AmeriFam

  • Aired:  09/28/11
  •  | Views: 52,507

Samantha Bee gives a struggling American family all the advantages of corporatehood, with a huge can of "You're welcome." (5:06)

>> Jon: WELCOME BACK.

I'M NOT GOING TO LIE TO YOU.

WE'RE IN A RECESSION.

I'M NOT GOING THE LIE TO YOU.

BUT THERE'S ONE GROUP OF

AMERICANS DOING QUITE WELL,

CORPORATION, AND THERE'S NO

REASON YOU CAN'T BE MORE LIKE

THEM.

SAMANTHA BEE HAS MORE.

>> THESE ARE THE SARNACOLAS.

STACY IS A SCHOOLTEACHER.

RODNEY WAS LAID OFF FROM WORK.

LIKE SO MANY AMERICANS, THIS

ECONOMY HAS LEFT THEM STRUGGLING

WHILE AT THE SAME TIME THEY SEE

CORPORATIONS DOING THIS.

>> EXXON IS EXPECTED TO RING UP

$114 BILLION IN REVENUE.

>> AND THIS.

>> G.E. PAID NO FEDERAL

CORPORATE TAXES LAST YEAR.

>> AND THIS.

>> CITIGROUP GOT THE LARGEST

BANK BAILOUT, $45 BILLION.

>> IT WOULD BE EASY FOR THE

SARNACOLAS TO BE BITTER, BUT

REMEMBER...

>> CORPORATIONS ARE PEOPLE, MY

FRIEND.

>> SO IF CORPORATIONS CAN BE

PEOPLE, WHY CAN'T PEOPLE LIKE

THE SARNACOLAS BE CORPORATIONS?

I KNOW YOU'VE BEEN HIT SO HARD,

BUT YOU'RE ABOUT TO GET HIT EVEN

HARDER WITH A HUGE CAN OF YOU'RE

WELCOME.

YOU'RE NO LONGER THE SARNACOLAS.

NOW YOU'RE AMERIFAM.

WE ASKED CORPORATE EXPERT ROBERT

WISEMAN TO HELP US GIVE THIS

FAMILY THE ADVANTAGES OF

CORPORATEHOOD.

>> WELL, ONE OF THE FIRST THING

THAT CORPORATIONS LIKE TO DO IS

LAY OFF SOME OF THEIR WORKERS

AND SQUEEZE THE ONES LEFT

BEHIND.

>> CISCO JUST RAISED PROFITS BY

GETTING RID OF 7,000 WORKERS.

LOOKS LIKE IT'S TIME FOR US TO

TRIM THE AMERIFAM.

SO, CHILDREN, TELL ME A LITTLE

BIT ABOUT YOURSELVES?

DO YOU HAVE ANY HOBBIES?

>> RIDING MY BIKE.

>> ANDREW, DO YOU HAVE ANY

HOBBIES?

>> PLAYING.

>> OKAY.

I'M SORRY, ANDREW.

>> ALL RIGHT.

ANDREW.

YOU'RE FIRED.

>> YOU'RE FIRED.

THANK YOU FOR YOUR YEARS OF

SERVICE.

SO WE'VE STREAMLINED THE FAMILY,

BUT WE'VE STILL GOT ALL THIS

PESKY DEBT.

NO PROBLEM.

>> ONE THING CORPORATIONS LIKE

TO DO IS PUSH UP ALL THEIR DEBT

ON OFF-THE-BOOK SUBSIDIARIES.

>> HAND NARCOTICS DO YOU DO

ANYTHING TO HELP YOUR FAMILY?

>> YEAH.

>> GOOD, BECAUSE YOU'RE NOW

$83,000 IN DEBT AND I DON'T KNOW

YOU.

GOOD-BYE.

OKAY.

>> HELLO?

MOM?

DAD?

>> ALL RIGHT.

>> HELLO?

>> IGNORE THAT.

AS WE KNOW, THE AMERICAN WORKER

HAS GOTTEN USED TO LIVING HIGH

ON THE HOG.

EATING AGAIN, RODNEY?

THESE SNACKS HERE ISN'T DOING

YOU ANY FAVORS.

>> PERHAPS AMERIFAM SHOULD

OUTSOURCE TO FIND LABOR TO DO

MORE FOR LESS.

>> ARE YOU WILLING TO DO TWICE

THE VACUUMING FOR HALF THE SEX?

>> SI.

>> WHAT ABOUT NO SEX?

NO SEXO CON STACY?

>> NO.

>> NEXT.

NOW IT'S TIME TO START MAKING

SOME MONEY.

OH, MY GOSH, GET OUT OF MY WAY.

CORPORATE LOBBYISTS GET BILLIONS

OF GOVERNMENT DOLLARS FOR

CORPORATIONS AND NO ONE IS

BETTER AT IT THAN WASHINGTON

SUPER LOBBYIST TONY PODESTA

WHOSE ALL-STAR CLIENT ROSTER

INCLUDES B.P.

IT SAYS HERE YOU REPRESENT B.P.

>> B.P. HAS BEEN A GOOD

CORPORATE CITIZEN OF THE UNITED

STATES, AND THEY WORK HARD TO

PRODUCE PRODUCTS AND SERVICES

THAT ARE... THAT THE AMERICAN

PEOPLE REALLY VALUE?

>> OH, MY GOD, THAT IS GREAT.

YOU'RE HIRED.

>> I'M NOT SURE I UNDERSTAND.

>> OH, HOLD ON, WAIT.

I WAS JUST CHECKING TO SEE IF A

BOLT OF LIGHTNING WAS GOING TO

COME DOWN FROM THE SKY AND

STRIKE US BOTH.

BUT IT ISN'T.

YAY.

>> YOU NEED TO EXPLAIN WHAT YOUR

PRODUCT IS.

>> WE'RE A PEOPLE COMPANY.

>> HOW MANY PEOPLE ARE YOU?

>> WE HAVE A STAFF OF FOUR.

TWO OF WHICH ARE CHILDREN.

>> IS IT A FAMILY?

>> OKAY.

IT'S FAMILY, OKAY.

CAN YOU HELP US?

>> NO.

>> I GUESS AMERIFAM'S NOT TOO

BIG TO FAIL, SO UNLESS THEY'RE

GOING TO EXPAND LIKE THE

DUGGERS, THEY NEED TO EMPLOY ONE

LAST CORPORATE STRATEGY,

RELOCATE TO AN OFF-SHORE TAX

HAVEN.

NOW THAT YOU'RE FLUSH WITH CASH,

IT'S TIME TO LEAVE.

YOU SPEAK MALDIVIAN, RIGHT?

DOESN'T MATTER.

>> THIS DOESN'T SEEM FAIR.

>> YEAH, FAIR IS FOR SUCKERS.

YOU'RE A CORPORATION NOW.

BYE, STACY, BYE, RODNEY.

SEE YOU AT THE AIRPORT.

ANOTHER FAMILY SAVED.

IT'S EASY TO REMEMBER THAT

CORPORATIONS ARE PEOPLE, BUT

NEVER FORGET THAT PEOPLE CAN BE

CORPORATIONS TOO.

>> HELLO?

I NEED TO USE THE BATHROOM.

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