A Deranged Millionaire Shrugs

  • Aired:  11/29/12
  •  | Views: 129,250

John Hodgman promises America it will regret rejecting job creators in favor of Obama's gifts of college loans, gay love and marijuana. (5:36)

WELCOME BACK.

YOU KNOW, IN THE WEEKS LEADING UP TO THE RECENT ELECTION AMERICA'S BUSINESS LEADERS OFFERED SOME DIRED PREDICTIONS.

>> FOUR MORE YEAR OF OBAMA WILL MEAN THAT WE'RE GOING TO HAVE TO TIGHTEN OUR BELTS

EVEN FURTHER, LAYOFF MORE FEEL.

>> THESE PEOPLE JUST WANT TO WORK IN HONOR AND DIGNITY AND THIS PRESIDENT IS

DESAING THAT.

WE'RE GOING CANCEL THEIR HEALTH CARE.

>> I CANNOT PAY MY STAFF AND PAY ALL THESE TAXES.

THERE IS ONLY SO MUCH BLOOD YOU CAN GET OUT OF A TURNIP.

(LAUGHTER)

>> Jon: I DON'T THINK YOU CAN GET ANY BLOOD OUT OF A TURNIP UNLESS-- OH MY GOD,

THOSE WEREN'T TURN IS, OH.

SOME BUSINESS OWNERS WERE EXPLICIT THAT AN OBAMA RE-ELECTION WOULD IN THEIR EYES DOOM THEIR BLOOD TURNIP BUSINESSES.

BUT NOW THAT OBAMA HAS BEEN RE-ELECTED HOW HAVE THE JOHN CREATORS AMONGST US REACTED.

WE TURN TO OUR DERANGED BILLIONAIRE, JOHN HODGMAN, JOHN.

>> OH, HOW DARE YOU.

>> Jon: WHAT.

>> HOW DARE YOU APPLAUD ME NOW AFTER YOU SHIFTLESS MOOCHERS REJECTED EVERYTHING

THAT IS GOOD AND RIGHT AND WEALTHY IN THIS WORLD.

>> Jon: YOU'RE STILL UP SET THAT MITT ROMNEY LOST.

>> I DON'T KNOW HOW, I DON'T UNDERSTAND WHY IT HAPPENED, JOHN.

I MEAN WE ALL AGREE THAT WEALTHY AMERICANS ARE THE BEST AMERICANS.

>> Jon: WELL, NOT-- NOT EVERYBODY AGREES WITH THAT.

>> WELL, EVERYBODY ONE I KNOW DOES AND MITT ROMNEY WAS THE WEALTHIEST AMERICAN,

OR AT LEAST THE WEALTHIEST WHO WAY WILLING TO TOUCH YOUR HANDS AND LIFT YOUR BABIES.

I MEAN ROMNEY WAS A RICH MAN.

AND HE WANTED TO BE PRESIDENT WATCH.

PORE COULD HE HAVE DONE TO EARN YOUR VOTE.

I DON'T EVEN KNOW WHAT IS HAPPENING WITH THIS COUNTRY ANY MORE, JOHN.

>> Jon: DID YOU JUST BLOW YOUR NOSE WITH 100 DOLLAR BILL.

>> I CAN'T USE A 50th, GRANT HAIR IS TOO SCRATCHY.

>> Jon: SORRY, JOHN.

>> OH, YOU WILL WILL BE SAR I'M.

YOU WILL ALL BE SARREE.

YOU WILL REGRET CROSSING US JOB CREATORS BECAUSE YOU WANTED EURO BAMA GIFT ITS OF

COLLEGE LOANS AND GAY LOVE AND MARIJUANA, OF COURSE YOU SAY WHOOO TO MARIJUANA.

BUT HOW ROCKY MOUNTAIN HIGH WILL YOU FEEL WHEN I REFUSE TO GIVE YOU A GOOD JOB DEEP

FRYING GRUEL FOR $4 AN HOUR.

>> Jon: YOU DEEP FRIDAY GRUEL.

>> YOU KNOW I OWN A CHAIN OF THEME RESTAURANTS BASED ON THE INDUSTRIAL REVOLUTION,

DON'T NEW.

>> Jon: I ACTUALLY DID NOT.

>> OF COURSE.

>> Jon: I WAS AND WARE.

>> ITS WITH CALLED PLEASE SIR, MAY I HAVE SOME MORE.

(APPLAUSE)

>> Jon: I DIDN'T KNOW THAT.

>> YEAH.

ALL THE WAY TO ORPHANS OR WILL BE.

BUT NOW THAT YOU RE-ELECTED OBAMA I AND THE OTHER DE RANGED BILLIONAIRES CAN NO

LONGER ACCEPT THE DEMANDS.

WE MIGHT HAVE TO START SHIPPING JOBS OVERSEAS.

>> Jon: START?

COMPANIES HAVE BEEN SHIPPING JOBS OVERSEAS FOR YEARS.

>> I HATE TO SAY IT ONCE OBAMA CARE KICKS IN I MIGHT HAVE TO MAKE EVERYONE AN

PART-TIME EMPLOYEE TO AVOID PAYING THEIR HEALTH INSURANCE.

>> Jon: THAT IS PRETTY STANDARD CORPORATE TACTIC.

BELIEVE ME, DUDE --

>> WELL NO MATTER HOW HARD YOU WORK I MIGHT JUST HAVE TO KEEP YOUR WAGES STAGNANT.

>> Jon: THAT'S ALREADY THE CASE!

>> JON, ALL THESE-- THAT YOU AND YOUR FELLOW C.E.O.s HAVE BEEN MAKING ARE REALLY

EXACTLY WHAT THE C.E.O.s HAVE BEEN DOING FOR 30 YEARS NOW.

WHAT IS THE DIFFERENCE.

>> THE DIFFERENCE, WELL, IT USED TO BE MOTIVATED BY SIMPLE PROFIT.

NOW WE'RE DOING IT OUT OF SPITE.

AND AS OUR FINAL PUNISHMENT TO YOU WE'RE LEAVING, JON.

WE'RE GOING GOLF, LIKE AN ATLAS-- HERE, HERE, READ IT.

I'LL WAIT.

>> Jon: I'M FAMILIAR WITH ATLAS SHRUG, JOHN GALT AND OTHER TOP INDUSTRIALIST AS

BAN DON'T AN UNGRATEFUL NATION, FORMED THEIR OWN SOCIETY IN A SECRET VALLEY IN COLORADO.

>> YES.

>> Jon: THAT'S WHAT ARE YOU DOING.

>> WE HAVE ALREADY DONE IT, JON.

TECHNICALLY IT'S MORE LIKE A SECRET CONDOMINIUM DEVELOPMENT IN SAR SOCIETYA OPEN ONLY TO THOSE VIRTUOUS

ENOUGH TO HAVE MADE ENORMOUS AMOUNTS OF MONEY OR TO HAVE INHERITED A LOT OF MONEY.

BUT NO POWERBALL WINNERS, JON, JUST QUALITY PEOPLE.

>> Jon: SO HOW IS THIS COMMUNITY GOING.

>> GREAT, IT'S GOING GREAT, GOING GREAT.

WHAT COULD BE MORE INVIG RATING THAN SPENDING ALL DAY WITH OLDER WHITE GUISE AND

THEIR THIRD WIVES.

IN FACT, I JUST CAME BACK TO SAY GOOD-BYE.

>> Jon: ALL RIGHT, WELL, GOOD-BYE.

>> AND TO GIVE YOU ONE LAST CHANCE.

>> Jon: ALL RIGHT.

>> YOU COULD HOLD ANOTHER ELECTION RIGHT NOW, GET A DIFFERENT RESULT.

>> Jon: I THINK WE'RE GOOD.

YOU TAKE THE BOOK.

>> GOOD-BYE.

>> Jon: ALL RIGHT, GREAT.

>> UNLESS YOU WANTED TO BRING BACK SLAVERY, WE COULD STICK AROUND-- WZ.

>> Jon: THAT'S NOT HAPPENING, GOOD-BYE.

>> GOOD-BYE FOREVER.

>> Jon: ALL RIGHT, JOHN.

>> I'M SEE, DID YOU HEAR YOU GROV ELING IN APOLOGY.

>> Jon: NO, I SAID OKAY, YOU CAN GO.

>> I DON'T-- DON'T MAKE ME GO, JON.

>> Jon: WHAT?

>> IT'S A NIGHTMARE OVER THERE.

NOTHING BUT MONEY MANAGERS AND TRUST FUNDS AND TRUMPS, NO ONE KNOWS HOW TO COOK OR

CLEAN OR MAKE, WHAT IS THAT THING THAT KEEPS YOU WARM.

>> Jon: HEAT.

>> HEAT, YES.

WHERE DOES THAT COME FROM.

TOO MANY CHIEFS, NOT ENOUGH INDIANS, YOU KNOW WHAT I MEAN, OR MEXICANS.

I MISS THE MEXICANS.

I MISS THEM SO MUCH.

MI SO SORRY.

WHY DID THEY HAVE TO LEAVE.

DO YOU HAVE A CLEAN 1200 BILL.

>> Jon: NO, I DON'T, JOHN

Loading...