Men of a Certain Rage

  • Aired:  07/14/11
  •  | Views: 105,007

If Obama and congressional Republicans don't settle their heated argument by raising the debt ceiling, man will be sentenced to an eternity of licking his own pets' genitals. (3:32)

[THEME SONG PLAYING]

[APPLAUSE]

>> Jon: HEY, EVERYBODY.

WELCOME TO "THE DAILY SHOW."

MY NAME IS JON STEWART.

WE HAVE A VERY SPECIAL SHOW,

VERY SPECIAL GUEST TONIGHT.

MEDAL OF HONOR RECIPIENT

SERGEANT FIRST CLASS LEROY PETRY

WILL BE JOINING US ON THE

PROGRAM TONIGHT.

WE'RE HONORED.

WE BEGIN TONIGHT, OF COURSE,

WITH THE LOOMING CRISIS.

AS YOU KNOW, ON AUGUST 2nd, IF

AMERICA FAILS TO RAISE THE DEBT

CEILING, WE DEFAULT ON OUR DEBT.

PEOPLE LOSE THE CAPACITY TO

LOVE.

[LAUGHTER]

AND ANIMALS LOSE THE CAPACITY TO

LICK THEIR OWN GENITALS.

THAT'S RIGHT.

IF WE DON'T RAISE THE DEBT

CEILING ON AUGUST 2nd, MAN

WILL BE SENTENCED TO AN ETERNITY

OF LICKING OUR OWN PET'S

GENITAL, BECAUSE WHAT WOULD WE

REALLY DO?

LET THEM DRY OUT?

OF COURSE NOT.

[LAUGHTER]

SO HOPEFULLY OUR PRESIDENT,

BARACK OBAMA, CAN IN ONE SWIFT

ROOSEVELTIAN "WE HAVE NOTHING TO

FEAR BUT FEAR ITSELF" MOMENT

EASE THE AMERICAN PSYCHOI CAN.

>> CAN YOU TELL THE FOLKS AT

HOME THAT NO MATTER WHAT HAPPENS

THE SOCIAL SECURITY CHECKS WILL

GO OUT ON AUGUST 3rd.

>> I CANNOT GUARANTEE THAT THOSE

CHECKS GO OUT ON AUGUST 3rd IF

WE HAVEN'T RESOLVED THIS ISSUE

BECAUSE THERE MAY SIMPLY NOT BE

THE MONEY IN THE COFFERS TO DO

IT.

>> Jon: [BLEEPED].

[LAUGHTER]

WE NEED OUR CHECK!

YOU KNOW WHAT, NO, NO, IT'S

FINE.

IT'S JUST OLE PEOPLE.

YOU KNOW HOW THEY ARE.

THEY'RE PROBABLY GOING TO JUST

BLOW THAT MONEY ON MEDICINE AND

HIPS.

OF COURSE, OUR POLITICAL LEADERS

SMART, DEDICATED PROFESSIONALS.

THEY'VE BEEN IN NON-STOP

MEETINGS TRYING TO PREVENT THIS

FROM HAPPENING.

HOW ARE THOSE MEETINGS GOING.

>> THE DEBT TALKS BLOW UP.

>> AN ANGRY PRESIDENT OBAMA

WALKED OUT.

>> TEMPERATURES BEGAN RISING

AFTER HOUSE MAJORITY LEADER ERIC

CANTOR SUGGESTED THE SIDES WERE

TOO FAR APART TO GET TO A DEAL.

THAT'S WHEN THE PRESIDENT GOT

VERY AGITATED.

HE SAID, "DON'T CALL MY BLUFF,

ERIC."

>> THE PRESIDENT CONTINUED, "I

HAVE SHOWN ENORMOUS WILLINGNESS

TO COMPROMISE."

>> MR. OBAMA THEN LEFT SAYING,

"I WILL SEE YOU TOMORROW."

>> Jon: OH, [BLEEPED].

OH, NO, HE DIDN'T.

THE PRESIDENT STORMED OUT AND

WAS LIKE, OKAY, TOMORROW THEN.

[LAUGHTER]

WHAT?

THAT'S NOT STORMING OUT.

THAT'S ENDING A MEETING BY

SCHEDULING NEXT MEETING.

AND I GOT TO SAY, IF THAT'S

OBAMA MAD, THAT'S WEAK.

HE'S STILL SO IN CONTROL.

YOU GET THE SENSE IF HE WERE THE

HULK, WHEN HE FELL HIS ANGER

CAUSING THE TRANSFORMATION, HE

WOULD JUST EXCUSE HIMSELF TO

CHANGE INTO A BIGGER SUIT, AS TO

NOT NEEDLESSLY SHRED A PERFECTLY

GOOD OUTFIT.

BUT THERE WAS ONE SENTENCE IN

THAT NEWS REPORT THAT REALLY

CAUGHT MY EAR.

CAN WE HEAR THAT SENTENCE AGAIN?

>> HE SAID, "DON'T CALL MY

BLUFF, ERIC."

>> Jon: COUPLE OF THINGS.

ONE, "DON'T CALL MY BLUFF" KIND

OF IMPLIES A GAME.

THE IMMINENT POSSIBLE ECONOMIC

COLLAPSE OF OUR COUNTRY IS A

CHIP THE PRESIDENT WILL PLAY OR

NOT PLAY GIVEN THE RELATIVE

STRENGTH OF HIS HAND.

AND SECOND, I THINK WHEN YOU'RE

PLAYING THAT HAND, YOU'RE NOT

SUPPOSED TO TELL THE OTHER GUY

IT'S A BLUFF.

[LAUGHTER]

AND THIRDLY, BOY THE NAME ERIC

REALLY TAKES THE URGENCY AND

STEAM OUT OF AN ARGUMENT,

DOESN'T IT?

DON'T CALL MY BLUFF, ERIC.

REALLY.

IT'S NAME ONLY RIVALED BY CRAIG

AND SUSAN.

I WILL DESTROY YOU, CRAIG.

[LAUGHTER]

YOU CAN'T HANDLE THE TRUTH,

SUSAN.

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