Fifty Shades of Graham

  • Aired:  09/16/13
  •  | Views: 56,905

Lindsey Graham decries the peaceful chemical weapons debacle in Syria. (3:08)

(CHEERS AND APPLAUSE)>> Jon: WELCOME TO THE DAILY

SHOW.

THIS IS JON STEWART FOR NEWS12.

MY GUEST TONIGHT IS ROBERTREICH.

LET'S TURN OVERSEAS.

A WEEK AGO JUST ONEWEEK-- SEVEN-- SEVEN DAYS IT

SEEMED THE ONLY WAY THATTHESE UNITED STATES MIGHT

AVOID WAR WITH SYRIA WASTHROUGH OUR USUAL SEMANTIC

SHENANIGANS.

WE WOULD BOMB THEM BUT WEWOULD CALL IT A FREEDOM PLAY

DATE.

YOU KNOW WHAT I'M TALKINGABOUT.

BUT OVER THE WEEKEND THEWINDS OF WAR SHIFTED

DRAMATICALLY.

>> SECRETARY OF STATE JOHNKERRY AND RUSSIA'S TOP

DIPLOMAT COULD END SYRIAWEAPONS PROGRAM.

THEY SEALED A DEAL IN GENEVAONE THAT COULD LEAVE SYRIA

WITH NO CHEMICAL WEAPONS BYTHE MIDDLE OF NEXT YEAR.

>> WE-- I CAN'T BELIEVEIT!

WE PULLED IT-- WE MANAGEDNOT TO HAVE A WAR WITH

SOMEBODY?

I DONE-- YOU DON'T GET AWAR.

AND YOU DON'T GET A WAR!

YOU DON'T GET A WAR!

EVERYBODY DOESN'T GET A WAR!

YOU DON'T GET A WAR.

WAIT, YOU SEEM UPSET ABOUTNOT GETTING A WAR.

>> -- I'LL GET ONE.

I'LL GET A WAR-- (LAUGHTER)

SO WE GET TO TAKE ASSAD'SCHEMICAL WEAPONS.

WE DON'T HAVE TO KILLANYONE.

AND WE DID IT ALL JUST BYTHE TALKY TALK.

THERE IS ONLY ONE WAY TODESCRIBE THAT.

>> IT MEANS NOTHING SO THISIS A DEBACLE.

(LAUGHTER)>> JON: THIS IS A

DEBACLE.

I HAVE NOT SEEN A DISASTERSUCH AS THIS SINCE I ARRIVED

AT THE BEAUREGARD COTILLIONWITH A MAGNOLIA IN MY HAIR

WHEN EVERYONE ELSE WASWEARING ORCHIDS.

I MEAN-- TALK ABOUT ADEBACLE!

(LAUGHTER)GRAHAM!

WHY CAN'T YOU TAKE NO WARFOR AN ANSWER?

>> THE REASON I WANTED TOSTRIKE ASSAD IS TO PUNISH

HIM-- .

>> Jon: I WANTED TO SEE HIMSQUIRM.

(LAUGHTER)I WANTED TO TIE ASSAD UP AND

SPANK HIS TAUT-- HIS TAUT SYRIAN-- I'M

GETTING THE VAPORS.

I MUST BE-- OH LORD!

(APPLAUSE)ANYWAY--

(LAUGHTER)>> YOU CAN READ ALL ABOUT IT

IN MY NEW BOOK 50 SHADES OFGRAHAM!

(CHEERS AND APPLAUSE)>> Jon: MY GOODNESS.

(LAUGHTER)I'M GOING TO TAKE THAT ONE

MAN SHOW ON THE ROAD.

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