The Empire Takes Back - Old-School Imperialism

  • Aired:  04/09/14
  •  | Views: 27,190

Pro-Russian activists in Ukraine found the fiercely independent nation of Donetsk, which occupies a single building. (4:01)

[CHEERS AND APPLAUSE]>> Jon: WELCOME TO "THE DAILY

SHOW". MY NAME IS JON STEWART.

WE'VE GOT A GOOD ONE TONIGHT.

MY GUEST COLIN FIRTH.

[CHEERS AND APPLAUSE]BUT FIRST LET'S TURN TO UKRAINE.

[LAUGHTER]REALLY, THE AMERICAN AUDIENCE

IMMEDIATELY LIKE DID WE BOMBTHEM?

WHAT HAPPENED?

[LAUGHTER]AFTER JUST A FEW WEEKS FROM WHEN

CRIMEA OFFICIALLY JOINED RUSSIAANOTHER REGION OF UKRAINE HAS

SAID I'LL HAVE WHAT SHE'SHAVING.

THE CRISIS IN UKRAINE ISDEEPENING THIS MORNING WITH THE

THREAT OF MORE LOST TERRITORY.

PRO RUSSIA ACTIVISTS ARETRYING TO TAKE CONTROL OF

GOVERNMENT BUILDINGS IN TWOEASTERN CITIES.

>> THIS TINY SPACE IS THESELF-DECLARED PEOPLE'S REPUBLICOF DONETSK

WHERE JUST DAYS AGO IT WAS JUSTTHE LOCAL GOVERNMENT BUILDINGS.

>> Jon: NOW IT'S A DELI!

[ LAUGHTER ]WAIT, WAIT SO IN UKRAINE THEY

ARE DECLARING INDIVIDUALBUILDINGS INDEPENDENT NATIONS

NOW?

SORRY THIS IS THE REPUBLIC OFDONETSK YOU ARE LOOKING FOR GAS

STATION-STAN.

IT'S DOWN THE STREET YOU MAKE ATA LEFT AT THE USS-ARBYS.

LOOK, LISTEN TO ME. I DON'T

KNOW HOW BIG THE UKRAINIAN ARMYIS BUT IT DOES NOT APPEAR THAT

THEY ARE GOING TO GET BOGGEDDOWN WITH A SIEGE OF THAT

BUILDING-GRAD.

>> THE RUSSIAN FOREIGN MINISTRYIS WARNING UKRAINE'S GOVERNMENT

AGAINST HARMING ETHNIC RUSSIANSINSIDE UKRAINE'S OWN BORDERS.

>> Jon: ETHNIC RUSSIANS? WHATARE YOU TALKING ABOUT? THESE

ARE THE PROUD DENIZENS OFDONETSK. A FIERCELY

INDEPENDENT NATION LOCATED AT315 PUSHKIN BOULEVARD.

ALTHOUGH YOU MIGHT WANT TO USETHE ENTRANCE ON KLITSCHKO AVENUE

IT'S EASIER. LOOK.

THIS IS NOT LOOK GOING FORUKRAINE.

IT APPEARS RUSSIA MAY BETROLLING THESE GUYS FOR ANY

EXCUSE TO FURTHER INVADE THEIRSOVEREIGNTY.

UKRAINIANS MUST STAND STRONG ANDUNIFIED TO REPEL THIS THREAT.

>> A FIGHT BREAKING OUT INUKRAINE'S PARLIAMENT. THIS CAME

AFTER A LAWMAKER DEFENDED THEPRO-RUSSIA ACTIVISTS.

[ LAUGHTER ]>> Jon: I SEE THEY FOLLOW

ROBERT'S RULES OF DISORDER.PROBLEM SOLVED.

WHAT BETTER WAY TO CONVINCERUSSIA YOU ARE NOT GOING TO

PERSECUTE ETHNIC RUSSIANS INYOUR COUNTRY THAN TO BEAT THE

(bleep) OUT OF THEM WHEN THEYTRY TO TALK.

IT APPEARS ONCE AGAIN THERE'STROUBLING IN THE WORLD

AS THE SPECTRE OF OLD SCHOOLIMPERIALISM RAISES ITS UGLY HEAD

THE WORLD ONCE AGAIN SENDS OUT ABEACON, A CRY FOR HELP, FROM THE

WORLD'S SUPER HERO: AMERICA!

OH, ALL RIGHT.

PROBABLY SHOULD HAVE SEEN THATBEACON 30 YEARS AGO.

WE'VE LET OURSELVES GO.

MUCH MORE FLATTERING SIGNAL.

GO ON.

>> THE UNITED STATES AND OURALLIES WILL NOT HESITATE TO USE

21ST CENTURY TOOLS TO HOLDRUSSIA ACCOUNTABLE FOR 19th

CENTURY BEHAVIOR.

>> Jon: THAT GOES FOR ANY19th CENTURY RUSSIAN BEHAVIOR

EVEN WRITING A COMPLEXNATURALISTIC NOVEL THAT SERVES

AS AN ALLEGORY FOR THESTRUGGLE TO MAINTAIN A PURE

SOUL UNDER THE HARSH REPRESSIONOF THE CZAR.

I'M LOOKING AT YOU TOLSTOY.

ANY-HOO.

>> WHAT ARE THE SOME OF THE 21STCENTURY TOOLS.

>> Jon: I'M GOING WITH CANDYCRUSH, TWITTER, NICE.

TINDER.

WE WILL NOT HESITATE TO SWIPELEFT ON RUSSIA.

>> WHAT ARE SOME OFTHESE -- A U.S. WARSHIP

IS EXPECTED TO MAKE A SHOW OF

PRESENCE ENTERING THE BLACK SEANO LATTER THAN THURSDAY.

>> Jon: NOTHING SAYS WE'RE GOINGTO USE 21ST CENTURY TOOLS LIKE

BOATS.

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