Bill de Blasio & Billionaire Flight

  • Aired:  12/05/13
  •  | Views: 42,003

Deranged millionaire John Hodgman describes the dilapidated liberal wasteland New York City will become under Mayor Bill de Blasio. (4:38)

>> Jon: WELCOME BACK.

[CHEERS AND APPLAUSE]THOSE OF YOU OUTSIDE THE GREAT

STATE OF NEW YORK ON JANUARY 1BILL DEBLASIO BECOMES THE MAYOR

OF NEW YORK WHICH MEANS MICHAELBLOOMBERG GETS ONE MORE NEW

YEAR'S EVE AS MAYOR AND FROMWHAT I UNDERSTAND HE'S GOING ALL

OUT THIS NEW YEAR'S EVE.

[ LAUGHTER ]BUT WHAT WILL --

[ APPLAUSE ]SURPRISINGLY GOOD SHAPE.

WHAT WILL LIFE BE LIKE IN NEWYORK WITHOUT A BILLIONAIRE IN

CHARGE. FOR MORE WE GO TO THERESIDENT DERANGED MILLIONAIRE

MR. JOHN HODGMAN.

WELCOME TO THE PROGRAM.

>> THANK YOU.

>> Jon: THANK YOU FOR JOININGUS.

>> IT'S GREAT TO BE HERE AND NOWGOODBYE.

>> Jon: WHERE ARE YOU GOING?

WHAT?

>> I'M LEAVING NEW YORK FOREVER,JOHN, WHEN I HEARD THAT THIS SIX

JFOOT FIVE LIBERAL FAIR HOUSINGXSANDINISTA YETI WOULD SOON BE

SET LOOSE IN MY CITY, I REALIZEDA DERANGED MILLIONAIRE IS NOIZED

LONGER WELCOME.

>> Jon: THIS IS GOODBYE THEN.

>> I'LL ALL RIGHT I'LL STAY..

ONLY LONG ENOUGH TO TELL YOU HOWDISAPPOINTED I AM.

AFTER EVERYTHING THE WEALTHYHAVE DONE FOR YOU MAYOR

BLOOMBERG UNDERSTANDS.

>> IF WE COULD GET EVERYBILLIONAIRE AROUND HERE IT WOULD

BE A GODSEND.

THEY WOULD PAY A LOT OF TAXES,SPEND A LOT OF MONEY IN THE

STORES AND RESTAURANTS ANDCREATE A BIG CHUNK OF OUR

ECONOMY AND WE TAKE TAX REVENUESFROM THOSE PEOPLE TO HELP PEOPLE

THROUGHOUT THE ENTIRE REST OFSPECTRUM.

>> WE BILLIONAIRES ARE NEW YORKCITY.

WHEREAS NEW YORK IS YANKEESTADIUM WITH THE BEST SEATS

BOUGHT UP BY BANKERS WHO DON'TEVEN USE THEM.

NEW YORK IS THE STATUE OFLIBERTY.

CLOSED FOR A PRIVATE EVENT.

>> Jon: THAT WAS CLOSEDBECAUSE OF HURRICANE SANDY.

>> THAT'S WHAT THEY TOLD YOUBECAUSE YOU WERE NOT INVITED.

>> Jon: WHAT WAS THE EVENT?

>> I CAN'T TELL YOU BUT IT WAS ASECRET SEX PARTY WITH MASKS.

I DON'T KNOW WHO I WAS HAVINGSEX WITH A WOMAN WHO LOOKED LIKE

SUMNER REDSTONE WITH A MASK ONTHE POINT IS HE IS GOING TO

TURN THIS CITY INTO A LIVINGHELL.

>> Jon: HE'S NOT.

ALL HE IS DOING IS ADDING A HALFPERCENT TAX INCREASE ON

WEALTHIER RESIDENTS FOR PRE-K.

W>> PRECISELY. A LIVING HELL..

MARK MY WORDS, IN THEFUTURE THIS CITY WILL BE A

DILAPIDATED WASTELAND WITHNEW YORKERS TRAVELING

UNDERGROUND PACKED TOGETHER INURINE SCENTED SUBTERRANEAN

SEWAGE TROLLEYS AND LINE UP TOEAT WET TUBES OF MEAT DISPENSED

FROM SOVIET ERA METAL CARTS.

EW.

>> Jon: I THINK YOU AREDESCRIBING HOW MOST PEOPLE IN

NEW YORK LIVE RIGHT NOW.

[ LAUGHTER ]>> WHAT ABOUT CRIME, JON?

ARE YOU READY TO GO BACK TORUNNING IN FEAR OF GANGS WEARING

RUNROLLER SKATES AND BASEBALLINGUNIFORMS?

>> Jon: THAT'S FOOTAGE FROMTHE WARRIORS.

THE DOCUMENTARY THE WARRIORS BYKEN BURNS.

>> Jon: I'M SURPRISED YOU ARENOT HAPPIER THAT NANNY STATE

BLOOMBERG IS LEAVING WITH ALLHIS LAWS ABOUT WHERE YOU CAN

SMOKE AND WHAT SODA YOU CAN BUY.

JON I'M A MILLIONAIRE. THOSELAWS ARE FOR YOU PEOPLE.

I DRINK BIG SODA AND SMOKEWHERE I WANT.

I'M A RICH PERSON.

HERE I AM AT THE MUSEUM OFNATURAL HISTORY.

>> Jon: YOU ARE INSIDE -->> I'M A DONOR I CAN PET THE

TAXIDERMY.

>> Jon: THAT'S A MATERNITYWARD.

I WAS HANDING OUT CIGARS TOBABIES.

HERE I AM SEEING HOW THE OTHERHALF LIVE.

>> Jon: THAT'S MY HOUSE.

>> I COME AND GO AS I PLEASE.

YOU ARE OUT OF WHOLE MILK,Q-TIPS, HALF A FROZEN TURKEY AND

YOU HAVE TO REPLACE YOUR PILLOWCASES.

>> Jon: WHAT DID YOU DO?

>> A PRIVATE EVENTWITH

MASKS.

THE PARTY IS OVER.

I'M LEAVING FOR BRIGHTER SHORESSINGAPORE IS LETTING US HUNT THE

HOMELESS.

UNLESS NEW YORK WOULD LIKE TOWOO US BACK.

MAY A SUGGEST A COUNTER OFFER.

>> Jon: FROM YOUR QUILLED BICPEN.

THIS ALSO SAYS HUNT THEHOMELESS.

>> I CANNOT EMPHASIZE HOW MUCHWE WANT TO HUNT HOMELESS.

>> Jon: THAT'S NOT GOING TOHAPPEN.

>> FAREWELL OR SHALL I SAYDUBAI. THAT'S HOW BILLIONAIRES

SAY DUBAI. DUBAI!

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