE MORE PEOPLE WATCHED, THE

MORE THEY GOT SICKER, SICKER AND

SICKER UNTIL EVERY LAST ONE CAME

TO QUARREL AND BICKER.

>> ATHEIST.

>> SOCIALIST.

>> PAGAN.

>> OLD ROGER COULDN'T BELIEVE

WHAT HE HEARD.

HE TOOK DELIGHT IN EACH UNKIND

WORD.

PEOPLE WHO WERE THERE SAID HIS

HEART SHE RUFRPBG THREE --

SHRUNK THREE SIZES THAT DAY.

IT IS A WERE ON CHRISTMAS

MIRACLE.

AS FOR THE LITTLE BOY WHOSE

PRAYERS HAD UNUSE THISSED HE WAS

GIVEN A SHOW RIGHT THERE ON FOX

NEWS.

>> TONIGHT ARE CHRISTIANS AN

ENDANGERED SPECIES?

ARE THE FOUNDING FATHERS WISHES

FOR CHRISTIAN AMERICA BE TRAMPLE

D UPON?

I'LL TALK TO MY ALL AMERICAN

PANEL INCLUDING SNOOPY, PIGPEN

AND STEVEN BALDWIN.

SUCK IT, CHARLIE BROWN.

>> YEAH, CHRISTMAS IS SAVED!

♪ ♪

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