DOWN-UNDERcision 2013 - That's Not a Campaign, 'This' Is a Campaign

  • Aired:  08/12/13
  •  | Views: 63,972

Despite Australia's short election season, candidates are still able to offer voters clumsy pratfalls and verbal atrocities. (7:49)

THEN RUBBING IT ALL OVER HIS

FACE.

(APPLAUSE)

LOOK, AMERICA, AMERICA, LOOK AT

ME.

OUR ELECTIONS DO NOT NEED TO

TAKE AS LONG AS THEY CURRENTLY

DO.

THERE IS ANOTHER WAY.

AND THE PROOF OF THAT HAVE IS

RIGHT UNDER YOUR FEET-- THROUGH

SEVERAL LAYERS ACROSS THE MUD,

AUSTRALIA.

>> PRIME MINISTER KEVIN RUDD HAS

PUT AN END TO WEEKS OF

SPECULATION, HE'S CALLED AN

ELECTION FOR SEPTEMBER 7.

>> John: THE WHOLE ELECTION

SEASON IS JUST ONE MONTH LONG.

FOUR WEEKS!

THAT'S LIKE ONLY THREE NEW

IPHONES FROM NOW!

(LAUGHTER)

YOU KNOW WHAT THAT MEANS?

WE NEED TO LAUNCH OUR FULL

COVERAGE OF DOWN-UNDER-CISION

2013.

(LAUGHTER)

(AS AN AUSTRALIAN)

THAT'S NOT A CAMPAIGN, THIS IS A

CAMPAIGN!

BROUGHT TO YOU BY KOALAS.

KOALAS, LIKE IF TEDDY BEARS WERE

ALIVE AND SURPRISINGLY

AGGRESSIVE.

KOALAS.

AUSTRALIA MIGHT HAVE SOMETHING

TO TEACH US WHEN IT COMES TO

DEMOCRACY STARTING WITH THIS:

>> IN AUSTRALIA, THEY HAVE A

COMPULSORY VOTING SYSTEM SO

EVERYONE IS REQUIRED TO REGISTER

TO VOTE AND TO TURN OUT TO VOTE

AND IF THEY DON'T THEY'RE FINED.

>> THAT'S RIGHT, IT'S ILLEGAL

NOT TO VOTE THERE.

THEY SPEND A HUGE AMOUNT OF TIME

AND ENERGY GETTING PEOPLE TO THE

POLLS RATHER THAN SPENDING TIME,

ENERGY, AND A SUPREME COURT

DECISION PREVENTING THEM.

(LAUGHTER)

BUT YOU MIGHT THINK, "HOLD ON,

JOHN, IF OUR ELECTIONS WERE JUST

FOUR WEEKS WE WOULDN'T HAVE ALL

THE FUN OF WATCHING THE HUMAN

GAFFER LAUNCHES ON THE CAMPAIGN

TRAIL."

(LAUGHTER)

HERE'S THE THING: YOU'RE WRONG.

NAME A GREAT CAMPAIGN MOMENT AND

AUSTRALIA WILL GET TO IT THIS

MONTH.

AUNT CLUMSY ON-CAMERA PRATTFUL

BY A CANDIDATE?

CHECK.

>> ONE OF THEIR FAVORITE PAST

TIMES DURING CAMPAIGNS IS TO

KISS BABIES AND HE TRIED TO DO

THAT YESTERDAY, HE WENT IN FOR

THE KISS BUT AT THE LAST MINUTE

THE MOTHER TURNED AWAY AND HE

ENDED UP PUTTING HIS LIPS ON THE

BACK OF THE MOTHER'S HEAD.

IT WAS A CRAZY MOMENT.

>> Jon: OH!

YES, YES THAT'S A CREEPY MOMENT.

KISSING THE BACK OF A WOMAN'S

HEAD.

BUT ASK YOURSELF THIS: IS IT

REALLY ANY CREEPIER THAN A

STRANGER PRESSING HIS LIPS

AGAINST THE HEAD OF A

NON-CONSENTING BABY?

BECAUSE THAT ACTUALLY SEEMS JUST

AS CREEPY TO ME.

IT'S NOT JUST PHYSICAL SLIPUPS,

IT'S ALSO VERBAL ATROCITIES.

LIKE RICK PERRY'S INABILITY TO

NAME THE THIRD OF THE THREE

DEPARTMENTS HE WAS GOING TO

ELIMINATE.

WE ALL REMEMBER WHERE WE WERE

WHEN THAT HAPPENED.

I WAS HERE, WATCHING T.V.

THANKING GOD FOR THE EXISTENCE

OF RICK PERRY.

(LAUGHTER)

WELL, DON'T WORRY, AUSTRALIA'S

GOT YOU COVERED THERE, TOO.

MEET THE LIBERAL PARTY'S JAYMES

DIAZ AND HIS SIX-POINT PLAN TO

STOP ILLEGAL BOAT IMMIGRATION.

>> WE HAVE A PLAN, A SIX-POINT

PLAN TO MAKE SURE THAT WE DO

STOP THE BOATS.

>> COULD YOU RUN THROUGH THE SIX

POINTS?

>> WELL, I CAN RUN THROUGH THE

DETAILS OF THE POINTS.

THE MAIN THING IS --

>> THE SIX POINTS.

THE SIX POINTS ARE?

>> WELL -- ONE OF THE POINTS IS

-- THE KEY POINT WILL BE

STOPPING THE BOATS.

(LAUGHTER)

>> John: OF COURSE IT IS!

POINT ONE OF HIS SIX-POINT STOP

THE BOAT PLAN IS NATURALLY STOP

THE BOATS.

(LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE)

NOW, LOOK, IN AMERICA -- HERE IN

AMERICA THE REPORTERS PROBABLY

WOULD HAVE LEFT IT THERE

THINKING "JOB DONE, THE MAN HAS

BEEN COMPLETELY HUMILIATED."

IN AUSTRALIA THEY ONLY HAVE ONE

MONTH OF THIS ELECTORAL BUFFET

SO THIS REPORTER-- HOW SHOULD I

PUT IT-- HE TOSSED ANOTHER

QUESTION ON THE BARBIE.

>> WHAT WERE THE OTHER FIVE

POINTS?

(LAUGHTER)

>> WELL, LOOK, IT IS UNDER THE

LABOUR PARTY --

>> THE OTHER FIVE POINTS?

>> WELL, I'VE ANSWERED YOUR

QUESTION.

>> YOU'VE SAID STOP THE BOATS.

YOU SAID THERE WAS A SIX POINT

PLAN.

WHAT ABOUT THE OTHER FIVE

POINTS?

>> WELL, WE HAVE A PLAN TO STOP

THE BOATS AND I'VE ANSWERED

THAT.

>> NO OTHER POINTS?

(LAUGHTER)

>> John: HELP HIM!

SOMEBODY HELP HIM!

LOOK, I'LL TELL YOU, POINT TWO

IS THIS: HEY, EVERYBODY, OH, MY

GOD, LOOK, A MOUSE RIDING A CAT!

THEN YOU RUN AWAY!

AND IF YOU THINK AUSTRALIA

DOESN'T ALSO MAKE TIME TO THROW

IN A FUN SEXTING SIDESHOW ALLAH

ANTHONY WEINER A.K.A. SENIOR

DANGER.

♪ DANGER, DANGER ♪

(CHEERS AND APPLAUSE)

IF YOU THINK, THAT YOU ARE ABOUT

TO BE VERY UNPLEASANTLY

SURPRISED.

>> A QUEENSLAND M.P. CAUGHT UP

IN A SEXTING SCANDAL SENT TEXT

MESSAGES CONTAINING LEWD

PHOTOGRAPHS OF HIMSELF TO HIS

MISTRESS INCLUDING ONE OF HIS

PENIS IN A GLASS OF RED WINE.

(LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE)

>> John: THAT IS DISGUSTING!

YOU DO NOT PAIR A PENIS WITH RED

WINE!

(LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE)

YOU WANT SOMETHING LIGHTER,

CRISPER TO OFFSET THE NUTTYER

NOTES OF THE PENIS.

(LAUGHTER)

PLUS, IT'S ALMOST IMPOSSIBLE TO

GET RED WINE STAINS OUT OF A

PENIS.

BELIEVE ME.

(LAUGHTER)

HE'S GOING TO HAVE TO SOAK THAT

THING IN CLUB SODA FOR HOURS.

(LAUGHTER)

SO IN JUST FOUR WEEKS AUSTRALIA

ALREADY HAS A RICK PERRY AND AN

ANTHONY WEINER.

OF COURSE, THE REAL TEST, DOES

IT HAVE A RIGHT WING WOMAN

THRUST INTO A NATIONAL POLITICAL

SPOTLIGHT SHE'S NOT ONLY

UNPREPARED FOR BUT AT TIMES

SEEMS TO BARELY COMPREHEND.

(LAUGHTER)

WHAT I'M ASKING IS DOES

AUSTRALIA HAVE A SNARP

>> A MOTHER ACCUSED OF AN

ANTI-MUSLIM CONTAMINATION SCARE

AT A SHOPPING CENTER WILL STAND

AS A ONE NATION CANDIDATE AT

NEXT MONTH'S ELECTION.

>> I DON'T OPPOSE ISLAM AS A

COUNTRY BUT I DO FEEL THAT THEIR

LAWS SHOULD NOT BE WELCOME HERE

IN AUSTRALIA.

LESS THAN 2% OF AUSTRALIANS

FOLLOW HARAM.

>> OR THE KORAN AS THE ISLAMIC

TEXT IS KNOWN.

(LAUGHTER)

>> John: SHE'S NOT JUST SARAH

PALIN, SHE'S A TURBO PALIN!

(LAUGHTER)

THAT WOMAN IS STEPHANIE

BANNISTER, NOT ONLY DOES SHE

THINK ISLAMIC LAW IS CALLED

HARAM WHICH IS A MISUSE OF A

MUSLIM TERM FOR SIMPLE BEHAVIOR,

SHE ALSO THINKS ISLAM IS A

COUNTRY.

PERHAPS IN THE MISTAKEN BELIEF

THAT THE NATION OF ISLAM IS AN

ACTUAL NATION.

(AS AN AUSTRALIAN)

THEY CAN DRESS HOWEVER THEY LIKE

OVER THERE BUT AS AN AUSTRALIAN

I DON'T WANT TO BE FORCED TO

WEAR A BOW TIE.

OR AS WE CALL IN THE AUSTRALIA,

A TWIZZLEY CHOKER.

(LAUGHTER)

BANNISTER HAS SET A NEW

WATERMARK, A NEW LOW WATERMARK

FOR ELECTORAL IGNORANCE.

>> KOSHER FOOD FOR JEWISH

AUSTRALIANS ARE FINE.

>> JEWS UNDER HARAM THEY HAVE

THEIR OWN RELIGION WHICH FOLLOWS

JESUS CHRIST.

>> JUDAISM REJECTS YES US IS

CHRIST.

>> AUSTRALIA, YOU TRULY ARE A

NATION OF CRIMINALS WITHOUT WAS

W THAT MAGNIFICENT SOUNDBITE YOU

JUST STOLE MY HEART!

(LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE)

THAT INTERVIEW TOOK PLACE LAST

WEEK AND THERE'S BEEN AN

IMPORTANT DEVELOPMENT SINCE

THEN.

>> STEPHANIE BANNISTER HAS NOW

PULLED OUT OF THE RACE.

>> SHE'S LIKE PURE UNCUT PALIN.

SHE QUIT A JOB SHE DIDN'T EVEN

HAVE YET!

YOU SEE, THAT IS WHY THE CONCEPT

OF A FOUR-WEEK ELECTION IS SO

ATTRACTIVE.

IT SPEEDS EVERYTHING UP.

WEEK ONE: CANDIDATE ANNOUNCES.

WEEK TWO: SHE SAYS SOMETHING

STUPID.

WEEK THREE: SHE'S SMACKED DOWN

BY THE PRESS.

WEEK FOUR: SHE WITHDRAWS.

WEEK FIVE: THERE IS NO WEEK FIVE

AND NOBODY EVER HEARS FROM HER

EVER AGAIN!

WE CAN HAVE THIS, TOO, AMERICA!

IF WE ALL JUST AGREE NOT TO SAY

ANOTHER (BLEEP)ING WORD ABOUT

THE 2016 ELECTION.

HERE, LOOK, I'VE SET AN ALARM

CLOCK HERE FOR 2016.

WHEN THAT GOES OFF, EVERYONE IS

ALLOWED TO GO NUTS.

UNTIL THEN, PLEASE PRETEND WE

DON'T GIVE A (BLEEP).

BECAUSE DEEP DOWN WE REALLY

DON'T.

WE'LL BE RIGHT BACK.

(CHEERS AND APPLAUSE)

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