Punanny State - Virginia's Transvaginal Ultrasound Bill

  • Aired:  02/21/12
  •  | Views: 97,147

A Virginia bill states that any woman seeking an abortion must first lie back in a chair with her feet in stirrups and a 10-inch ultrasound wand in her vagina. (5:33)

GAY MARRIAGE.

SO GET OVER IT, CHRISTIE.

BUT, HEY, VETOING BILLS IS THE

GOVERNOR'S PREROGATIVE.

IN VIRGINIA, THEIR GOVERNOR BOB

McDONALD IS SIGNING A BILL

COMING OUT OF HIS LEGISLATURE.

I WONDER IF IT'S TO LEGALIZE GAY

MARRIAGE.

>> THE LEGISLATION WOULD REQUIRE

ANY WOMAN GETTING AN ABORTION TO

FIRST HAVE A TRANSVAGINAL

ULTRASOUND.

>> OH, MAN!

TRANSVAGINAL ULTRASOUND!

THE 15-MEMBER JAZZ FUSION CHORUS

BAND?

THOSE GUYS ARE AWESOME!

I SAW THEM AT THE BEACON IN '94!

THEY WERE AMAZING!

TRANSVAGINAL ULTRASOUND!

♪ TRANSVAGINAL ULTRASOUND... ♪

(CHEERS AND APPLAUSE)

WAIT A MINUTE.

OH, NOT THE BAND, THE OTHER WITH

THE WAND AND THE HOO HOO.

(LAUGHTER)

YES, THAT VIRGINIA LAW IS THE

SUBJECT OF TONIGHT'S INSTALLMENT

OF THE PEW FANNY STATE.

(LAUGHTER)

NOW, BECAUSE THE MAJORITY OF

ABORTIONS HAVE PERFORMED IN THE

FIRST TRIMESTER, IF YOU'RE GOING

TO GET AN ULTRASOUND IMAGE AS

THE LAW REQUIRES THE LAW STATES

ANY WOMAN SEEKING TO HAVE THE

LEGAL PROCEDURE KNOWN AS AN

ABORTION MUST, WHETHER SHE WANTS

TO OR NOT, FIRST LAY BACK IN A

CHAIR HER SPREAD LEGGED FEET IN

STIRRUPS AND HAVE AN EIGHT TO

TEN INCH WAND PUT INSIDE HER.

EVEN IF THE WOMAN IN QUESTION IS

PREGNANT AS A RESULT OF A RAPE.

I DON'T REALLY HAVE A JOKE HERE.

I JUST THOUGHT I'D TELL YOU.

ON THE PLUS SIDE, THE WOMEN

WOULD NOT BE FORCED TO LOOK AT

THAT IMAGE.

SEE?

SO IT'S ALL GOOD.

DURING THE ENTIRE WAND FORCIBLY

INSERTED IN YOUR MOST PRIVATE

AREA EXPERIENCE YOU STILL HAVE

COMPLETE AND TOTAL CONTROL OVER

WHAT DIRECTION YOUR HEAD IS

TURNED.

SO JUST SET YOUR IPOD TO

SHUFFLE, FLIP THROUGH A COPY OF

"VANITY FAIR" AND IGNORE THE

FACT YOU'RE BEING HANDLED LIKE A

HUMAN POPSICLE.

OKAY.

FEEL LUCKY?

VIRGINIA COULD HAVE FORCED YOU

TO WATCH THE IMAGE LIKE IN THE

DISTOPIAN CLASSIC "CLOCKWORK

ORANGE."

BUT INSTEAD, THEY'RE JUST GOING

TO BE COMING AT YOU WITH A GIANT

PHALLIC OBJECT LIKE IN

"CLOCKWORK ORANGE."

(LAUGHTER)

AT THIS POINT I'M ALMOST AFRAID

TO ASK.

WHAT KIND OF MAN WOULD INTRODUCE

A BILL THAT INFRINGES ON WOMAN'S

RIGHT TO SUCH A DEGREE?

>> THE BILL WAS INTRODUCED BY

LYNCHBURG DELEGATE KATHY BYRON.

>> A LADY?

(BOOS).

>> Jon: AND BY THE WAY,

LYNCHBURG?

ENOUGH WITH THE LIN-SANITY,

OKAY?

(LAUGHTER)

DOES EVERYTHING HAVE TO HAVE A

"LIN" IN FRONT OF IT.

SAY THE NAME OF THE TOWN,

INCHBURG.

NO TOWN IN 2012 IN THE SOUTH

WOULD BE NAMED AFTER A HEINOUS

ACT AGAINST ITS MOST... WHAT'S

THAT?

(LAUGHTER)

REALLY?

ALL OVER THE SOUTH?

WELL, THAT IS LIN-SENSITIVE.

(LAUGHTER)

LOOK, I GUESS KATHY BYRON

ADVOCATES SUBSTITUTING

GOVERNMENT INTRUSION FOR

PATIENTS' PERSONAL MEDICAL

DECISIONS.

>> STATE EFFORTS TO MANDATE THE

H.P.V. VACCINE TO MINORS HAVE

RAISED A VARIETY OF CONCERNS.

THE SUBSTITUTION OF OUR JUDGMENT

FOR THE JUDGMENT OF PARENTS IS

EXACTLY THE TYPE OF GOVERNMENT

INTRUSION INTO HEALTH CARE THAT

AMERICA REJECTED AT THE POLLS

LAST NOVEMBER.

>> Jon: I'M SORRY.

I'M SORRY.

ALL I HEARD WAS YOU SUPPORT

AMERICANS REJECTING INTRUSIVE

POLES AND...

(LAUGHTER).

THAT'S WHAT I'VE BEEN TRYING TO

TELL YOU!

(CHEERS AND APPLAUSE)

LOOK AT THAT (BLEEP)ING THING.

SERIOUSLY.

I KNOW MOST DOCTORS BRAG ABOUT

THE SIZE OF THESE BUT,

SERIOUSLY.

(LAUGHTER)

AND GOVERNOR BOB McDONALD,

HE'S FOR THE MANDATORY

ULTRASOUNDS.

IS THERE ANYTHING HE CONSIDERS

TOO INTRUSIVE?

>> FULL-BODY PATDOWNS THAT A LOT

OF PEOPLE ARE UPSET ABOUT GOING

THROUGH THE T.S.A. LINES.

WHAT ARE YOUR THOUGHTS ON THAT?

>> I THINK THAT'S PROBABLY OVER

THE LINE WITH REGARD TO PEOPLE'S

CONCERNS ABOUT PRIVACY AND THEIR

CIVIL LIBERTIES.

>> OKAY, OKAY.

(BOOS).

>> Jon: THEY'RE NOT BOOING,

THEY'RE SAYING "BRUCE."

(LAUGHTER)

WE DID EARLIER A SPRINGSTEEN

STRONG.

LET ME EXPLAIN THE CONCERNS

ABOUT PRIVACY AND LIBERTY IN THE

BILL YOU'RE ABOUT TO SIGN.

WOMEN MIGHT CONSIDER THIS BILL A

T.S.A. PATDOWN INSIDE THEIR

VAGINA.

(LAUGHTER)

AND BY THE WAY, IT'S NOT THAT

VIRGINIA LEGISLATORS DON'T

UNDERSTAND THE CONCEPT OF FORCED

VIOLATION.

THE SPORTERS OF THIS MANDATORY

ULTRASOUND BILL BELIEVE MANY

THINGS RISE TO THAT LEVEL.

FOR INSTANCE, VIRGINIA

REPUBLICAN DELEGATE BOB MARSHALL

BELIEVES THAT THE HEALTH CARE

REFORM BILL PUT FORTH BY OBAMA

IS NOT REGULATION OF VOLUNTARY

COMMERCIAL INTERCOURSE, MORE

ADOWN FORCIBLE ECONOMIC RAPE.

SEE IN BOB MARSHALL FEELS LIKE

HAVING TO BUY SOMETHING YOU

DON'T WANT IS LIKE BEING RAPED.

OH, THE CABLE PACKAGE I WANT HAS

TO HAVE THE LIFETIME MOVIE

NETWORK?

NO!

STOP RAPING ME!

(LAUGHTER)

WHEREAS HAVING SOMETHING SHOVED

INSIDE YOUR GENITALS AGAINST

YOUR WILL IS NOT RAPE.

HE THINKS THAT'S NOT RAPED.

IT'S LIKE A REGIONAL SKWEURBG.

LIKE SOME PLACES IN THE COUNTRY

CALLED SODA POP.

I GUESS WHAT I CAN'T FIGURE OUT

IS WHATEVER HAPPENED TO THE

REPUBLICANS BEING THE PARTY OF

PERSONAL LIBBER ANY DON'T THEY

REMEMBER THIS GUY?

>> THE NINE MOST TERRIFYING

WORDS IN THE ENGLISH LANGUAGE

ARE "I'M FROM THE GOVERNMENT AND

I'M HERE TO HELP."

>> Jon: I GOT NINE SCARIER

WORDS FOR YOU.

(AS RONALD REAGAN)

"I'M FROM THE GOVERNMENT AND

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