Passion and Intrigue on The Five

  • Aired:  01/14/14
  •  | Views: 111,785

Samantha Bee gives a dramatic performance to demonstrate that Fox News's The Five is all about love. (8:11)

[CHEERS AND APPLAUSE]

>> Jon: WELCOME BACK.

NOW, IN 2011 FOX NEWS PREMIERED A NOVEL NEW SHOW.

IT WAS A PANEL SHOW AT 5:00 WITH FIVE PUNDITS WHOSE OPINIONS RANGED FROM WALL STREET

CONSERVATIVE TO 50-YEAR-OLD FRAT BOY CONSERVATIVE TO GEORGE W.

BUSH CONSERVATIVE TO CONSERVATIVE TO FOX LIBERAL.

>> YOU WALK DOWN THE STREET YOU MUST FEEL LIKE A CHINAMAN WALKING IN AN NBA RALLY.

>> I WOULD LIKE TO HAVE A PERSONAL MASSEUSE, PREFERLY CREAN.

THEY MUST TEACH ABOUT DRUG SCAM AND PICKPOCKET PEOPLE.

IRANIANS KILL PEOPLE.

NO MORE STUDENT VISAS FOR MUSLIM STUDENTS.

>> Jon: SLOW DOWN!

THAT'S THEIR LIBERAL WELL.

MORE ON THE FIVE IT'S OUR OWN SAMANTHA BEE.

SAMANTHA, NICE TO SEE YOU.

HELLO.

[CHEERS AND APPLAUSE]

NOW, IS A SAMANTHA -- SAMANTHA, WHAT DO YOU FEEL LIKE THE PANEL SHOWS LIKE THE FIVE BRING TO THE

ANALYSIS OF THE NEWS?

>> JON, I'M SORRY PLEASE DON'T COMPARE THE FIVE TO OTHER PANEL SHOWS.

OKAY?

THE FIVE IS SO MUCH MORE THAN JUST A PANEL SHOW.

IT'S LIKE ITSELF.

IT IS EVERYTHING.

[LAUGHTER]

>> Jon: HOW ARE THEY DIFFERENT FROM A PANEL SHOW?

>> JON, PERHAPS YOU ARE UNACQUAINTED WITH MY ONE WOMAN SHOW INSPIRED BY THE FIVE.

I SHALL NOW PERFORM IT FOR YOU.

>> Jon: ACTUALLY I DON'T THINK WE HAVE -- >> EASY LITTLE JON, MAMA IS IN

CONTROL NOW.

[ LAUGHTER ]

JON, THE FIVE IS THE STORYBOARD OF THE HUMAN CONDITION AND I KNOW THIS BECAUSE I AM SAMANTHA

BEE, AND I WATCH THE FIVE.

♪ ♪ THE TRUTH ABOUT THE FIVE IS THAT IT'S A STORY AS OLD TIME, A STORY OF LOVE.

[ LAUGHTER ]

ONE THAT RIVALS THE WORKS OF A SHAKESPEARE OR A NICHOLAS SPARKS.

[ LAUGHTER ]

THIS STORY OF LOVE IS ROOTED IN THAT DEEPEST HUMAN EMOTION: RIDING THE BONER TRAIN TO POUNDTOWN.

IT'S A TALE OF A WINSOME BLONDE INGENUE, DANA PERINO A YOUNG GIRL NEW TO THE BIG CITY WITH

BIG DREAMS AND A HEART SO PURE SHE MAKES MARY POPPINS LOOK LIKE A DISGUSTING WHORE BAG.

>> I'M AWAKE BY 6:30.

THERE'S A CERTAIN WORD THAT RHYMES WITH TRUCK.

SHOULD THE DETAINEES BE GIVEN THE E WORD IN THE FIRST PLACE.

>> EROT CAN A?

>> I DIDN'T SAY THAT.

>> THEY DON'T START FAMILIES BECAUSE THEY FEEL LIKE THEY ARE NOT FINANCIALLY SECURE TO HAVE A SMART.

IT'S NOT THAT THEY ARE NOT HAVING S-E-X.

>> THEY CAN'T SAY THAT.

IT'S NOT A (bleep) WORD.

[CHEERS AND APPLAUSE]

NOW NOBODY FALLS FOR A GOOD GIRL HARDER THAN A BAD BOY.

♪ ♪ AND NO BOY WAS BADDER THAN THE REBEL-LICIOUS GREG.

>> I WAS ON PERCOCET FOR SEVEN DAYS.

BEST WEEK OF MY LIFE.

>> I'M DRUNK NOW.

I'VE BEEN DRINKING SINCE TWO.

I GAVE THREE PEOPLE HEPATITIS.

[ LAUGHTER ]

>> A PILL POPPING AFTERNOON DRUNK WHOSE RIDDLED WITH HEPATITIS, THERE'S GOT TO BE A CATCH!

[LAUGHTER]

GREG AND DANA WE'RE TOTAL OPPOSITES.

THEY SHOULD NEVER HAVE BEEN EVEN SEATED TOGETHER BUT ONCE THEY WERE ELECTRIC.

>> THESE BEAUTIFUL FLOWERS.

I WANT TO GIVE THEM TO GREG.

IT'S A PHOTO ROSE.

COULD YOU HAVE THEM IN YOUR OFFICE.

GREG WAS SCHIFFAL RUSS AND GAVE ME HIS -- ONE MORE QUESTION FOR GREG?

IS POT AN APHRODISIAC?

WHY DO YOU DO THAT TO ME?

WHY DO YOU HAVE THAT POWER.

[LAUGHTER]

>> OH, YOU, OH, YOU.

[ LAUGHTER ]

OF COURSE, A GIRL LIKE DANA SHE'S NOT GOING TO HAVE JUST ONE SUITOR.

>> IT'S A GAME OF HIGH STAKES INTERNATIONAL CHESS SO I PUT TOGETHER A BIG OLD CHESS BOARD

RIGHT HERE.

CAN CAMERA TWO TAKE THIS.

>> WE WANT TO TAKE YOU THROUGH HOW WE'RE DEALING WITH THE FLU.

>> I HAVE TO DO THIS.

>> WHAT IS THAT?

IS THAT KETCHUP?

>> REALLY ERIC PROP COMEDY?

THAT'S NOT GOING TO WORK ON DANA.

THIS ISN'T 1980 AND YOU AIN'T NO GALLAGHER.

[ LAUGHTER ]

BESIDES GREG AND DANA'S LOVE COULDN'T BE DENIED.

NOT THAT OTHERS DIDN'T TRY TO PUT THEM APART.

[LAUGHTER]

WHICH BRINGS US TO OUR STORY'S VILLAIN, A MAN WITH A SOUL SO DARK HE COULDN'T DIVIDE GREG AND

DANA'S HAPPINESS.

HE KNEW EXPOSING THEIR SECRET LOVE WOULD BE A SCANDAL THE LIKES OF WHICH THE WORLD HAD

NEVER SEEN.

AND ON THE DAY THE FIVE WERE OUTSIDE GRILLING MEAT THAT'S JUST WHAT BOB DID.

>> IF WE PUT HIM ON HERE -- >> THAT WOULD BE THE BEST MEAT YOU'VE EVER HAD.

>> I'M SURE IT WOULD BE.

THAT'S WHAT DANA TELLS ME.

[CHEERS AND APPLAUSE]

>> BIG (bleep) MISTAKE, BOB.

HOW ABOUT I TAKE THOSE SUSPENDERS AND HANG YOU BY YOUR BALLS?

[LAUGHTER]

NONE OF IT MATTERED.

IT WAS EMPTY, MEANINGLESS BECAUSE IT TURNED OUT GREG AND DANA HAD WORSE PROBLEMS THAN

SCUM BOB BIG PANTS.

>> I WANT TO WISH A HAPPY 9th ANNIVERSARY TO MY WIFE ELENA.

>> HE HAS A WIFE?

YOU HAVE A WIFE?

THAT'S NOT SOMETHING YOU COULD HAVE MENTIONED IN THE THREE YEARS YOU'VE BEEN SITTING NEXT

TO DANA.

YOU TWO-TIMING MONSTER.

LETTING DANA, PRECIOUS DANA FALL IN LOVE WITH YOU WHEN YOU ARE GAL VANING AROUND THE STUPID IS

STUDIO LAUGHING IT UP WITH YOUR SECRET WIFE.

YOU KNOW WHAT?

ALL THE WHILE BREAKING HER HEART YOU'VE BROKEN ALL OUR HEARTS HERE.

TAKE MINE I DON'T NEED IT ANYMORE.

BURN IN HELL FOR ALL ETERNITY!

[CHEERS AND APPLAUSE]

[LAUGHTER]

>> Jon: SO WHAT IS YOUR TAKE ON THE VIEW?

[LAUGHTER]

OH, YOU KNOW WHAT?

IT'S GOOD.

IT'S IN THE BACKGROUND WHEN YOU ARE VACUUMING OR WHATEVER.

>> Jon:

Loading...